Glass 




Book_ 






/- • 

THE 

i 
LETTER BAG 



THE GREAT WESTERN; 

OR, 

LIFE IN A STEAMER. 

Dulce est desipere in loco. 

1 'K o -Kt.^ s C k* r\ <4 W r- l~U I i hu rt oi\ 



BY THE AUTHOR OF 



'THE SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF SAMUEL SLICK.' 



LONDON : 

RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET, 

$ui>Itsf)er in ©rtmiarg to l^er ftftajestfi. 

1840. 



'X'bt 



^A 6 V* 



^4 






LONDON: 

ISOTSON AND PALMER, PRINTERS, SAVOY STREET, 



TABLE OF CONTENTS. 



Dedication .... Pag 

Preface . .... 

1. Journal of an Actress 

2. Letter from Cato Mignionette (the coloured 

steward) to Mr. Lavender . 

3. Ditto from Captain Haltfront, of the th 

Regiment of Foot, to Lieutenant Fugleman . 

4. Ditto from a Midshipman of H. M. S. Lap- 

wing, to an Officer of the Inconstant 

5. Ditto from John Skinner (Butcher) to Mary 

Hide 

6. Ditto from one of the Society of Friends to 

her Kinswoman 

7. Ditto from a New Brunswicker to his friend 

at Fredericton 
8- Ditto from an Abolitionist to a Member of 
Parliament .... 

9. Ditto from a Cadet of the Great Western to 

his Mother .... 

10. Ditto from a Lawyer's Clerk 

11. Ditto from a Traveller before he had Tra 

veiled .... 

12. Ditto from a Stoker . 

13. Ditto from a Stockholder of G. W. to the 

Secretary . 

62 



10? 
IIS 



127 
139 



IV TABLE OF CONTENTS. 

14. Ditto from a servant in search of a place . 161 

15. Ditto from a French Passenger . . 171 

16. Ditto from an Old Hand . . .180 

17. Ditto from an American Citizen . .187 

18. Ditto from Elizabeth Figg to John Buggins 200 

19. Ditto from the Son of a Passenger . . 212 

20. Ditto from the Professor of Steam and As- 

tronomy (otherwise called the Clerk) to 

the Directors .... 220 

21. Ditto from Moses Levi to Levi Moses . 233 

22. Ditto from a Servant of a family travelling 

to Astoria ..... 239 
23- Misdirected Letter, No. 1, from a Colonist 

to his Father . . . .251 

24. Misdirected Letter, No. 2, from a Colonist 

to his Brother . . . .257 

25. Ditto from a Loco Foco of New York to a 

Sympathiser of Vermont . . . 262 

26. Ditto from a Coachman on the Railroad 

Line ..... 277 

27. Ditto from the Wife of a Settler who cannot 

settle . . . . .287 

28. Ditto from the Author . . .306 



DEDICATION 



RIGHT HON. LORD JOHN RUSSELL. 



My Lord, 

Your Lordship will, no doubt, be at a loss to 
understand how it is that you have had the 
honour of this dedication conferred upon you, 
which you have so little reason to expect, and 
(as you have never seen, and probably never 
heard of the author,) must be conscious have 
done so little to him to deserve, and it is but 
reasonable and just that I should explain the 
motives that actuated me. Dedications are men- 
dacious effusions we all know, and honest men 
begin to be ashamed of them, as reflecting but 
little honour on the author or the patron ; but 



VI DEDICATION. 

in a work of humour an avowal of the truth 
may well find a place, and be classed among 
the best jokes it contains. I have selected your 
Lordship, then, as my Mecamas, not on account 
of your quick perceptions of the ridiculous, or 
your powers of humour, but solely on account 
of the very extensive patronage at your disposal. 
Your Lordship is a colonial minister, and I am 
a colonial author ; the connexion between us, 
therefore, in this relation, is so natural, that 
this work has not only a claim to your protec- 
tion, but a right to your support. All the 
world will say that it is in vain for the Whig 
ministry to make protestations of regard for the 
colonies, when the author of that lively work, 
" The Letter Bag of the Great Western," re- 
mains in obscurity in Nova Scotia, languishing 
for want of timely patronage, and posterity, 
that invariably does justice (although it is un- 
fortunately rather too late always) will pro- 
nounce that you failed in your first duty, as 
protector of colonial literature, if you do not 
do the pretty upon this occasion. Great men 



DEDICATION. Vll 

are apt to have short memories, and it is a 
common subject of complaint with authors, 
that they are materially injured by this defect 
in their organisation. Literary men, however, 
may ascribe much of this disappointment they 
experience to their own disingenuousness. 
They usually begin by expressing great diffi- 
dence of their own talents, and disparaging 
their own performances, and end by extolling 
the acquirements, the liberality, and discernment 
of their patrons, and they generally admit the 
truth of both these propositions, which is all that 
is required of them, and there the matter ends. 
I prefer the most straightforward course of tell- 
ing the truth ; and so far from detracting from 
the merits of the work, and undervaluing my- 
self, I am bold to say it is quite as good a 
book, and as safe in its tendencies as those of 
a certain fashionable author who found favour 
at the hands of your party, and is therefore 
eminently entitled to your special regard. I 
have inscribed it to you, therefore, not for the 
purpose of paying a compliment to your Lord- 



VIII DEDICATION. 

ship, but that you may have an opportunity of 
paying a very substantial compliment to me. 
Like an Eastern present, it is expected that it 
should be acknowledged by one of still greater 
value ; and in order that there may be no mis- 
take, I beg your Lordship to understand dis- 
tinctly that its merits are very great, and that 
the return should be one suitable for your Lord- 
ship to give and me to receive, and not such a 
one (as the Canadian rebels said to Lord Dur- 
ham) " as shall be unworthy of us both." 

Now, ray Lord, I had the pleasure of being 
in England during the coronation, and the 
high honour of being present at it. I will not 
say I crossed the Atlantic on purpose, because 
that would not be true, but I can safely say — 
not that I would go twice as far to see another, 
because that would be treasonable as well as 
false — but that that magnificent spectacle was 
well worthy of the toil of going twice as far for 
the express and sole purpose of witnessing it. 
The enthusiasm and unanimity of feeling that 
pervaded all classes of the assembled multi- 



DEDICATION. IX 

tudes, gave a charm and an influence to that 
gorgeous ceremony that neither rank nor riches 
nor numbers can ever bestow. Upon that occa- 
sion the customary honours, promotions, me- 
dals, ribbons, and royal favours, were distri- 
buted among her Majesty's subjects that were 
supposed to be distinguished for their loyalty 
and devotion. Few of them, however, have 
since shown by their conduct that they were 
worthy of it. Instead of being overwhelmed 
with gratitude, as I should have been had my 
merits been duly appreciated, these people have 
filled the country with their lamentations. 
The army complains that its rewards are by no 
means adequate to its deserts. The navy pro- 
claims, with a noise resembling that of a speak- 
ing-trumpet, that it has not been honoured in 
an equal manner with the army ; and the East 
Indian legions say that the navy and queen's 
troops have monopolised everything that was 
valuable, and left for them only enough to 
mark their inferiority. All this is very amusing, 
but very ungrateful. Pets are always trouble- 
b5 



X DEDICATION. 

some. I wish them all to understand, and you 
too, my Lord, that the colonies not only did 
not obtain their due share of notice, but were 
forgotten altogether, notwithstanding the thou- 
sands of brave and loyal people they contain. 
They were either overlooked amidst the nu- 
merous preparations for that great event, or the 
cornucopia was exhausted before the hand that 
held it out had reached half way across the 
Atlantic. 

Your Lordship was a strenuous advocate, in 
days bygone, for extending representation, and 
therefore, though no Whig myself, I beg leave 
to extend this representation to you, because 
you were not then in the colonial offices and I 
know of no man there who will inform you of 
the omission. 

To show you the want of liberality in 
those who for years past have made the 
selection of names for royal favour, it is only 
necessary to point to the case of certain 
persons of colonial extraction. Now these 
very impartial judges of merit appear to have 



DEDICATION. XI 

forgotten that they were advanced before, 
and already covered with honours. How much 
more just then, as well as more courteous, would 
it have been in them to have waited for their last 
step, until we had effected our first ? But this 
is not all : some of them were first appointed 
to govern a distant province ; then Ireland; after- 
wards to preside over all the colonies, and sub- 
sequently to direct the internal affairs of the 
nation in the home office. In your humid 
climate it never rains but it pours ; but in the 
colonies, as in Egypt, it never rains at all. Even 
the dew is wanting. How many of these 
honours, my Lord, would those persons have 
reaped, had their predecessors remained colo- 
nists, and not shown their sense and foresight 
by a timely removal to a country in which the 
lottery of life contains all these brilliant prizes, 
instead of a mass of blanks, as with us ? What 
is the necessary qualification for advancement ? 
Is it talent and industry ? Try the paces and 
bottom of the colonists, my Lord, and you will 
find they are not wanting. Is it humbug ? 



Xll DEDICATION. 

There are some most accomplished and pre- 
cious humbugs in all the provinces, men who 
would do credit to any government, and under- 
stand every popular pulsation, and can accele- 
rate or retard its motion at will. Is it agita- 
tion ? The state of Canada shows how success- 
ful we are in the exercise of that laudable vo- 
cation. Is it maintaining the honour of the 
national flag? The most brilliant naval 
achievement of the American war, the first that 
occurred after a series of defeats, and the last 
of the same gallant style, was the act of a colo- 
nist, and the Chesapeake was conducted into 
the harbour of Halifax by a native of the town. 
Has he ever been rewarded by any of those spe- 
cial marks of favour that distinguish those pecu- 
liarly happy men, the sons of the freemen of a 
littleEnglish corporation? We afford a wide field 
for the patronage of our more fortunate brethren 
at home, and governors, admirals, commission- 
ers, and secretaries, are first promoted over us, 
and then rewarded with further promotion for 
the meritorious endurance of a five years' exile 
among the barbarians. 



DEDICATION. X1U 

Like a good shepherd, iny Lord, open the 
gates, and let down the bars, and permit us 
to crop some of our own pastures, that good 
food may thicken our fleeces, and cover our 
ribs, for the moaning and bleating of the flock 
as they stretch their heads over the fence that 
excludes them, and regard with longing looks 
the rich herbage, is very touching, I assure you. 
It does not become me, my Lord, to say what 
I do expect for myself; but if the office of dis- 
tributor of honours and promotions among co- 
lonists is vacant, as there are no duties to per- 
form and the place is a sinecure, it would suit 
me uncommonly well, and afford me leisure to 
cultivate talents that are extremely rare among 
the race of officials. Such a step would confer 
great honour on your Lordship, and do me jus- 
tice. Having committed so great an error as 
to omit the colonists on that joyous occasion, 
as if we were aliens, it would show great mag- 
nanimity to acknowledge it now, and make 
reparation. This, my Lord, is the object of this 
dedication ; and should that object be obtained, 



XIV DEDICATION. 

it will then be in my power, should I ever again 
make my appearance before the public, to have 
something to extol besides my own book, and 
another person to laud besides 

Your Lordship's most obedient, 

humble servant, 

THE AUTHOR. 



Nova Scotia, 
Nov. 15, 1839. 



PREFACE. 



Whoevee may condescend to read these elegant 
epistles, will naturally inquire how they came 
into my possession, and by what authority they 
are now given to the world. The question is 
certainly an important one, because if it shall 
appear that the secrecy of the Post-office has 
been violated, there will be a " corresponding" 
diminution of the confidence of the public in 
this department. The obvious inference is, I 
confess, either that the postmaster-general has 
been guilty of unpardonable neglect, or that I 
have taken a most unwarrantable liberty with 
his letter bag. Under these circumstances, I 
regret that I do not feel myself authorized, 



even in my own justification, to satisfy the 
curious reader, and that the only reply I can 
give at present is — Ask Spring Rice. He is a 
" frank" man, and no one that has ever listened 
to his serious refutation of the absurd story 
about his colleague's whiskers, can doubt that 
he will give the necessary explanation. He is 
devoted to the cause of men " of Letters," and 
delights in " forwarding" their views. What- 
ever his consistency may be, few men aim at 
" uniformity," so much as he does. He has 
reduced the postage, and though many persons 
accuse him of being " penny wise" in this mat- 
ter, the result will show that it is not he, but 
the public, that will be " pound foolish" in the 
end. This must remain, therefore, in an " en- 
velope" of mystery, until he chooses to remove 
the " seal" of secrecy. To the American reader 
it may be not altogether unnecessary to state 
that " Spring Rice," like many other words 
and terms, has a different meaning on different 
sides of the Atlantic. In America it signifies 
a small grain, raised in low land amid much 
irrigation ; in Ireland a small man reared in 



boggy land amid great irritation, and the name 
of" Paddy" is common to both. In the former 
country, it assumes the shape of " arrack 
liquor ;" in the latter, a rack " rent." In both 
there is an adhesiveness that is valuable, and 
they are prized, on that account, by a class of 
persons called " Cabinet Makers." The Spring- 
Rice I allude to, is the man and not the grain, 
and as an Irishman, it is in the grain of the 
man to have his attention directed to " trans- 
portation." It is a national and natural trait 
in his character. Former governments tran- 
quillised Ireland by transporting men, he, more 
humanely, by transporting letters. He has, 
therefore, wisely connected national education 
with national postage, for it is obvious there 
will be few letters where only a few can write 
and read. Indeed, it is natural to suppose, 
that a people who deal in " Litters" and supply 
the English market, will become " litterary" men, 
and an Irishman will be at no loss to compre- 
hend how " less fare" is fairer than more, or 
how a whole population, that are often in a 
state of starvation, can rejoice in a "reduced 



fare." It is unkind to call this enlightened 
plan a " catch penny,"" or to stigmatize a man 
who is in advance of the age, as a, post man. 
Equally unhandsome is it to attempt to deprive 
him of the honour of the invention, by saying 
the idea is borrowed from the Penny Magazine, 
Penny Encyclopedia, and other similar works, 
for it is truly Irish in its conception. If he re- 
ceived a hint from any one, it was from O'Con- 
nell and his penny rint. Justice to Ireland 
requires there should be no " Dublin" of post- 
age, and that he whose care is our " ways and 
means," should himself be careful not to be 
" mean in his ways." It is absurd to say, that 
because the postage is rendered uniform, and 
one letter pays no more than another, the sala- 
ries of the officers should be rendered uniform 
also, and the postmaster- general be paid no 
more than his clerk. It is true the poor write 
few letters now, because the postage is too high, 
and that they will be induced to write exten- 
sively as soon as the penny system is adopted, 
and thereby to ' forge' their own chains ; but 
they will have no right to complain of this in- 



creased expense, because it is optional with 
them whether they incur it or not ; the only 
question is, whether we have not " poor writers" 
enough already. We shall gain in quantity by 
this improved plan, in proportion as we lose in 
quality, and require a new " Letter press." 
Instead of a condensed style, we shall have 
condensed letters ; and in place of diffuse com- 
position, composition diffused. My patron, 
tired of screwing the public, will screw epistles, 
and become king of the ' penny a line' tribe. 
It cannot be denied that there is ground to fear 
that writing letters (or as a Lord Minto would 
say, to prove his knowledge of naval matters, 
' sheeting it home') will soon become the busi- 
ness of life. It is easy to say of yourself, that 
you are not at home, but not so easy to say so 
of your fingers, which are always domestic in 
their habits, and you cannot avoid writing, now 
that the excuse of waiting for a frank is re- 
moved. 

Lovers must expect " frank" iucense by mail 
no longer. It is said there will be seven times 
as many letters written under the new system 



as there are now : what a prospect for a man 
who like me is dying of an epistolary plethora, 
or like the Taylor in the play, whose corres- 
pondence extends even to Constantinople ! 
Universal " suffrage," I fear, will be the inevit- 
able result. But he is a courteous man is my 
patron, nay a polished man, whence a certain 
paper with similar qualities is usually called 
" Rice paper," to denote its peculiarities. He 
will doubtless give every explanation that is 
required, and if you persist, gentle reader, in 
your desire to be further informed on this sub- 
ject, I can only repeat what I have already 
said — Ask Spring Rice. 

Sir Robert Peel has enlarged upon the loss 
of revenue likely to accrue from this measure, 
and says he objects to it " on principle." Now 
I approve of it " on interest." It may do very 
well for him who has all his correspondence 
franked to talk in this style, but what are poor 
colonists to do, who never saw a member of 
parliament or a frank either? Although no 
Whig, I desire an extension of the " Frank- 
chise." The only objection I make to the mea- 



sure is, that there is any postage at all ; and I 
hold that while the " schoolmaster is abroad," 
a good government should cany our letters for 
nothing, It is idle for the administration to 
talk of encouraging emigration, while they im- 
pose a tax on the transmission of every " mail." 
High postage precludes all correspondence. It 
is, as a lady of my acquaintance most delicate- 
ly calls it, "a preventive check" to what Joseph 
Hume, with his usual accuracy of language, 
terms "pen-urism. It has puzzled some peo- 
ple most amazingly to know, if all the pennies 
go for postage, wdiere the " rint" is to come 
from, but that is their affair and not mine ; and 
I give notice that unless my letters are carried 
"free," I shall agitate for a repeal of the union 
" with Nova Scotia." It is no answer to me, 
that ' single' letters are to be rated at only one 
penny ; what are to become of " double enten- 
dres ?" and what reason is there that wit should 
be taxed ? nor am I better satisfied to find that 
there is to be an increase in the scale, propor- 
tioned to the weight of the letters. This will 
fall particularly heavy on me, whose letters 



have always great weight in them ; I am for 
going the hog — the whole hog — and nothing 
but the hog ! In justice to my friend Captain 
Claxton and the board of directors at Bristol, 
(from whom, upon a recent occasion, when 
personally suggesting the propriety, and dis- 
cussing the feasibility, of establishing a steam 
communication with Nova Scotia, I received 
the most friendly and courteous treatment,) I 
ought to state that I wa c myself one of the pas- 
sengers on board of the Great Western during 
the voyage when this letter bag was made up ; 
indeed, as a corpulent man, I may add with 
more truth than vanity, " quorum pars magna 
fui." From my personal experience, therefore, 
I can say that the writers of several of these 
letters have drawn largely upon their imagi- 
nation, and that I should feel that I neither 
did justice to its en terj) rising and meritorious 
owners, nor to my own feelings, if I did not 
avail myself of this opportunity to express my 
unqualified approbation of this noble ship, the 
liberal provision for the comfort of the passen- 
gers, and my admiration of the skill, unremit- 



ting attention, and urbanity of its commander. 
Captain Hoskins will doubtless feel much as- 
tonished to account for the mode by which I 
became possessed of these letters, but I trust 
he knows me too well to require any other ex- 
planation than what I have already given — 
Ask Spring Rice. 



THE LETTER BAG, &c. 



No. I. 
the journal of an actress. 

Dear Laura, 

Instead of writing you a letter, I send you 
the leaves of my Atlantic Journal. 

March 22nd. — Every actress that visits 
America, plays her part in a journal ; why 
shouldn't poor little me ? How I loathe that 
word actress ! it is heartless, made up, artificial, 
imitative, a thing without a soul ; but such is 
life. We call a fool a natural ; the more fools 
we for doing so. My journal shall at least be 
mine own, and not the utterance of the thoughts 
of others. 

Bonnetted — bandboxed — packed up — and 
packed off. 



I THE LETTER BAG 

Steamed down the river (what an unpoeti- 
cal word is that steam !) in a small crazy craft, 
to where our most (read spacious for gracious) 
queen of the seas, the Great Western, lay to 
receive us. Nothing can exceed the beauty of 
the scenery on the river. 

Prodigious walls of carboniferous lime rock 
(what a beautiful Bridgewater-treatise-word 
that carboniferous is ! how Greenough, and 
Buckland, and geological-like it sounds ! had 
it been manufactured at Birmingham, it would 
have been carbony) rise in precipitous boldness 
and majestic grandeur to a height of three 
hundred feet above the water-mark ; after 
which the country, gradually laying aside its 
armour and emerging from its embattlements, 
assumes the more pleasing and gentle forms of 
sloping hills, verdant glades, and arable fields. 
Tis the estate surrounding the keep, the watch- 
tower, and the castle ; the warrior within, the 
peasant and shepherd without. 



At one point we passed the site of the in- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 3 

tended aerial bridge — a bold conception — too 
bold and too grand ever to have sprung from 
the muddy heads of the cranes and bitterns of 
Bristol. A rope waved gracefully across the 
yawning chasm, so slender and so small, as to 
resemble the silken thread of the spider, who 
is the first and best of nature's architects and 
bridge-builders. It was almost an ideal line, it 
was so tiny. It would have passed for a ma- 
thematical one, if it had been straight, it was so 
imaginary; but slight as it was, it afforded a 
secure support for a basket containing two j)as- 
s*engers, who were thus conveyed, with the ra- 
pidity of birds, from one of the precipitous 
banks to the other. It was Ariel and his 
companion descending on a sunbeam. It was 
a pretty idea, and I couldn't help saying so 
when an American observed, " I once hailed 
a steam-boat on the Mississippi, and asked the 
usual question, ' Where are you from V to which 
the skipper replied, ' From heaven !' ' How 
did you come from there?' 'I greased the 
seat of my trousers, and slid down on a rain- 
bow ! ' " What a barbarian ! I cried with evx- 



4 THE LETTER BAG 

ation ; it dashed away, at one rude blow, all 
the creations of my fancy. How I hate those 
republicans, they are so gross, so unimagina- 
tive, so barbarous. If a ray of light, a spark 
of divinity, ever penetrates their cavernous 
minds, it is like applying the lamp to the fire 
damps of the subterraneous excavations — it ex- 
plodes and destroys both. Still my attention 
was riveted (I fear that word is shoppy; I 
think it is blunting the end of a nail after it is 
driven in to prevent its extraction. I like 
etymology, and will ask my brother to-morrow. 
If it is so, I " transport him for life ") — my at- 
tention was attracted, I should rather say, by 
the sudden stoppage of this little mimic bal- 
loon in midway, when a cheer was given from 
this winged chariot of the sky, and a musket 
was discharged, the quick, sharp report of 
which was echoed and reverberated for some 
minutes among the rocks and caverns of this 
stupendous gorge. When the last sounds 
faded on our ears, a deafening cheer was re- 
turned from our steamer with hearty good will, 
and we passed on. How animating is this 



OF THE GREAT WESTERX. O 

cheer! so different from the vile clapping- of 
hands of the odious theatre : oh ! that my ears 
may never again be profaned by that gas-light, 
heartless, unmeaning welcome. . . Came 
on board. . . A crowd. . . A mob. . . How 
I hate them ! . . Descended into the — what ? 
Gracious heavens, into the saloon ! Must we 
carry with us the very phraseology of the 
house? shall Drury persecute me here? shall 
the vision of the theatre be always present ? 
oh ! spare me — I see the spectres of the real 
saloon of that vile house rise up before me — 
the gentlemen blackguards — the lady courte- 
zans. I rushed into my cabin, coffeed, wined, 
and went to bed sobbing. 

23rd. Bedded all day. That word saloon 
has haunted me ever since. Rose in the even- 
ing— petticoated, shawled, gloved, and went 
and took a last look on clear Old England, the 
land of " the brave and free." O that word 
last '.—the last look, last sigh, last farewell ! 
how it sinks into the heart ; how it speaks of 
death, of disembodied spirits, of the yawning 
grave ! It " lets down the strings," it untunes 



6 THE LETTER BAG 

the mind. I was mourning over it to my 
brother ; I was comparing notes with him, 
getting at his sensations on that dreadful word 
" last," when that odious American broke in, 
unasked, with his " sentiment." Yes, " fe- 
male," said he, beast that he is ; why did he 
not say " she one " at once ? It is more ani- 
mal-like, more brutified even than his expres- 
sion — "Yes, female ; I say damn the last, too, as 
the shoemaker did, when he tried to straighten 
himself up, after having worked upon it all 
day." I thought of dear Lord B. How he 
would have expired, exhaled, evaporated at 
such an illustration ; and then I sighed that I 
had seen him, too, for the last time. 

24th. Furious gale. The spirit of the great 
deep is unchained, and is raging in furious 
strides over the world of waters. The moun- 
tains rise up to impede him, and the valleys 
yawn at his feet to receive him. The ocean 
heaves beneath his footsteps, and the clouds 
fly in terror from his presence. The lightning 
gleams with demoniac flashes to illumine his 
terrific visage, and the thunder is the intona- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 

tion of his voice Sheeted, blanketed, 

and quilted, I remain enveloped in the drapery 
of my bed, my thoughts looking back into the 
past, and timidly adventuring to peep into 
the future, for some green spot, (O that 
dreadful theatre ! I had nearly written Green 
Room,) to pitch its tent upon, to stretch itself 
out by the cool fountain and — luxuriate. 

25th. The tempest is past, but we heave 
and pitch and roll like a drunken thing, groan- 
ing, straining, creaking. . . The paroxysm is 
past, but the palpitations have not subsided ; 
the fit is over, but the muscular contractions 
still continue. It is the heaving chest, the 
convulsed breath, the pulsations that remain 
after the storm of the passions has passed 
away. 

26th. Rose and toileted, went on deck — what 
a lovely sight ! The sea lay like a mirror 
reflecting the heavens on the smooth and 
polished surface. . . . Light clouds far away 
in the horizon, look like the snow-capt sum- 
mits of the everlasting hills placed there to 
confine the sea of molten glass within its own 



b THE LETTER BAG 

dominion, while distant vessels, with their 
spiral masts and silvery drapery, rise from its 
surface, like spirits of the deep, come to look 
upon and woo the gentle zephyrs. Sea- 
nymphs spreading their wings and disporting 
on their liquid meadows after their recent 
terror and affright. They seem like ideal 
beings — thoughts traversing the mind— sha- 
dows, or rather bright lights — emanations, 
perhaps, rather than self-existences — immate- 
rialities, essences, spirits in the moonlight. . . 
Wrote journal, mended a pair of silk stock- 
ings, hemmed a pocket-handkerchief, night- 
capped, and went to bed — to dream, to idealise, 
to build aerial castles, to get the hysterics, and 
to sleep. 

27th. Altered my petticoats, added two 
inches for Boston Puritans, and the Philadel- 
phia Quakers ; took off two for the fashion- 
ables of New York, three for Baltimore, and 

made kilts of them for New Orleans 

Asked steward for books ; he brought me " The 
Life of Corporal Jabish Fish, a hero of the 
American Revolution, in five volumes ;" put 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 9 

it in my journal — a good story for Lord W., 
who is a hero ; chattered, sung, and German- 
ised, with General T., (not conversed, for no 
American converses ; he proses, sermonises, or 
pamphleteers.) . . . Toddy'd — poor dear Sir 
A. taught me that, and I wish he were here to 
' brew' for me now, as he used to call it. There 
certainly is inspiration in whiskey, and when 
Temperance opened the door Poetry took 
flight, and winged its way to heaven. It is 
no longer an inhabitant of earth. . . Ah me ! 
we shall hold high converse with angel spirits 
no more. It is all Brummigem now — all cheap 
and dirty, like its coaches — bah ! 

28th. General T. says he is glad I did not 
marry before I left England, for Vestris' doing 
so was taken as a quiz on the starched Yan- 
kees. Mem. Won't marry on board, and if 
I take a republican, may the devil take me 
without salt, as the Marquis of W. says. I 
wish I were a man — an English-man though, 
for men choose, women are chosen — to select 
is better than to be selected, which is bazaar- 
like. What's the price of that pretty bauble ? 
b 5 



10 THE LETTER BAG 

Ah, I like it — send it home. Play with it — 
get -tired— throw it aside. No harm in that, 
to be scorned is nothing ; it is pleasant to scorn 
back again, but to be supplanted — ah, there is 
the rub. I have a headache — the billow for 
my pillow ; I will be a child again, and be 

rocked to sleep 

29th. A shout on deck, all hands rushed up 
— what a strange perversion of terms is this ! 
It is a waterspout — how awful ! ! The thirsty 
cloud stooping to invigorate itself with a 
draught of the sea — opening its huge mouth 
and drinking, yet not even deigning to wait 
for it, but gulping it as it goes. . . . We fire 
into it, and it vanishes ; its watery load is re- 
turned, and ' like the baseless fabric of a vision, 
it leaves not a wreck behind.' It is one of 
" the wonders of the great deep." That rude 
shock has dispelled it. . . Thus is it in life. . . 
The sensitive mind releases its grasp of the 
ideal, when it comes in contact with grossness. 
It shrinks within itself — it retreats in terror. 
Yet what a wonderful sight it is ! how nearly 
were we ingulfed, swallowed up, and carried 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 11 

into the sky, to be broken to pieces in our 
fall, as the seamew feeds on the shell-fish by 
dashing it to pieces on a rock. O that vile 
American ! he too has imitated the scene, he 
has broken my train of thought by his literal 
and grovelling remark, " Well, I vow, female, 
what an everlastin' noise it lets off its water 
with !" I wonder if they kiss in America ; 
surely not ; for if they did, such fellows as this 

would learn better manners Wrote 

journal. . . . Frenchified my frock, to please 
the New Yorkers — unbooted, unstayed, and 
snuggled up like a kitten, in bed. 

30th. Sat on the deck, sad and musing — 
dropped some pieces of paper overboard — won- 
dered whither they went — will they wander 
many days on the water, and then sink? 
Thought of my journal. It will be like them, 
a little scrap on the great sea of Literature, 
floating its brief day, and then, alas, sinking to 
rise no more. Saturated, its light pages will 
float no longer, but be consigned, like them, 
to an early grave ; but I have had my day, 
which is more than every ' female,' as the 



12 THE LETTER BAG 

American calls us, has had, and who knows 
but my hook may be as well received ? Bah ! 
how I loathe that theatrical expression — as 
popular — that too smells of the shop — ah, I have 
it, as much the ton. Howsoever 

31st. Pottered on deck all day with General 
T. and my brother. The former talked of 
the Prairies till I dreamed all night of the 
fat bulls of Bashan, and the buffaloes of the 
plain. 

April 1st. General T. advises me not to 
take my servant to the table, as it is said Mrs. 
Mathews did at Saratoga, for so far from these 
republicans liking equality, they are the most 
aristocratic people in the world. What a 
puzzle is man ! Poor dear Lord Czar, with 
all his radical notions, is the proudest " of his 
order" of any peer of the realm. Indeed, 
pride is the root of all democracy. Show me 
a Tory, and I will then show you a rational 
lover of freedom ; show me a radical, and I 
will show you a tyrant. If the Americans 
boast so much of their equality as to exclude 
from their vocabulary the word ' servant,' and 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN 



13 



substitute that of ' help,' why should they ob- 
ject to those ' helps' helping them to eat their 
dinner? It passes the understanding of poor 
little me. How I wish some one would ex- 
plain all things to me ! 

2nd. My brother was so-so to-day after 
dinner, but wine makes him brilliant and 
witty ; and why should I be ashamed to note 
it? It was the sons, and not the sisters of 
Noah, (merry old soul,) that walked backwards 
and covered liim, when he was too oblivious 
with the juice of the grape, to recollect such 
vulgar things as cloths. Read — Italianed — 
stitched a new chemisette. 

3rd. How this glorious steamer wallops and 
gallops, and flounders along ! She goes it like 
mad. Its motion is unlike that of any living 
thing I know — pufling like a porpoise, breast- 
ing the waves like a sea-horse, and at times 
skimming the surface like a bird. It possesses 
the joint powers of the tenants of the air, land, 
and water, and is superior to them all ... . 
At night we had a glorious, splendent, silvery 
moon. The stars were bright, though feeble, 



14 THE LETTER BAG 

hiding their diminished heads before their 
queen, enthroned in all her majesty. What 
an assemblage of the heavenly hosts ! How 
grand — how sublime! It is a chaste beauty 
is the moon, beautiful but cold, inspiring re- 
spect, admiration, and so on, but not love, not 
breathing of passion. It is a melancholy feel- 
ing that it raises in the beholder, like a pale 
Grecian face, that calls up emotions of tender- 
ness, but no ardour, and excites interest, but 
not transport. Which is the best, the inflam- 
matory sun or the chilly moon ? Midway, 
perhaps, " in medio tutissimus ibis," as dear 
Lord B. used to say, whenever he threaded 
my needle for me. I will potter with General 
T. about it. He looks moon-struck himself. 
Tea'd, suppered, champagned, tidied myself for 
bed, and I fear — snored. 

4th. How I hate the saloon ! — I will join the 
Yankees and spit upon it. How vulgar are 
all those gaudy decorations of a steamer! 
Why should we pander to the bad taste of a 
mob for filthy lucre ? why not lead instead of 
following, dictate instead of submitting ? Are 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 15 

we too to become democratic, and must the 
voice of the majority rale? O for an hour of 
that dear little villa of Lord B.'s ! what taste, 
what fitness of things to purposes ! What re- 
finement, what delicacy ! O for a snuff of its 
classic air, for half a yard of its Parnassian 
sky ! How he would be annihilated by a 

voyage in this boat ! Howsoever 

5th. A dies non, as the new judge used to 
call it when non se ipse. 

6th and 7th. Ditto, as the shopkeepers say. 
8th and 9th. The same as yesterday, as the 
doctors say. 

10th and 11th. No better, as the bulletins 
say. 

12th and 13th. As well as can be expected? 
as the nurses say. 

14th. I was asked to-day if ever I had been 
in love. I know not. What is love ? The 
attraction of two ethereal spirits, sympathy ; 
but these spirits are only seen through mortal 
coil. The worm feeds and battens where love 
has revelled. Can we love what corruption 
claims as its own? Do we not mistake na- 



16 THE LETTER BAG 

tural impulses for this divine feeling ? What 
a pity Love clogs his wings with sweets ; be- 
comes sated — tired — soured ! Platonic love is 
nearer perfection ; it has more reason, and less 
passion ; more sentiment, and less grossness. 
To love is to worship — with my body I thee wor- 
ship ; but that is not love, it is desire. With my 
soul I thee worship ; but that is idolatry. If we 
worship with neither body nor soul, what is 
love ? Lips, can it reside in them ? The breath 
may be bad — the teeth unsound — the skin ery- 
sipelatous. Bah ! love a leper ? What is 
love, then ? It is a phantom of the mind — an 
hallucination — an ignis fatuus — a will-o'-the- 
wisp — touch it, and it dissolves — embrace it, 
and a shadow fills your arms — speak, and it 
vanishes. Alas ! love is not. Howsoever — 
went to bed — wept for vexation like a child, 
and when wearied with sobbing — slept. 

loth. Land ahead — a strange land too ; yes, 
though they speak English, a foreign land, 
the domain of the rebellious son who mutinied 
and fought his parent. Can, I ask myself, 
can a blessing attend such an unnatural at- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 17 

tempt ? nous verrons. The pilot is on board ; 
what are the first questions ? The price of 
cotton and tobacco. They are traders are the 
Yankees ; and I hate trade, its contracted no- 
tions and petty details. I think I see Lord B. 
turn in scorn from the colloquy ; his fine aris- 
tocratic face expressive of intellectual contempt 
at such sordid calculations. Would that he 
were here, that we might retire to the cabin 
and have a reading of Shakspeare, together 
drink at the inspired fount, and philosophise 
on men and things ; but, alas ! he is gone 
where all must go ; and I have gone where 
none would wish to go. Poor little me ! Thus 
endeth the last day of the steamer. 
Yours always, 

Mary Cooke. 



THE LETTER BAG 



No. II. 



letter from cato mignionette (the coloured 
steward) to mr. lavender. 

My dear Labender, 
Since I ab de pleasure to see you on 
board de Lady Jackson liner, I leave de 
line myself, and now is on board de Great 
Western steamboat, ob which I ab de com- 
mand. You ab seen fourth July day, Mr. 
Labender, well he no touch to it, and 
you ab see de Great New York mob to pull 
down colored people's houses, well dat not 
noting to it needer, and you ab see de great 
fire, well de croud dere not fit to hold a can- 
dle to it, oh you neber ! but I tell you more 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 19 

by and by. We ab one hunder and ten pas- 
senger, big and leetle, and some damn big 
ones the is too, which more dan one 
steward can provide for ginteely, and my ser- 
vants do give me werry great trouble, so they 
do. First I ab all English ; well, de English 
werry stupid, werry sarcy, and lazy as de 
debil, you can't beat nothing into dere damn 
tick heads ; and dey is too eavy heeled for 
servants, so I jist discharge em all — I wouldn't 
ab dem if dey work for noting, de great good 
for noting lubbers, and I've colored people in 
dere plaice. Dey werry much more better 
den de trash of whites, but still dey no please 
me, for I neber like to see de grass grow 
under de feet of de waiters, and dere is too 
many forme to look after all alone myself. De 
captain he man-o'-war buckra, and dey is all 
cussed stiff, and most too big men for dere 
breeches, and when he walky de deck, he 
only see de stars and de sun, he no see de 
ship and de passenger, but leab all to me, 
which give me an everlastin' sight of trouble. 
He ought to come and help me at de bar his 



20 THE LETTER BAG 

self, so lie had ought, but he too proud for 
dat, and so is all dem what has de swab on 
de shoulder, and proper hard bargain de 
queen hab of some of dem too, I tell you, Mr. 
Labender. By Golly but I most wore out, 
and dat is de truth. Steward here, and steward 
dere, and steward ebery where ; well I say 
Coming, sir, but I takes care neberto come to 
none at all ; and when dey is tired of calling, 
dey come ob dem selves to me, and find out 
to de last it would be ebery bit as good for em 
to hab come at fust and sabe dere wind to 
cool dere soup wid. But I makes sception of 
de ladies, de dear critturs I do lub em, and 
likes to tend on em, dey is so helpless, 
poor tings ! But one ting I must say, and 
dat is, de white ladies do lub werry stiff 
grog, werry stif indeed, Mr. Labender, you 
ab no notion of it no more den a child. Stew- 
ard, a leetle, werry leetle weak brandy and 
water, but mind and let him be werry weak. 
Yes, ma'am I say, and away I goes to mix it. 
Poor leetle tings ! I knows werry well what 
werry weak means — it means half and half, 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 21 

jist as I likes him myself. Well, when I 
takes it to de lady, she make a face like de 
cabbage leaf, all puckery, puckery, wrinckely 
wrinckely, and arter eber so leetle of a swig 
at it, she gives him back again to me. Oh 
steward, she says, how could you ! dat is too 
trong, put in a little drop more water, dat 
is a good steward. Well, I knows what dat 
means too, so I goes back and puts in one 
glass brandy more, and two lumps of de sugar 
more, and stir him up well wid de spoon, and 
gib him a little nutmeg for de flavour. Try dat, 
marm, I say, see how you like him, I most 
fear he too weak now. No, steward, she say, 
and she smile werry sweet, de little dear, dat 
will do werry well, dat just right now — always 
take care to mix my brandy and water weak, 
for I isn't used to him strong, and he gets 
into my head. Yes, marm, I say, now I 
knows your gage, I fit you exacaly to a T., 
marm. De dere leetle critturs, de grog he 
do warm em hearts and brighten de eye, and 
make em werry good-natured. I knows dat 
by myself, I always feels better for de stiff 



22 THE LETTER BAG 

glass of grog. Poor leetle tings ! but dey do 
like him werry stiff, werry stiff indeed, it is 
actilly astonishing how stiff they do takes 
him. 

As to de men passengers, I always let dem 
shift for demselves, for dere isn't werry few 
of dem is real superfine gentlemens, but jist 
refidge a leetle varnished over de surface like, 
all pretence. Dey all make believe dat dey 
know wine, when, dam um, dere isn't hardly 
none of em know him by name even. One 
buccra says, Steward, I can't drink clis wine, 
it is werry poor stuff; what de debil do you 
mean by giving me such trash as dis, he no 
fit to drink at all ? Change him directly, and 
gib me some dat is fit for a gentleman. Well 
I takes up cle wine, and looks at um werry 
knowing, and den whisper in his ear not to 
speak so loud lest ebery body hear ; and I 
put de finger on my nose and nods, and I 
goes and brings him anoder bottle of de 
werry identical same wine, and he taste him, 
smack his lip, and say, Ah, dat is de wine, 
steward, always bring me dat wine, and I 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN 23 

remember you when I leab de ship. Hush, 
I say, massa, not so loud, sir, if you please, for 
dere is only a werry few bottles of dat are 
wine, and I keep him for you, for I sees you 
knows de good wine when you sees him, 
which is more nor most gentlemen does. 
Dey is cussed stupid is dem whites, and werry 
conceited too, Mr. Labender ; but dere is 
noting like letting him hab his own way. 

Den dey all speak different language. One 
man is Frenchman, well he calls steam-boat 
" bad toe," de German he call him " dam- 
shift-ford." One calls a plate " as yet," anoder 
name him " skelp eye," and de tird man call 
him " taller," and de fort say " platter," and 
ebery one amost has a different word for him. 
Dere is no making head or tail of dem at all, 
— I don't try no more now at all — I only give 
de head a shake and pass on. We ab got too 
many masters here, Mr. Labender, a great deal 
too many. 

Now, when I was been in de line packet, 
sir, and want urn pitcher, I go captain, and 
say, " Captain, I want um pitcher," and he say, 



24 THE LETTER BAG OF 

" Werry well, Mr. Mignionette( he neber call me 
steward, like de sarcy proud man-o'-war buc- 
cras do,) werry well, Mr. Mignionette, den buy 
ran ;" and I buys uni for one dollar, and charge 
him one dollar and half, de half dollar for de 
trouble, and leetle enough it is too, for crockery 
be werry brittle — so far so good. Now when I 
has occasion, I go captain, and say, " I want urn 
pitcher, sir." " Werry well, steward," he say, 
" make a report in writing." Den I goes and 
makes a report for pitcher in writing, for de 
skipper, and skipper he make anoder report to 
de great captain in Bristol, and dat captain he 
call togeder de great big directors — plaguy 
rich men they is too, I tell you ; and he read 
my report to de skipper, and skipper report to 
him, and dey all make speeches, round de 
table, as dey does in congress, and if dey is in 
good humour it is voted — yes, I ab him. Den 
captain he send for clerk, and clerk he issue 
order for pitcher to some dam white feller or 
anoder to Bristol, who send me one worth a 
dollar, and charge ran boat two dollar for him. 
Well, Company lose half dollar — I lose half 



OF THE GREAT WESTERX. ^O 

dollar, and all lose a great deal of time. Werry 
bad derangement dat, sir, werry bad indeed, 
for dere is too nmcli " cheenery" in it to work 
well. By-and-by dey find out too many cooks 
spoil de broth, or else I knows noting, that's 
all. 

Den dey holds me 'sponsible for all de plate, 
which is not fair by no manner o' means at all, 
in such a mob of scaley whites as we ab on 
board, and where ebery man is taken what 
pays passage, and sometimes dem white fel- 
lers is no better nor him should be, I tell you. 

Toder day I sell some small ting to de out- 
landish Jew, who no speak werry good English, 
and I goes into his cabin, and I say, " Come, 
massa, I say, our voyage over now, him pilot 
on board, so you fork out, massa, if you please." 
Well, he stared like a shy horse. " What dat 
you say ?" says he. " You fork out now, massa," 
I say. Den he goes round, and he bolt de 
door, and den he say, I give you one sovereign, 
steward, if you no mention it. " Oh," I say, 
" I neber mention him, massa, neber fear ; and 
I's werry much obliged to you, sir, werry much 



26 THE LETTER BAG 

indeed." Den he say, " Here is de forks," and he 
give me back three silver forks ; " I tookt um by 
mistake," he say, " and I hope you no mention 
him." Oh, ho, says I to myself, is dat de way 
de cat jump? — now I see how de land lay — I 
come Jew over you, my boy — my turn come 
now. Four sovereigns more, massa, and 
steward he keep mum, and if you no pay de 
money, I go bring captain, passenger and ebery 
one. Well, him sovereign break um heart 
amost, but he show him out for all dat afore I 
go — one — two — three — four — five sovereigns. 
" All's right now, massa," I say ; " dat is what I 
calls ' forking out.' " Jist as I turns for to go, 
he say, " How you know I ab um, steward, any 
body tell you ?" " Oh, massa," I say, " I know de 
tief so far as I see him. When I clap eyes on 
you fust, by Gosh, I knew you for one of dem 
dam rascals. No mistake, massa, face neber 
tell um lie — he always speaky de truth." I hab 
to keep my eyes about me all de time, Mr. 
Labender, I tell you, and de command of dis 
ship is too great fatigue for one man. Dey 
must give me some officers under me, or I 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 27 

resign my place, and throw him up, and return 
to de line again, which is more selecter and 
better company as steam-boats has. 

Please to ab de goodness to make my re- 
spects to Miss Labender, and to all de young- 
ladies to home, who I hopes to ab de happiness 
to see in good health and spirits, when I ab 
opportunity to wisit clem, which appears werry 
long indeed since I hab, almost an age. I 
take de liberty to send a pair of most superfine 
stocking's of de flesh colour silk, of de newest 
fashion, for each of de young ladies, which I 
hope dey will do me de honour to wear in 
remembrance of me, and now I be, 
My dear Labender, 

Your most obedient help, 

Cato Mignionette. 



c2 



"28 THE LETTER BAG 



No. III. 

letter from captain haltfront of the 
th regiment of foot to lt. fugleman. 

My dear Fugleman, 
You will naturally inquire how I like the 
Great Western, the speed and splendour of 
which has been the theme of every newspaper 
for the last year, and will perhaps be some- 
what surprised to read the account I am now 
about to give you. I own that I fear my narra- 
tive will appear to you as the production of a 
disordered mind, the effusion of low spirits 
and an irritable disposition, and that you will 
regard me as the voluntary victim of a mor- 
bid sensibility. I wish for my own sake that this ■ 
were the case, and that the day might arrive, 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 29 

when I could look back upon the degradation 
and misery I have recently suffered as only 
imaginary. But, alas ! my dear fellow, it is no 
phantom of the brain, but sad reality — reality, 
do I say ? — it falls far, very far short of the 
reality, which no words can paint, no pen 
describe. There are some things connected 
with the Great Western, which I am aware 
affect people differently, who are placed under 
different circumstances from each other. For 
instance, steam navigation may be all very 
well for those whose object is business, but 
mine happens to be pleasure, or for those who 
are in a hurry, which I am not, or for such as, 
considering time to be money, are desirous of 
economising it, but I wish to spend both, and 
spend them agreeably. To me, therefore, to 
whom none of these considerations apply, it 
is an unmitigated evil. My first disappoint- 
ment, and one which gave me an early inti- 
mation of much of the misfortune that was in 
store for me, was not enjoying, as I had hoped 
from the payment of forty-two sovereigns, the 
exclusive occupation of my state room. This 



30 THE LETTER BAG 

is indispensable, I will not say to comfort, but 
to common decency. I have the honour and 
pleasure of having a most delectable chum, 
who, besides many minor accomplishments, 
chews tobacco, spits furiously, talks through 
his nose, and snores like a Newfoundland dog. 
Many of his habits are too offensive even to 
mention, and you may therefore easily imagine 
what the endurance of them for twenty-two 
days must have been. He constantly uses my 
towels instead of his own ; whenever he brushes 
his hair (which I believe he never dressed 
before) he uses my clothes-brush, and I am 
compelled to refrain from that appropriated 
to my teeth, under an apprehension that it 
has suffered a similar contamination. He is 
dreadfully sea-sick, and is either too indolent 
or too ignorant to make use of the ordinary 
appliances — his boots are made of villanous 
leather, and actually poison me, and to add 
to my distress, he invariably draws back his 
curtain that he may amuse himself by inspect- 
ing at his leisure the process of my toilet. 
Bad as the air of my room is, I cannot ven- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 31 

ture at night to open my cabin door for the 
purpose of ventilation, for the black servants 
sleep on the floor of the saloon, and the 
effluvia is worse than that of a slaver. Driven 
from my dormitory at daylight, I resort to the 
poop-deck, to enjoy a little fresh air ; but here 
I am met by a host of snobs and foreigners, 
who smoke incessantly ; stifled by the fumes 
of tobacco, which I never could endure even 
when well and ashore, I am soon compelled, 
in order to save my life, to dive again into 
the saloon. In the descent I find myself in- 
volved in the eddies and whirlpools of a mob 
of some hundred and twenty passengers hurry- 
ing to breakfast, where cold tea, hard biscuits, 
greasy toast, stale eggs, and mountains of 
cold meat, the intervening valleys of which 
are decorated with beef steaks floating in 
grease, await me to tempt my delicate appe- 
tite. Waiters who never wait, and servants 
who order everything, and though deaf are 
never dumb, fly from one end of the saloon to 
the other in terrific haste, that threatens to 
overturn every one that happens unfortunately 



32 THE LETTER BAG 

to be in their way. Vociferous claims for 
attendance that is never given, and the still 
louder response of " Coming, sir," from him 
that never comes, the clatter of many dishes, 
the confusion of many tongues, the explosion 
of soda bottles, the rattle of knives and forks, 
the uproarious laugh, the ferocious oath, the 
deep-toned voice of the steward, and the shrill 
discordant note of the Mulatto women, create 
a confusion that no head can stand and no pen 
describe. It is absolutely appalling ; the 
onslaught, however, is soon over, the carnage 
ceases, and the hosts retire, but what a rabble 
rout ! — hurry scurry, pell mell, helter skelter, 
to secure priority to book yourself for — but I 
cannot go on, it cannot be named. Distressed, 
dejected, and ill, I return to the vacant saloon, 
when lo, two Africans, each bearing immense 
piles of plates, commence dealing them out like 
experienced whist players, and with a rapidity 
that is perfectly astonishing. These are 
followed by two others, who pitch, by a sleight 
of hand, the knives and forks into their re- 
spective places, like quoits, and with equal 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 33 

accuracy. It is preparation for lunch ; the 
gong sounds, and the stream of passengers 
pours down the hatchway again with a rush 
similar to that of shipping a sea. The wave 
rolls fore and aft, and then surges heavily 
from one side to the other, and finding its 
level gradually, subsides into something like 
a uniform surface — all have now found their 
places save a lady immoveably nailed to the 
wall by a Mulatto girl in an unsuccessful at- 
tempt to pass in the narrow gangway ; the 
struggle to disengage themselves is desperate 
but ineffectual, until fifty people rise, and by 
displacing the table give room for a passage. 
What a nosegay for the bosom of an emanci- 
pating Jamaica viceroy ! a white rose budded 
on a black one — oh, the very odours exhaled 
by that sable beauty suffocate me even at 
this distance of time. Now rise the mingled 
voices, the confused sounds, the din of corks, 
glasses, and plates, but louder than before, for 
wine exhilarates, and those who were unable 
to rise to breakfast have succeeded in joining 
the party at lunch. Again the flock rises on 
c 5 



34 THE LETTER BAG 

the wing, and takes flight with a noise com- 
pounded of the chattering of magpies and the 
cawing of rooks, the fragments are gathered, 
and the ground cleared of the refuse of the 
repast. I will enjoy this respite — I will wile 
away the time with a book, and withdraw my 
mind from the contemplation of my misery, 
but, alas ! the same earthenware gambols ap- 
pear again to exhibit their tricks of plates in 
preparation for dinner; I once more reluc- 
tantly mount the deck with uneasy and un- 
steady steps, where, after executing a variety 
of rapid evolutions on its greasy surface, ren- 
dered still more treacherous by fragments of 
orange-peel, I fall heavily, tripped by some 
kind protruding foot, and am dreadfully 
cut in my face and hands by angular 
nutshells, which are scattered about with the 
same liberality as the rind of the orange. 
Shouts of laughter solace me for my misfortune, 
and coarse jokes in English, German, French, 
and Yankee, assail me in all quarters. There 
is but one alternative, I will retire to my den, 
miscalled a state-room ; but, alas ! my amiable 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 35 

chum has used my basin — my towel is floating 
on it, as if in pity to my sufferings, to hide its 
contents, and the ewer is empty. How are 
these evils to be remedied ? the noise of the 
saloon is too great for my feeble voice to be 
heard, the servants are too busy to attend, and 
I am too weak to assist myself. But what will 
not time, patience, and good-nature effect ? 

I have succeeded at last, my wounds are 
covered with plasters, my toilet effected, and 
lo, the gong again sounds, the harpies again 
assemble, and the same scene ensues that was 
presented at breakfast and lunch. But ah me, 
what a meal is the dinner ! it is " scabies oc- 
cupet extremum," or the devil take the hind- 
most. I look around the table to see if there 
is anything I can eat. There is a dish which 
I think I can try. I cast an imploring look 
upon the steward and another upon the dish, 
or rather on the spot where it stood, for it is 
gone, fled to another table and returns no 
more. I must try again — there are fowls — a 
wing with a slice of ham I think I might ven- 
ture upon ; but, alas ! he who carves exclusively 



36 THE LETTER BAG 

for himself and his party, has removed the 
wings and every other delicate part, and sends 
me the dish with the skeletons to help myself. 
I examine the table again, and again decide to 
make an attempt to eat, but the dinner is gone, 
and the dessert has supplied its place. Who 
are these fellow-passengers of mine? are they 
sportsmen ? has the word " course " awakened 
the idea of a race, and do they eat for a wager, 
or are they marketing, and anxious to get the 
value of their money ? Have they ever drunk 
wine before, that they call that port wine and 
water hock, or that sour gooseberry champaigne, 
or do they ever expect to drink again, that 
they call for it so often and so eagerly ? — I will 
now enjoy a little quiet — I will enter into con- 
versation with my neighbours, but who shall I 
talk to ? That old married couple annoy me 
by showing their yellow teeth and snarling, 
and that new married couple disgust me by 
their toying — I cannot speak Spanish, and 
that German understands neither English nor 
French. There is no conversation, the pro- 
gress of the ship, Niagara, machinery, and the 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. : 37 

price of cotton and tobacco, are the only topics ; 
or if these standard tunes admit of variation, 
it is an offer of a Polish Jew to exchange a 
musical snuff-box for your watch, or to cheat 
you in a bet on a subject that admits of no 
doubt. I will follow Miss Martineau's advice 
— I will try to discover " the way to observe," 
I will study character. What, again, Mr. 
Dealer in Delfs, is there no respite for the 
teeth, no time for digestion ? Is eating and 
drinking the only business of life ? Clearing 
the table for tea, sir, — it is tea time — you will 
find it pleasanter on deck. Oh that deck, 
that treacherous deck, the very thoughts of it 
and its orange-peel, pulverised glass, and 
broken nutshells, make my wounds bleed 
afresh. But I will be more careful, I will 
take heed to my ways, I will backslide no 
more, nor prostrate myself again before the 
multitude ; I will ascend, and look that I fall 
not. But hark ! who is that unfortunate 
being, whose last agonising shriek has thrilled 
me with horror, and who those hardened 
wretches that exult in his pain? Whence that 



38 THE LETTER BAG 

deafening cheer, that clapping of hands, that 
uproarious stamping of feet ? Is death itself 
become a subject of merriment, and are the 
last fearful moments of life a fitting occasion 
for laughter ? It is a German, who, merely 
because he is a German, must, forsooth, be 
able to sing, and it is his screaming that is 
delighting the mob and calling forth these re- 
iterated plaudits. How brutal is ignorance, 
how disgusting is vulgar pretension! But far 
above all these human voices rises that inhu- 
man sound of the gong again, and summonses 
this voracious multitude to the fourth meal. 
The herd is again possessed with the unclean 
spirit, and, rushing violently down the pre- 
cipitous descent, is soon lost in the vasty 
depths below. I will not follow them, but 
availing myself of the open space they have 
deserted, avoid, at the same time, the tobacco 
and its accompaniments on deck, and the 
noise and gluttony of the cabin, and enjoy for 
once the luxury of solitude. My strength, 
however, is unequal to the exposure ; the night 
air is too cold, and the sea too rough for my 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 39 

emaciated body. Though revived, I am be- 
coming chilled, and suffer from the spray 
which now falls heavily. The sound of the 
last plate has died away, and I must retreat to 
avoid these repeated shower-baths. Whist, 
loo, chess, draughts, and backgammon have for- 
tunately produced a comparative quiet, — but 
how is this ? I shall faint — the heat is dreadful 
— the oppression perfectly intolerable. Fifty 
voices exclaim at once, " The sky-light — open 
the sky-light — death or the sky-light !" It is 
opened, and ere the cool breeze ventilates the 
tainted atmosphere, sixty voices are heard vo- 
ciferating, " It flares the candles — it puts out 
the lights — the draft on the head is insupport- 
able." No two can agree in opinion, and the 
confusion is indescribable. 

I take no interest in the dispute ; fainting 
or freezing are alike to me. I shall die, and 
die so soon, that the choice of mode is not 
worth considering. Heat or cold, or both in 
aguish succession, anything, in short, is better 
than noise. I hope now, at all events, that the 
eating for the day is past. " Steward, come 
hither, steward." 



40 THE LETTER BAG 

" Bring it directly, sir." 

" Nay, I called not for anything-, but come 
hither, I wish to speak to you." 

" Have it in a minute, sir — I am waiting on 
a gentleman^ 

It is useless, I will inquire of my neighbour. 
" Pray, sir, (and I tremble for his answer,) 
pray, sir, can you inform me whether we are to 
have supper 1" 

" Why, not exactly a regular supper, sir ; 
there should be though, we pay enough, and 
ought to have it ; and really, four meals a-day 
at sea are not sufficient — it is too long to go 
from tea-time to breakfast without eating. 
But you can have anything you call for, and I 
think it is high time to begin, for they close 
the bar at ten o'clock.— Steward, brandy and 
water." 

It is the signal; voice rises above voice and 
shout above shout — whiskey, rum, cider, soda, 
ham, oysters, and herrings ; the demand is 
greater than the supply. " Damn them, they 
don't hear !" — " Why the devil don't you 
come ?" — " Bear a hand, will you ?" — " Curse 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 41 

that six foot, he is as deaf as a post !" — " You 
most particular, everlastin, almighty snail ! do 
you calculate to convene me with them are 
chicken fixings or not ?" — " I hope I may be 
shot if I don't reciprocate your inattention by 
a substraction from the amount of your con- 
stitutional fees, that's a fact !" — " Blood and 
ounds, man, are you going to be all night?'' — 
" Hohl dich der teufel, what for you come 
not — diable — depechez done, bete ?" The bar 
is shut — the day is past — the scene closes — the 
raging of the elements is over, and a lull once 
more prevails ; not a sound is heard but the 
solitary tinkling of a spoon on the glass as it 
stirs up the dregs of the toddy, which is sipped 
with miserly lips, that hang fondly and eagerly 
over the last drop. I will read now, I will lose, 
in the pathetic story of " Oliver Twist," a sense 
of my own miseries. It is one of the few 
novels I can read ; there are some touches of 
deep feeling in it. Oh that horrid perfume ! 
it is a negro — his shadow is now over me — I 
feel his very breath — my candle is rudely 
blown out, without either notice or apology ; 



42 THE LETTER BAG 

and the long smoking wick, reeking of tallow, 
is left under my nose, to counteract by its 
poison the noxious effluvia of the African. 
" How dare you, sir ?" — " Orders, sir, — ten 
o'clock — lights out in the saloon." — " I have 
no objection to the order, it is a proper one ; 
and whether proper or not, it is sufficient for 
me that it is an order, but it should be ex- 
ecuted, if not with civility, at least with 
decency ; but I submit." I crawl off to my 
den again, thankful that I shall be left alone, 
and can commune with myself in my own 
chamber, and be still. But no, my chum is 
there, he is in the joint act of expectorating 
and undressing. It is a small place for two to 
stand in, a dirty place to be in at all : but time 
presses, my head swims in dizziness, and I 
must try. My coat is half off, and my arms 
pinioned by it behind me, and in this defence- 
less state, a sudden roll of the ship brings my 
companion upon me with the weight of an 
elephant ; and in the fall he grasps, and car- 
ries with him, the basin. We slide from side 
to side ; we mop the floor with our cloths 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 43 

— but I cannot proceed ; Niagara would not 
purify me, the perfumes of Arabia would not 
sweeten me. Oh death ! where is now thy 
sting? Why didst thou respect me in the 
battle field to desert me now in the hour of 
my need ? Why was I reserved for a fate like 
this — to die like a dog — to be poisoned in a 
steamer ? 

If I should still survive, dear Fugleman, 
which I do not expect and cannot wish, I re- 
turn not by a steamer. I shall go to Halifax 
and take passage in a Falmouth packet, where 
there is more of society and less of a mob ; 
where there is more cleanliness and less splen- 
dour ; where eating is not the sole business of 
life, but time is given you to eat; where the 
company is so agreeable you seldom wish to be 
alone, but where you can be alone if you wish, 
— in short, where you can be among gentlemen. 
Believe me, my clear Fugleman, 
Yours always, 

John Haltfront. 



44 THE LETTER BAG 



No. IV. 

letter from a midshipman of h. m. ship 
lapwing to an officer of the inconstant. 

Dear Jack, 
Land a head, my boy, and to-morrow we 
come down with the dust, not coal dust, 
please the pigs, nor gold dust, for I never 
could raise the wind to raise that kind of dust, 
but rael right down genuioine Yankee dust, and 
no mistake.— What dost thou think of that, 
Jack? Oh, it blew till all was blue again, the 
whole voyage, but our smoking steed, the 
charming Cinderella, behaved nobly. She 
flew through the water like the steam through 
the flue ; she never broke a bucket, carried 
away a coal-skuttle, or sprung a poker, but 
behaved like a dear little scullion as she is. 
She paddled like a duck, and hissed like a 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 45 

swan. She ran a race with mother Carey's 
chickens, and beat them by a neck. O she 
is a dear love of a smoke-jack. If we haven't 
had any distinguished living characters on 
board, we have had the honour of carrying the 
" ashes of the grate ;" (old pun that, Jack, but 
we always wear old clothes, and fire old puns 
at sea, you know ;) and although we have been 
accused of ' poking' our way across the At- 
lantic, I don't know how that applies to us, for 
we kept a " straight course," ran like the devil, 
and cleared " all the bars." It was a " stir- 
ring" time on board, every countenance was 
' lighted' up ; and though there was much 
' heat,' there was no ' quarrelling.' ' Falling 
out,' however, would be much less dangerous 
than ' falling in,' and there is some little dif- 
ference between a " blow up" and a "blow out," 
as you and I happen to know to our cost. We 
have lots of land lubbers on board, young agi- 
tators fond of " intestine commotions," who are 
constantly " spouting" — maidens whose bosoms 
" heave" — young clerks who "cast up accounts" 
— custom-house officers who " clear out" — sharp- 



46 THE LETTER BAG 

ers given to " overreaching" — Jews who at the 
tafFrail " keep a pass-over" — lawyers who 
" take nothing by their motion" — doctors who 
have " sick visits" — choleric people who cannot 
" keep down their bile"— bankrupts who " give 
up all they have" — spendthrifts who " keep 
nothing long" — idlers who do nothing all day 
but " go up and down" — men of business ex- 
hibiting " bills of lading"— swindlers who " cut 
and run" — military men who " surrender at 
discretion" — boys that quarrel, and " throw up 
at cards" — servants that cannot " keep their 
places"— auctioneers, with their "going, going, 
gone !" — preachers who say " they want but 
little here below, nor want that little long" — 
hypocrites that make " long faces" — grumblers 
that are " open mouthed" — babblers that " keep 
nothing in" — painters ever reluctant to " show 
their palette" — authors that cannot conceal 
" their effusions" — printers that never leave 
" their sheets," and publishers that first 
" puff," and then " bring forth their trash." In 
short, men of all sorts in " one common mess." 
Lord, what fun it is, dear Jack, to see these 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 47 

creatures! — Good Christians they are too, for 
they ' give and take ;' they ' return' all kind- 
ness with interest — charitable to a degree, for 
they ' give all they have,' and ' strain' a point 
to do their utmost. Candid souls, they " keep 
nothing back," but " bring everything for- 
ward," without any consideration for them- 
selves. Although there is no danger of death, 
they are resigned to die. Their pride is so 
humbled, that they no longer " carry their 
heads high," or are burthened with a " proud 
stomach," but are content to remain in the 
place they occupy. The vanities of dress 
they wholly discard, and would be disgusted 
at the sight of new clothes, or of "finery. 
They are ' abstemious at table,' and taste of 
" the bitters" of this world on principle. What 
can be more edifying, Jack ? It is as good as 
a sermon, is it not ? Then, when they stand 
on t'other tack, it is as good as a play. Hullo ! 
what's this ? "0 dear, I beg your pardon, sir, 
I do indeed, but when it comes on so sudden, 
it blinds me so I can't see ; I am so sorry I 
mistook your hat for the basin." " Don't 



48 THE LETTER BAG. 

mention it, madam ; but, O Lord, my stool 
is loose behind;" and away they both roll 
together into the lee scuppers, and are washed 
first forward and then aft. " Hope you are not 
hurt, madam, but I could not hold on behind, 
it came so sudden ; we shipped a sea." " I hope 
I shall never see a ship again. It's a wonder 
she did not go down that time, for she was 
pooped." " O, sir, did you ever ! Do call the 
steward, please, do take me below; I shall 
never survive this, I am wet through. If ever 
I reach land, nobody will catch me afloat 
again. I am so ashamed, I shall die. I hope 

I didn't " " Certainly not, madam, 

the long cloak prevented anything of that 
kind." " Well, I am so glad of that, pray 
take me down while I can go, for I have 
swallowed so much of that horrid salt water." 
Pretty dialogue that, is it not? O, my dear 
fellow, you may go round the world in a king's 
ship (queen's ship, I mean, God bless her, and 
raise up a host of enemies to her, that we may 
lick them, and get our promotion,) you may 
go round it, but you never go into it. If you 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 49 

want to see life, take a trip in an Atlantic 
sf earn -packet ; that's the place where people 
' show up' what they are. But stop, just look 
at that poor wretch near the wheel, how white 
he looks about the gills, sitting wrapped up in 
his cloak, like patience at a monument wait- 
ing for his turn to turn in next, and not 
caring how soon it comes either. He is too 
ill to talk, and hates to be spoken to, and for 
that very reason I will address him. " How do 
you find yourself now, sir? I hope you are bet- 
ter." He dreads to open his mouth, for fear 
he should give vent to more than he wishes. 
He shakes his head only. " Can I give you 
anything ?" Another shake is the only reply. 
" A little sago ?" He is in despair, and gives 
two shakes. " A little arrowroot with brandy 
in it — it is very good?" He is angry; he has 
lost his caution, and attempts to answer, — but 
suddenly placing both hands to his mouth, 
runs to the tarn-ail ; poor fellow ! he is very ill, 
very ill indeed. He returns and takes his 
seat, and his head falls on his bosom, but he 
must be rough-ridden before he will be well 



50 THE LETTER BAG 

trained, so here is at him again. " Pray let me 
send you a little soup with cayenne ?" He 
gives half a dozen angry shakes of the head. 
" But the only thing to be relied upon is a slice 
of fat pork fried with garlick, it is a specific." 
He makes a horrible mouth, as if the very 
idea would kill him ; shuts his eyes close, as 
if it would prevent his hearing, and folding 
his cloak over his head, turns round and lies 
down on the deck in despair. The officer of 
the watch and I exchange winks, and I pass 
on to the saloon for a glass of — (what the navy 
has gone to the devil without, since it has be- 
come too fashionable to use it as Nelson did,) 
for a glass of grog." 

But oh my eyes, look here, Jack — bear a 
hand — this way, my boy, down the companion- 
way with you as quick as you can, and look at 
that poor devil pinned to the state room door, 
with a fork through the palm of his hand, 
which the steward stuck there in a lee lurch. 
Hear him how he swears and roars ! and see 
the steward standing looking at him, and 
hoping he hasn't hurt him, as if it could do 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 51 

anything else but hurt him. See what faces 
he makes, as if he was grinning' through a 
horse-collar at Sadler's Wells. What a sub- 
ject for Cruikshank! I must not suffer him 
to be released till I sketch him. Where the 
devil is my pencil? — a guinea for a pencil. 0, 
here it is, and the paper too. I must have 
this living caricature. Stop, steward, don't 
touch that fork for your life — call the doctor — 
perhaps you have struck an artery — (I have 
him) — the blood might flow too freely — (I wish 
he would hold still)— or you might wound a 
nerve— (he twists about so there is no sketch- 
ing him) — in which case lockjaw might per- 
haps ensue — (how he roars, there is no catch- 
ing that mouth) — rusty iron is very dangerous 
to wounds — (I have him now by Jove) — espe- 
cially to wounds in the hands and feet — (that 
will do now, let us see what he will do). 
" Steward, why don't you ' fork out,' you rascal ? 
' draw,' you scoundrel, or I'll murder you." 
" That ' fork' has spoiled the ' carving' of the 
door." " ' Palmy' times these." " That ' tine is 
not tiny,' sir." " It is a ' great bore' to be bored 
d 2 



52 THE LETTER BAG 

through the hand in that ' unhandsome' man- 
ner." " I beg pardon, sir," says the steward, 
" it was not my fault, but this ship is so ' un- 
handy,' it is indeed, sir." " Excuse me, my 
good fellow, I say (for I cannot lose the opportu- 
nity,) excuse me, but you have put a stopper 
on your whist playing." " How so, sir ?" 
" Your adversary can see into your hand." — 
" Humph ! don't thank you for your joke." 
" It would be a devilish good joke if you did." 
So now, Jack, you see what a ' trip of pleasure' 
means among these land lubbers, and that is 
better than ' pinning' your faith ' to my sleeve,' 
as the steward did to that sea-calf of a pas- 
senger's. But here comes a great vulgar con- 
ceited ass of a cockney, who thinks we are 
bound to talk of nothing during the voyage 
but steam and machinery, two subjects which 
I detest above all others, they are so technical, 
so shoppy, so snobbish. Hear him. " Pray, 
Mr. Piston, (who the devil told him my name 
was Piston, it's one I hate, it sounds so Brum- 
magem like, and I hate a fellow that uses it 
unceremoniously,) — pray, sir, do you know the 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 53 

principle of this boat ?" " I have that honour, 
sir, he is Captain Claxton of Bristol." 

" No, no ! I beg pardon, not who, but what 
is the principle?" 

" Oh ! exactly, now I take. The principal, 
sir, is 80,000 pounds, and it pays nine per cent, 
interest." See how he flushes, his choler is 
rising, he is establishing a row ; if he gets 
through this examination, he will eschew me 
for the future as he would the devil. Take my 
word for it, he will never put me into the wit- 
ness box again. " You don't comprehend 
me, sir, I merely wish to ask you if it were on 
the high or the low principle." 

" On the high, decidedly, sir, for they charge 
431. 10s. for a passage, which is high, very high 
indeed. The object, sir, is to exclude low peo- 
ple, although it does not effectually answer 
even that purpose," — and I give him a signifi- 
cant look. "You observe they take no steerage 
passengers, though it might perhaps be an im- 
provement if they did," — another significant 
look, which the insignificant lubber appears to 
take. Odi profanum vulgus et arceo — (I like that 



54 THE LETTER BAG 

last word, it is so expressive of the cold shoulder) 
— is the very proper motto of the very exclusive 
board of directors at Bristol. " I am sorry I 
have not been so fortunate as to render myself 
intelligible," says my scientific friend; his ire 
visibly getting the steam up, I desired to know 
if it were on the high pressure or low pressure 
principle. " Oh that is quite another thing, sir. 
I conceive it is on the low pressure, for the 
lower a thing is pressed the greater the com- 
pression — do you take ? — the greater the power. 
For instance, there is the screw invented by 
Hyder Aulic or Hyder Ally, I forget which, 

is " He bites his lip, his eyes dilate, but it 

won't do — it's no go. " I am afraid I am trouble- 
some," he says with some confusion. We bow 
and touch our hats with much formality, and 
part, I hope, to meet no more. Poor fun this, 
after all ; gray-hairs ought to be respected, par- 
ticularly when supported by a large stomach. 
Seniores pri-ores, or the old hands to the bow- 
oars, but still they should mind their stops, and 
not be putting in their oars on all occa- 
sions. Nemo omnibus horis sapit, it is not 
every one with hoary hairs that is wise. How 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 55 

I should like to make love, if it was only 
for the fun of the thing, just to keep one's hand 
in ; hut alas ! all the young girls are sick — devil- 
ish sick, and I trust I need not tell you that a 
love-sick girl is one thing, and a sea-sick girl 
another. I like to have my love returned, but 
not my dinner. Balmy sighs and sour ones, 
heaving bosoms and heaving stomachs, are not 
compatible, dear Jack, say what you will, and 
love will fly out of the window when — but in 
mercy to the dear creatures whom I really do 
love, I will drop the subject, or rather throw it 
up at once. Now I will take a rise out of that 
cross old spinster on the camp-stool. I hate 
an old maid, and never lose an opportunity of 
showing them up. It may be savage, I admit, 
but man is an animal, bipes implumis risihilis, 
as Aldrich has it. What a definition of a man. 
' implumis] and yet I have seen fellows, with 
' feathers ' in their caps too, and hope to have 
one in mine before I die, but still I must have 
my lark, let who will pay the piper. " Here, 
boy, run forward, and tell that young scape- 
grace George, that if he does not do what I 
ordered him, he may look ' out for squalls.' " 



56 THE LETTER BAG 

" Oh dear, Mr. Piston," says the lady, pricking 
up her ears like a cat a-listening, " do you 
really think there is any danger of ' squalls ? ' " 
"Oh, very, very much so indeed, madam; but 
don't be alarmed, there is no danger, if — no, no, 
there is no danger, none at all, if" — " If what, 
sir, do pray tell me." 

" Why, no danger, madam, if there aint a 
blow-up ; but pray, don't be frightened, it can't 
reach you." 

" Reach me, sir ! why, it will reach us all. 
A blow-up — oh how shocking ! Do be so good, 
sir, as to sit down and tell me. How is it, 
sir?" 

" Don't be alarmed, madam, I am sorry you 
overheard me ; there is no danger, not the least 
in the world, nothing but a little blow-up, it 
will be over in a minute." 

" Over in a minute, sir, but where shall we 
all be ? we shall all be over in a minute too, 
all overboard." 

" I assure you, madam, there is no danger ; 
do be composed, they are very common." 

" I know it, sir, they are always blowing-up, 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. Oi 

are steam-boats ; three hundred lives lost on 
the Mississippi the other day." 

•' Three hundred and eighty," said I. 

" Yes, three hundred and eighty," said she; 
" and every day almost they are blowing-up ; 
there was the Santa Anna, and the Martha, 
and the Three Sisters, and the Two Brothers, 
and I don't know how many more, blown-up." 

" Steam-boats, madam ? " 

" Yes, steam-boats, sir ; they are very dan- 
gerous ; never again will I put my foot on 
board of one of them. Oh dear, I wish I was 
out of this horrid steamer." 

" But I said nothing of steam-boats, ma- 
dam." 

" Do you call blowing-up nothing, sir ; scald- 
ing to death nothing, sir ; drowning nothing, 
sir ; being sent out of the world in that awful 
manner nothing, sir?" 

" But, madam, pray dont be excited, I wasn't 
talking of steamers at all." 

" Then what were you talking of, sir ? Oh 
dear, I am so frightened, so dreadfully frighten- 
ed, I feel so shockingly nervous, I am all over 
d 5 



58 THE LETTER BAG 

of a tremor : what were you talking of then, 
sir?" 

" I was merely saying, madam, that if boy 
George did not clean my boots, he might look 
out for ' squalls,' for I would give him a blowing- 
up, which means — " 

" Yes, yes, sir, I know what it means ," and 
then drawing herself up as stately as a queen, 
" I'll not trouble you any further, sir." 

" Not the least trouble in the world, ma- 
dam," said I, rising and smiling; " not the least 
trouble in the world, madam — gather a pleasure, 
I assure you." 

Yes, my dear fellow, if you want to see the 
world, take a trip in the Great Western, or 
some of those whacking large Atlantic 
steamers, and you will see more fun, and 
more of human nature, in a week than you 
will see in the ' Inconstant' in a twelvemonth ; 
but whether you follow this advice or not, re- 
collect that fair weather or foul weather, by 
land or by sea, by day or by night, you have a 
fast friend in old 

" Tom Piston." 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 59 



No. V. 

letter from john skinner, butcher, to 
mary hide. 

Dear Mary, 

You wouldn't believe me when I told you I 
was off in the Great Western to see a little of 
the other side of the world ; but it's true, for 
all that, — like many a more unlikelier thing 
has come afore now, and here I am, half seas 
over, as the teetotallers call something else, 
and may be a little more. I likes it very much 
indeed, all but being wet all the time ; but it's 
the nature of the sea to be wet, and, for a new 
recruit, I stands it nobly, only I can't keep my 
feet, for I've been floored oftener than any 



60 THE LETTER BAG 

man in the ship. My heels has a great incli- 
nation to rise in the world, showing what the 
sole of a butcher is, and I shall soon walk as 
well on my head as my feet. It is lucky you 
aint here, dear Mary : this sort of work wouldn't 
suit you ; you was always so giddy-headed. 

The sailors undertook to pass their jokes 
upon me when I first came on board, calling 
me Old Skinner, and Butcher, and you with 
the smockfrock and breeches, and so on. It's a 
way they have with landsmen ; but it isn't 
every landsman that's green, for all that. They 
are a set of lubberly, unmannerly rascals as 
ever I see. Whenever I asked one of them 
to help me, he said, ' : It's my turn below ;" or, 
" It's my turn on deck ;" and, " Who was your 
lackey last year ?" or, " Does your mother know 
you're out?" To-day, when I fell on the 
broad of my back, they began running their 
rig as usual, saying, " Pull down your smock- 
frock, John Skinner, or you'll show your legs ;" 
" Come to me, and I'll help you up ;" and, " How 
does it feel, butcher 1 " " Try it," says I, " and 
you'll know;" and I knocked two of them 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 61 

down like bullocks. It made them very civil 
afterwards — calling me sir, and Mr. Skinner. 
It improved their manners vastly. The stew- 
ard and me is great friends, and I get my grog- 
in his room. AVhen I takes down the milk, I 
gets a glass of brandy ; and when I puts my 
hand on his side, to steady me while I drink it, 
and feel five inches of good clear fat on his 
ribs, it makes me feel wicked, to think if I 
had the dressing of him, how beautiful he 
would cut up. My fingers get on the handle 
of my knife inwolluntary like, as if they would 
long to be into him. He is stall-fed, like a 
prize ox ; his fat is quite wonderful, which is 
more than I can say of our stock. One of my 
cows has gone dry, which comes of her being- 
wet all the time, and not having room to lie 
down in. The salt-water has made corn-beef 
of her already. She is of the pole-breed, and 
the crossest, contrariest beast I ever see. She 
have rubbed off her tail at last, a rubbin so the 
whole time. The other cow is a nice little 
bullock, but she had a calf a little too early, so 
she had ; her mouth is as young as a babby's, 



62 THE LETTER BAG 

though in another year she will be a good 
beast enough. The poultry, poor things, is 
very sickly, and would all die if I didn't kill 
the weakliest for the cabin to save their lives, 
and so is the pigs ; so much swimming don't 
agree with them ; and when they stagger, and 
won't eat, I serve them the same way ; for it 
stands to reason they can't thrive when they 
gives over eating that way. We travels day 
and night here all at the same pace up hill and 
down dale ; and this I will say, the Cornwall 
hills are fools to some of the seas we sees from 
the ship ; but it's here goes, who's afraid ? — 
and down we dashes as hard as we can lay legs 
to it. They carries the light on the top in- 
stead of each side of the box as we do ashore, 
which makes passing other lines in the night 
very awkward, for there is no hedge to mark 
the road, and show you the distance of the 
drains, but it's like Saulsberry plain in a snow- 
storm, all white as far as you can see, and no 
mile-stones or lamp-posts, and you can't rein 
up short, for it takes some time to put the 
drags on the wheels to bring her to a stand- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 63 

still. How they finds their way in the dark is 
a puzzle to me ; but I suppose they have tra- 
velled it so often, they have got it by heart 
like. I often think if the lynch-pin was to 
cum out, and they to lose a wheel, or the two 
to cum off, or the axletree break, what a pretty 
mess they'd be in ; and yet, arter all, as for 
speed, big as she is, I'd trot her for a treat 
with master's pony, and not be a bit afeared. 
But what under the sun could make the 
Bristol people call her a boat, for Fine positiv 
she is the biggest ship I ever see. They 
have to hang up two bells in her, one aft 
and one in the fore-part, for one aint enough 
to be heard all over her. The bow they call 
" far west," it is so far off, the starn " down 
east," and the centre, where them black 
negro-looking fellows the stokers live, " Africa." 
The engines is wonderful, that's sartain. They 
work like a baker needing do for bred, and 
the digs it gives is surprising. The boilers 
are big enough to scald at one dip all the pigs 
in an Irish steamer, and would be a fortune 
to a butcher. The fireplaces are large enough 



04 THE LETTER BAG 

to roast a whole hog at once ; and if there is a 
thing I love it's roast pork. The hard red 
crisp cronchy skin is beautiful, as much as to 
say, come stick it into me afore I am cold. 
It puts me in mind of your lips, dear Mary, 
both on 'em is so red, so plump, and so en- 
ticing, and both taken with a little sarce. Yes, 
I never see a pig I doesn't think of you, 
its cheeks so round and fat like yourn. The 
rib too means a wife everywhere, but I wont 
say no more for fear I should have gotten the 
wrong sow by the ear. We have a great 
deal of company on board, consisting of two 
hundred men and women, two cows, ten pigs, 
besides fowls and Mulatto girls. One of these 
young women isn't a bad looking heifer 
neither, she is constantly casting sheep's-eyes 
at me, but I ain't such a calf as she takes 
me to be, so don't be jealous, Mary. She 
thinks I don't know she has a touch of the 
tar brush, so says she, " Mr. Skinner, the 
water is very bad, ain't it?" "Very," says 
I, " it's keeping it in them nasty iron tanks, 
that makes it look so black and taste so 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 05 

foul."' " Exacaly, sir," says she, "the water 
has got so much iron in it, I dreadful afraid of 
lightening, it will make me so attractive." 
"You don't need that," says I, "Miss, your 
hone attractions is so great of themselves." 
" Oh," says she, " Mr. Skinner, how you do 
flatter, but really, it do affect me dreadful, es- 
pecially my memory, which is quite rusty, 
and then it colors my skin, and spoils my com- 
plexion. It comes thro' the pores, and iron 
moulds my very linnen, it do indeed." Wasn't 
that capital, Mary 1 a Mulatto wench swear- 
ing it was the iron made her face copper- 
colored ! Let the women alone for tricks, there's 
few can match them in that line. How civil 
she is with " Mr. Skinner, will you have a 
piece of pie 1" or " Mr. Skinner, here's an 
orange ;" or " Mr. Skinner, lend me an arm, 
sir, please." But soft words butter no par- 
snips ; it won't do, it's no go that. I'll lend 
her an arm, or anything else to oblige her, 
out of civility, but as for my heart, that's for 
you, dear Mary ; and though I say it, that 
shouldn't say it, there ain't a stouter nor a 



66 THE LETTER BAG 

truer one in all Glouchestershire, as you will 
find some o' these days. My ambition is to 
be able to set up my own man, in my own 
shop, afore I die, with prime beef and mut- 
ton in it, and you with your white apron on 
the prettiest piece of meat of them all, and to 
hear folks say as they pass, " Damn that 
fellow Skinner, he has the prettiest wife and 
the best mutton in all Bristol." That's what 
I am at, and no mistake. I would not like 
to folly butchering all my life in a ship, for it's 
too unsteady. Me and the half-dressed sheep 
sometimes both comes down together by the 
run, all of a smash, and tumbling about with 
a knife in your hand or atween your teeth, is 
not safe for your own hide or other people's. 
No longer agone than yesterday I cut across 
the canvass trousers of a sailor, and one inch 
more would a fixed him for life. Besides 
capsising the bucket, which will happen some- 
times, makes a great fuss among the sailors, 
who have to scrub all up clean with a great 
big stone they call holy stone, 'cause they 
swears over it so. After all, life in a steamer 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 67 

ain't so pleasant as life in Bristol, especially 
when work is done, seeing friends at the ale- 
house, or walking of a Sunday over to Clifton 
with somebody as shall be nameless. One 
question more and I'me done ; who courts, 
standing with their heads over it, at the style, 
one on one side of it, and t'other on the other ? 
Well it arnte the donkeys, tho' they comes 
there sometimes, and it tante our cow, and 
squire Maze's old blind bull, tho' they do 
come there to rub noses across the bars some- 
times too, but it's a pretty gurl what wears a 
bonnet with blue ribbons that do come to see 
a well-built young Butcher in Bristol, and 
mind what I telly, the next time he comes 
there, him and Blue Ribbons is both on one 
side of the style, in less time than wink ; mind 
that, for I'm not joking no more than a par- 
son. Hopping that it may cum soon, and that 
you will be as true as I be, 

I remain till death, 
Your Loveing friend, 

John Skinner. 



08 THE LETTER BAG 



No. VI. 

letter from one of the society of friends 
to her kinswoman. 

Esteemed Friend, 
Thee will be pleased to hear that we are now 
in sight of America, to which country the Lord 
has graciously vouchsafed to guide us in safety 
thro' many perils, giving us permission at times 
to see the light of the sun by day, and sometimes 
the stars by night, that we may steer our 
lonely way thro' the dreary waste and solitary 
expanse of the pathless ocean. Of a truth 
he faithfully and beautifully expressed the pro- 
per feeling of a Christian who said, " Though 
I walk through the valley of the shadow of 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 60 

death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with 
me ; thy rod and thy staff comfort me." 

And now, esteemed and kind friend, my 
heart yearneth towards thee, and my first 
thought on approaching this strange land, 
as my last on leaving that of my forefathers, 
resteth on thee, my early companion, my good 
counsellor, my well-beloved sister. How 
often in the stillness of the night, when alone 
in my bed, has thy image been called up be- 
fore me, by the fond recollections of the past ! 
How often have I longed for thee amid the 
raging of the tempest, that my heart, tho' 
resigned to meet whatever might betide it, 
might catch the power of adding hope to for- 
titude, from the cheerful aspect of thy coun- 
tenance. And how often amid the vain and 
frivolous scenes that I have daily mingled in 
on board of this ship, have I wished for thy 
conversation, thy companionship, and support. 
Strange sensations have affected me by such 
associations as I have had here. A maiden 
and her brother from London are fellow-pas- 
sengers. She is very affable and kind, very 



70 THE LETTER BAG 

condescending in her manners, humble- 
minded, though of high birth, and of a great 
talent for conversation. She is beloved by all, 
and has won kind regards from everybody. 
Her attire is what is called in the gay world 
fashionable. It is composed of the most beau- 
tiful fabrics, and though rich has much simpli- 
city. I sometimes ask myself, why do I call 
this vain or idle? If Providence decks the 
birds of the air with variegated and brilliant 
plumage, and endows the flowers of the field 
with splendid colours ; if the rose boasts its 
delicate tints, the shrubs their fragrant blos- 
soms, and the vine its tendrils and its wreaths, 
can these things be vain ? " The lilies toil not, 
neither do they spin, and yet Solomon in all 
his glory was not arrayed like one of these." 
If we, who have dominion over them, are 
not ourselves clothed by nature, was it not an 
intimation that our toilet was left to ourselves, 
that it might suit the seasons and our tastes, 
that it might be renewed when old, and please 
the eye and do justice to the symmetry and 
beauty of our forms? When I look at this 






OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 71 

lovely maiden, and see her in this vain attire, 
and observe that she is not rendered vain 
thereby herself, forgive me, Martha, but I 
cannot help admitting the question does arise 
to my mind, " can this be sinful ?" Does it 
not afford employment to the poor ? profit to 
the mechanic and manufacturer, and diffuse 
wealth that avarice might otherwise hoard ? 
To-day she came into my cabin, and asked 
me to walk the deck with her, and as I sought 
my bonnet, said " Nay, dear, suffer me to see 
how you would look in mine, my pretty 
friend ;" and then stood off, and lifted up both 
hands, and exclaimed, " How beautiful ! how 
well it becomes that innocent face ! Do look 
at your sweet self in the glass, my love ; how 
handsome, is it not ? Nay, blush not : be 
candid now, and say whether it is not more 
becoming than that little pasteboard quaker- 
bonnet of thine. Such a face as yours is too 
lovely to be immured in that unpretending- 
piece of plainness, as you yourself would be to 
be imprisoned in a nunnery. 



72 THE LETTER BAG 

" Full many a face, with brightest eye serene, 
Those plain unfashionable bonnets bear, 
Full many a rose they doom to blush unseen, 
And waste its sweetness 'mong the ringlets there." 

" Nay" said I, "dear lady, now thee convincest 
me that the friends very properly forbid the 
use of those vain and idle decorations, for thee 
makest me vain. Thee has summoned up 
more pride in my heart in those few brief 
minutes, than I knew before to have existed 
within me. Pray take it back, ere I am 
spoiled by thy praise or thy worldly attire." 
" You would soon learn not to be vain of them 
when you had been used to them — am I vain ?" 
" No indeed," said I, " by no means ; thee is not 
vain, but far, very far from it ;" and I could 
not help thinking, neither should I be vain, 
if like her I wore them daily. Do not be 
alarmed, Martha, thee must not think I am 
going to adopt the dress of these people, I 
have no such thoughts, but methinks we 
place more importance upon this subject than 
it deserves ; but perhaps my understanding 
is too weak to penetrate the reasons wisdom 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 73 

assigns for their exclusion. Her brother is a 
captain in the army, very tall, very polite, and 
very handsome. His eyes are uncommonly 
intelligent, and so bright, I cannot look at 
them when he speaks to me, for they seem 
to see through mine into my heart, and read 
all that is there. There is nothing there, thee 
knowest, but what he or any one else might 
read, except that I do not want him to know, 
what I should be ashamed to tell him, that 
I think him so handsome, so very handsome. 
He swears sometimes, which is such a pity. 
I heard him say yesterday to another officer 
that is on board, " How lovely that quaker girl 
is ! by G — she is the sweetest girl I ever 
saw ! she is a perfect beauty — what eyes, what a 
bust, what feet !" and then he swore an oath 
I must not repeat, she was an angel. How 
shocking to be spoken of in such language 
of profane praise, by a man whose business 
is war, and who is familiar with swords and 
guns, and weapons of destruction ! 

That oath made me shudder, especially as 
I was the innocent cause of it ; and yet he is 



74 THE LETTER BAG 

so gentle, his manner so kind, and his conver- 
sation so intelligent, that I am sure he is not 
aware of this habit, which he has caught, with- 
out knowing it, from others. He does not agree 
with his sister about dress. He told me he 
thought there was great elegance in the sim- 
plicity of the quaker dress, that there was a 
modest beauty in it particularly becoming- 
young maidens ; that he considered the way 
fashionable ladies dressed was disgusting, and 
that the muslin that half concealed, half re- 
vealed our charms was uncommonly attrac- 
tive. I do not know how it is, I fear this 
man of war — I abhor his swearing, and never 
could love him, no — never ; and yet I do like 
to hear him talk to me, his voice is so musi- 
cal, and his discourse so modest and suitable 
for female ear. He has seen much of foreign 
parts, and has helped me to pass many a 
weary hour. His anecdotes are both amusing 
and instructive. How strange a contradic- 
tion is man ! He swears, because I heard 
him swear about me ; and yet there is an air of 
piety that pervades his discourse, that is very 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. /.) 

pleasing. If thee had heard the terms of 
just indignation with which he related the 
polygamy of the Turks, and how they ought 
to be hung that had so many wives, thee could 
not believe it was the same person who used 
profane oaths. I think if he was one of the 
Friends, instead of a captain of the queen's 
hosts, I should fear to be so much with 
him, lest my affections might outstrip his. 

Of the other passengers I cannot say 
much. They play at cards, and throw the 
dice, and for money too — and drink a great 
deal, and talk very loud. It is a discordant 
scene, and very noisy, for there are people of 
all nations here. Their prejudices and pre- 
dilections are amusing : the French cannot 
eat sea-biscuit, they are so used to soup ; the 
Jews will not touch pork ; the teetotals abjure 
wines and strong drink ; the Catholics every 
now and then refuse meat, and eat only fish ; 
the English abhor molasses, and the Yankees 
abuse French wines; the foreigners detest 
rum, and tobacco is a constant source of dis- 
cussion : yet, amid all this, there is no quar- 
e 2 



/D THE LETTER BAG 

relling. I have not been sea-sick myself at 
all, though the captain was for two days ; and 
it was fortunate for him his sister was on 
board to minister to his wants. He is very 
courageous. During the dreadful gale we 
had, he asked me to go on deck and see how 
beautiful the ocean looked in such a tempest, 
and he supported me with his arm in the 
kindest manner. As we passed the cabin of 
the missionary passenger on deck, we heard 
music, and stopped to listen. It was a hymn 
that he and several persons joined in singing. 
As it rose and fell on the blast, its melancholy 
tones of supplication had a striking effect, and 
touched the heart with sadness. What a fitting 
time this would have been to have ap- 
pealed to him against the irreverent use of His 
name who was walking abroad on the waters ; 
but my heart failed me — for just as I looked 
at him to speak, I encountered those eyes, 
those beautiful speaking, searching eyes, that 
so unaccountably compel me to withdraw 
mine, and cause me a kind of confusion. Per- 
haps such another opportunity may not occur 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN". 1 / 

again. I feel interested in him on account 
of his lovely sister, who is all gentleness and 
goodness ; and although I abhor war, and 
fear warriors, and shall never forget his pro- 
faneness in calling an humble maiden like 
me an angel, yet it is the only fault he has, 
and it would be cruel to regard him with 
averted looks or frowns of indignation. 

Indeed, one cannot harbour such thoughts 
at sea. where the heart is impressed by its mys- 
tery, elevated by its sublimity, and awed by its 
power. Vast, restless, trackless, unfathomable, 
and inscrutable, what an emblem it is of the 
ubiquity and power of God ! How many ideas 
it suggests ; how it awakens the imagination ; 
how it subdues and softens the heart ; how 
vast are the treasures of this great storehouse 
of the world ! How many kind, generous, and 
faithful beings has the sea folded in its bosom ! 
and oh ! how many have gone down to its ca- 
verns, amidst the thunders of war, with the 
guilt of blood upon their hands, to realize 
what man, sinful man^ miscalls glory ! Of ves- 
sels wrecked, or burned, or foundered, the 



78 THE LETTER BAG 

number must have been fearfully great; and 
oh ! what aching hearts, agonizing shrieks, and 
lingering deaths has it witnessed ! I know not 
how it is, I cannot look abroad upon this world 
of waters without being strongly impressed 
with a melancholy feeling of interest in those 
untold tales — those hidden annals — those se- 
crets of the vasty deep. If the captain thought 
as I did, he would not lightly — but I forget, 
I only mention his name because there is really 
so little to write about, that is worth a thought 
in this great floating caravansary. When I 
arrive at New York, which I hope will be on 
the third morning of the second week of this 
month, I shall write thee again. 

Rebecca Fox. 

P.S. I hear the weather in Philadelphia is 
excessively hot, and that it is necessary to 
Avear thin clothing, to avoid the yellow fever. 
So thee will please to send me the finest and 
thinnest muslin thee can find for my neck ; and 
though I may not wear Leghorn or Palmetto, 
yet a gause bonnet would not be so heavy as 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 79 

mine, in this intense heat, nor intercept so 
painfully all air. Delicate lace gloves, me- 
thinks, would confer similar advantages. The 
captain has just inquired of me what route we 
take on our arrival, and says it is remarkable 
that he and his sister had fixed on the same 
tour, and leave New York by the same con- 
veyance we do. I had wished for her com- 
pany, and am much pleased to be favoured 
with it. 



80 THE LETTER BAG 



No. VII. 

letter from a new brunswicker to his 
friend at fredericton. 

My Dear Carlton, 
You will be surprised to hear that I am 
already on my return ; but my business having 
been all satisfactorily arranged, I had no incli- 
nation to remain any longer away, at a time 
when our commerce might possibly receive an 
interruption from the mad proceedings of our 
neighbours. I am delighted with England 
and the English, and feel proud that I parti- 
cipate in the rights and privileges of a British 
subject; but I must reserve what I have to 
say on this head until we meet, for if I begin 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 81 

on this agreeable theme, I shall never know 
when to leave off. I have been up the Ehine 
since I saw you, and notwithstanding that I am 
so familiar with, and so attached to, our own 
magnificent river, the St. John, I should have 
been enraptured with it, if I had never heard 
of it before ; but Byron has be-deviled it, as 
Scott has Loch Katrine. It is impossible to 
travel with pleasure or with patience after a 
poet. Their glasses magnify, and when you 
come to use your own eyes, you no longer re- 
cognise the scene for the same presented by 
their magic lantern. Disappointment con- 
stantly awaits you at every step. You become 
angry in consequence, and, instead of looking- 
for beauties, gratify your spleen by criticising 
for the pleasure of finding fault. Viewing it 
in this temper, the lower part of the Rhine is 
as flat and level as any democrat could wish, 
and the upper part as high, cold, and over- 
bearing as any autocrat could desire. Then 
the ancient ruins, the dilapidated castles, the 
picturesque and romantic towers of the olden 
time, what are they ? Thieves' nests, like those 
e5 



82 THE LETTER BAG 

of the hawk and vulture, built on inaccessible 
crags, and about as interesting. The vineyards, 
about which my imagination had run riot, the 
luxuriant, graceful, and beautiful vine, the rich 
festoons, what are they? and what do they 
resemble? Hop-grounds? I do injustice to 
the men of Kent ; they are not half so beau- 
tiful. Indian corn-fields of Virginia ? They 
are incomparably inferior to them. Oh ! I 
have it, currant bushes trained and tied to 
their stakes; poor, tame, and unpoetical. 
Then the stillness of death pervades all. It is 
one unceasing, never-ending flow of waters ; 
the same to-day, to-morrow, and for ever. 
The eternal river ! Here and there a solitary 
steamer labours and groans with its toil up 
this rapid stream ; occasionally a boat ad- 
ventures at the bidding of some impatient tra- 
veller to cross it ; but where is the life and ani- 
mation of our noble river, the busy hum of 
commerce, the varied, unceasing, restless 
groups of a hardy, active, and enterprising 
population? I know not, but certainly not on 
the water. Dilapidated towers frown on it, 



OF THE GREA1 WESTERN. 8-3 

dismantled halls open on it, the spectres of 
lying legends haunt it, and affrighted com- 
merce wings its way to more congenial streams. 
It made me melancholy ! May poetry and 
poets never damn our magnificent river with 
their flattering strains, as they have done this 
noble one to the inheritance of perpetual dis- 
appointment. Who ever sailed up the St. John 
without expressing his delight, at finding it so 
much more beautiful than he had anticipated ? 
and why ? because he had heard no exagge- 
rated account of it. Who ever ascended the 
Rhine without an undisguised impression of 
disappointment, if he dared to utter such trea- 
son against the romance of the world, or a 
secret feeling of vexation if he were afraid^ to 
commit himself — and why ? Because he had 
heard too much of it. And yet the St. John 
is not superior to the Rhine ; nay, as a whole, 
I question if it is quite equal to it ; but it gives 
more satisfaction, more pleasure, for the rea- 
son I have assigned. Scenery cannot be de- 
scribed. Whoever attempts it, either falls 
short of its merits, or exceeds them. Words 



84 THE LETTER BAG 

cannot convey a distinct idea of it, any more 
than they can of colour to the blind. Pictures 
might, if they were faithful ; but painters are 
false ; they either caricature or flatter. But 
the poet is the least to be trusted of all. He 
lives in an atmosphere of fiction, and when he 
attempts it, he has mountains, skies, woods, 
and cataracts at command, and whatever is ne- 
cessary to heighten its effect, is obedient to 
his call. He converts all into fairy land. 
Now don't mistake me, old boy ; I am neither 
undervaluing the Rhine nor the poets. But 
that river needs no poet. Good wine requires 
no bush. Whether we shall ever have a poet, 
I know not. Shipbuilding, lumbering, stock- 
jobbing, and note-shaving, are not apt-to kindle 
inspiration ; but if we shall ever be so fortu- 
nate, I most fervently hope he will spare the 
river — yes, par excellence — The River. . . . 
As I shall not be able to proceed immediately 
to New Brunswick, I avail myself of this op- 
portunity to give you the latest intelligence 
respecting the disputed territory, which en- 
grosses but little attention (I am sorry to say) 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 85 

just now, on the other side of the water. It 
has given rise, however, to much fun, the sub- 
stance of which is this. They say that Go- 
vernor Fairfield has passed all bounds, and 
that a Fairfield and a right have a natural con- 
nexion. Little interest is taken in London in 
the matter. Few Englishmen know the diffe- 
rence between Madagascar and Madawaska 
and our agent says the British minister some- 
times calls it one, and sometimes the other. 
They don't know whether Maine means the 
mainland in distinction from an island, or 
whether the main question in distinction from 
minor questions. Stephenson told them it was 
a quiz, and that Van Buren had his main as 
well as O'Connell had his tail ; both of them 
being lions and queer devils, and both of them 
great hands at roaring. They certainly are 
odd fish at Fish river, and, like mackerel, jump 
like fools at red cloth. They talked big, and 
looked big at the big lake ; but that was from 
making too free with biggons of liquor. It 
was natural they should think at last they 
were " big-uns" themselves. It is no wonder 



86 THE LETTER BAG 

they had such a difficulty in raising men 
when they were all officers, and that there was 
no subordination when they were all in com- 
mand. Hiring substitutes is a poor way of 
a-proxi-mating to an army, and marching in 
the month of March is no fun when the snow 
is up to the middle. " A friend in need is a 
friend indeed," but not when he is in-kneed in 
snow. Such marching must cost them many a 
" bummy dear," while wading through creeks 
in winter is apt to give a crick in the neck ; 
and camping out on the ice to terminate in 
a severe camp-pain. Indeed, the patriots of 
Maine must have been joking when they said 
they intended to run a line, for everybody 
knew they couldn't stand to it. If they were 
in earnest, all I can say is, that it is the first 
time a legislature ever seriously proposed to 
run their country. Too many of them, it is 
to be feared, are used to it, for not a few of 
them have cut and run thither from the British 
provinces. Playing at soldiers is as losing an 
affair as playing at cards, especially when you 
have nothing higher than knaves to play with, 
and the honours are against you. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 87 

Tli ere has been great laughter at the spoil ; 
the timber-dealers seizing a cargo of deal, and 
a hundred logs a deal too large to carry. It 
was in their line. It was characteristic. It 
has been called the odd trick of the Deal. The 
General putting a bomb across the Aroustic 
river has proved how shallow he was. He has 
been compared to that long-legged gentleman, 
the bittern " booming from his sedgy shallow." 
It was " cutting his stick" with a vengeance, 
it was not marching, but " stirring his stumps." 
It was " king Log" driving his ox-team, like 
Coriolanus, at the head of the main body of 
the troops of the state of Maine, and whistling 
as he went, " Go where glory waits thee." 
Marching with fifty pounds of pork on their 
backs was certainly going the whole hog, and 
a ration-al way of establishing a provision-al 
government-a-Madawaska. It is said, the 
troops cut their way, not through the enemy 
with swords, but through the woods, like true 
Yankees, by " axeing." They first run and cut, 
and then cut and run. They kept up a brisk 
fire day and night, not on the borderers, but 



OO THE LETTER BAG 

on the ice on the border ; and would have had 
a field-day, no doubt, if there had been a field 
within fifty miles of them to have had it in ; 
but alas ! the only thing worth a dam that they 
saw was a saw-mill. To read the General's 
speeches, you would have supposed he was 
boiling- with rage at the Brunswickers, whereas 
he was only thinking of boiling maple sugar 
by battalions. He was making a spec, licking 
sugar-candy, and not licking the enemy. Gal- 
lant man he was, but too fond of the " lasses." 
What right has this patriot to complain of his 
shooting-pains, who wouldn't be at the pains 
to shoot ? In place of raising 800,000 men, as 
he boasted, he raised 800,000 dollars. Sume 
animos, nee te vesano trade dolor-i. 

Instead of charging the British and break- 
ing their ranks, it is whispered they made a 
dreadful charge against the state, and broke 
the banks. Fie upon them ! is this the way 
they serve their country ? But marching on the 
ice is slippery work, and a little backsliding is 
to be expected even among patriots and heroes. 
Talking of patriots puts me in mind of Canada, 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 89 

which I hear has sent delegates (or delicates, 
as they are more appropriately called in the 
fashionable world) to England to raise them- 
selves by lowering others, as an empty bucket 
does a full one in a well. Their bucket, how- 
ever, proved to be a leaky one, for, by the 
time they got home, it was found to contain 
nothing. It reminded me of the Irishman's 
empty barrel, full of feathers. The story of 
the mails was one grievance, but they found, 
on their arrival, the postage had been reduced 
one half without asking, and fifty-five thousand 
a year granted, to convey their " elegant epis- 
tles," by steamers via Halifax. " I give thee 
all, I can no more." Alas for these knights 
errant ! what has become of their coats of 
" mail ?" I suppose they will next ask to be 
paid for letting the mails travel through the 
country, for the more people bother govern- 
ment, the better they are liked, and the more 
they get ; like crying, scolding children, who 
worry those they can't persuade. This is 
reversing the order of things, not teaching the 
young idea how to shoot, but teaching the old 



90 THE LETTER BAG 

one how to make ready and present. A 
' Taught' government, however, is a good one, 
for it encourages no " slack," but ' recede' 
and ' concede' is the order of the day now, 
" Cedendo victor abibis." Loosening the 
foundations is a new way of giving stability 
to a government, while reform means destroy- 
ing all form, and creating that happy state 
that is ' without form and void.' 

Responsible government in a colony means 
the people being responsible to themselves, 
and not to England ; dutiful children who 
owe obedience, but, unable or unwilling to pay 
it, want to take the benefit of the act, and 
swear out. A majority without property, who 
want to play at impeachments with their 
political opponents, and Lynch them. It is a 
repeal of the Union, and justice to Canada 
requires it. It is a government resjjonsible to 
demagogues, who are irresponsible. What a 
happy condition to live in ! Ah, my good 
friend, you and I, who have disported in 
the vasty sea of the great world amidst the 
monsters of the briny deep, know how to 






OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 91 

laugh at the gambols of these little tadpoles 
of a fresh-water puddle. I abhor ultras of all 
parties. Dum vitant stulti vitia in contraria 
currant. Good specimens, if they could be 
procured, of full-grown whole-hog Tories and 
Radicals from that distant but turbulent co- 
lony would be a valuable addition to the 
British Museum, in its natural history de- 
partment. I Avill describe them, that you may 
make no mistake in the selection. A colonial 
super-ultra-high-Tory, is of the genus block- 
head, species ape. It is psilodactilus or long- 
fingered, and the largest animal of the kind 
yet known. It has great powers of imitation, 
a strong voice, and the most extravagant 
conceit. It is a timid creature, slow in its 
movements, and somewhat inactive, and lives 
in perpetual alarm of ambush. It cannot see 
distinctly by day, and its eyes resemble those 
of an owl. It has two cutting teeth in front 
of each jaw. The ears are large, round, and 
naked, and the coat is soft, silky, and rich. 
Its proportions are not good, and its sagacity 



92 THE LETTER BAG 

greatly inferior to the European species. It 
is voracious, and very savage when feeding. . . 
The ultra-low radical is of the species Vari, its 
colours consisting of a patched distribution of 
black, dirty white, and gray, though its real 
or natural colour is supposed to be black. It 
is known to be of a fierce, and almost untame- 
able nature. It moves in large droves, when 
it is very mischievous, exerting a voice so loud 
and powerful as to strike astonishment and 
terror into all those who hear it, resembling in 
this respect, as well as its habits, the radical 
and chartist of England. It is impatient of 
control, but exhibits a sullen submission 
under firm treatment ; though, upon the 
slightest indulgence, or relaxation of disci- 
pline, it turns on its keeper with great fury. 
Its habits are predatory, its appetites unclean 
and ravenous, and its general appearance dis- 
gusting. You may find some of each in New 
Brunswick, though perhaps not so full grown 
as in that land of pseudo-patriots and sympa- 
thizers, Canada. Pray send a good specimen 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 93 

of both varieties to the trustees, for people in 
England ridicule the idea that there is room 
or suitable food for either in British America, 
the climate and soil of which, they maintain, is 
not congenial to them. Alas for poor human 
nature ! man is the same on both sides of the 
Atlantic. Paradise was not good enough for 
some people, but they were served just as they 
ought to have been — they were walked out of 
it. . . . The lumber duties will not be altered 
this year, and we shall obtain that respite 
from the fears of the speculative writers of the 
present day, that their sense of justice or 
knowledge of business would fail to obtain 
for us. Afraid to refuse, yet unwilling to 
give, they get credit neither for their firmness 
nor their liberality. The unsteady conduct of 
these fellows reminds me of a horse that is not 
way wise. When he gets snubbed in one 
gutter, he jumps over to the other, and is 
never in the straight road at all ; and when 
you give him the thong, he rears up, refuses 
to draw, and kicks the carriage to pieces, 
resolved that as he cannot take the load him- 



94 THE LETTER BAG 

self, no one else shall do it for him ; but more 
of this when we meet. In the mean time I 
have the pleasure to subscribe myself 
Yours truly, 

Oliver Quaco. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 



No. VIII. 

letter from an abolitionist to a member 
of parliament. 

My dear Sir, 
Having brought the emancipation of our 
sable-coloured brethren in the West Indies to 
a happy termination, I have resolved to under- 
take a peregrination into the United States 
for a similar purpose, animated to this philan- 
thropic work by a feeling of inextinguishable 
hatred of that remorseless, anti-christian, and 
damnable traffic in human life — the slave 
trade. Their day of liberty is just about to 
dawn in full splendour. When I observe our 
friend Cassius receive, at his levees and balls 



96 THE LETTER BAG 

in these islands, the coloured on an equal foot- 
ing with their white brethren, and his amiable 
partner walking arm in arm with the sable 
female, (probably the descendant of a long 
line of African princes,) to the amazement and 
consternation of the whites, and in defiance of 
the odours which must be admitted to emanate 
from them, not only by those who espouse 
them, but by those who espouse their cause ; 
I bless him, I congratulate the world, and, 
above all, I felicitate the nobility, that the 
partition wall has been broken down, that 
colour and odour make no distinction, and 
that, instead of a few black legs, (the utmost 
advance that has hitherto been made in the 
higher circles,) we shall see numerous black 
peers among the new creations. And who 
shall pronounce that they are not worthy of 
being the associates of at least some that are 
to be found there ? None, sir ; none will dare 
to insinuate it, but those who are themselves 
unworthy. Why should they spurn those to 
whom some of their number owe their own 
elevation ? Is it not to the agitation of this 






OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 97 

emancipation, to the appeals to the sympathy 
and religious prejudices, and (I hope I am not 
uncharitable) to the cant of the day, that some 
people are indebted for their own station ? 
Why then reject those equal in rights, equal 
in mental, and superior in bodily powers ? 
Jamaica presents a prospect that cannot fail to 
rejoice the heart of the true philanthropist. 
Already have the exports of that island fallen 
more than one-half, and will shortly cease 
altogether. 

Is not this a proof that these unfortunate 
beings, the blacks, must have been compelled 
to work beyond what was necessary ? for now, 
when left to themselves, there is no induce- 
ment that either ambition or avarice can dis- 
cover sufficient to make them work at all. 
From which the inference is plain, that Provi- 
dence never intended they should work. What 
an earthly elysium that island will soon be- 
come, when, like Saint Domingo, it is left to 
spontaneous production ! When nature will 
supply their wants, and they can roam at large 
like the birds of the air and the animals of 



98 THE LETTER BAG 

the field, and the voice of complaint shall he 
drowned in one universal chorus of song ! 
When hand in hand the natives, like our first 
parents in paradise, knowing not the artificial 
wants of clothes, shall have their couches of 
rose leaves, their beverage of the cool stream, or 
still cooler fountain, and gather their food from 
the limbs of trees that hang over them, in- 
viting and soliciting them to pluck and eat ! 
Can imagination picture anything equal to 
such a scene of rural felicity as this ? Even 
the restraints of our moral code will be want- 
ing, for morals are artificial and conventional. 
Where there is no property there can be no 
theft, where there is no traffic there can be no 
fraud, and where nature supplies freely and 
abundantly all wants, there will be no restric- 
tive matrimony, for marriage is a civil obliga- 
tion arising from the necessity of providing for 
a family. Each one will follow the dictates 
of his own inclinations. Love will have no 
fetters to impede his gambols ; affection will 
alone be consulted. The eye will choose, and 
the heart ratify, all connubial contracts ; and 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 99 

when the eye is sated, and the heart is cooled, 
both parties will separate without a sigh, and 
without a struggle, each one free, like the 
birds of the air, to spend a succeeding season 
with a new mate, and no murmur and no 
jealousy shall be heard. There will be no 
property in the heart, no slavery in the affec- 
tions ; but there will be what many nations 
boast of, but, alas ! what few possess, freedom, 
unlimited, unrestricted, absolute freedom — 
freedom of thought, freedom of action. What 
a realisation of all our hopes, what a happy 
termination of all their wrongs and sufferings ! 
Succeeding ages will admire and applaud, and 
heaven will bless these noble designs. 

Impressed with this view of it, happy in 
being the agent in promoting such sublunary 
felicity, I propose visiting the states, for there 
too are exalted spirits, true patriots, noble 
philanthropists, who, unshackled by paltry con- 
siderations of property, would break down all 
distinctions as we have done, and as the beam 
has hitherto inclined to the whites, now give 
it a counterpoise altogether in favour of the 
f 2 



100 THE LETTER BAG 

blacks. It is not a subject for equalization, 
for studying balances, and for making- nicely- 
adjusted scales. We must go the whole 
figure, as they express it. But, my good 
friend, this is a dangerous country — the plan- 
ters are a fiery and impetuous people, and will 
not bear tampering with, as our colonists do — 
we must unite the gentleness of the dove 
with the wiliness of the serpent. I propose 
commencing the southern tour first, and using 
West India tactics. I shall mount the pulpit. 
Without a direct appeal to the passions of the 
black, I will inflame their imagination : I will 
draw a picture of freedom in another world, 
that will excite them in this. I will describe 
sin as a taskmaster, I will paint that taskmas- 
ter in a way that the analogy cannot be mis- 
taken for their own masters, and in colours 
that cannot fail to rouse their imaginations 
and passions, and advise them to throw off the 
yoke of the oppressor; in short, I will keep 
within the law, and effect that which is with- 
out the pale of it. When I reach the non- 
slaveholding states, where my person will be 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 101 

secare from violence, I will speak openly ; I 
will draw ideal pictures of distress from the 
stores of fancy, and talk in touching terms 
of broken hearts, unwholesome exhalations, 
burning suns, putrid food, unremitting toil, of 
remorseless masters, unfeeling mistresses, and 
licentious manners. I will then put in prac- 
tice the happy and successful ruse I adopted in 
England. I will produce a prodigious whip 
with wire thong, and ponderous manacles and 
thumbscrews of iron, fabricated for the occa- 
sion — and, exhibiting them to the audience, 
appeal at once to their feelings, as men and 
as Christians. That I shall succeed I make 
no doubt, and I shall have the pleasure 
occasionally of sending you an account of my 
doings. I have availed myself of your kind 
permission to draw upon the funds of the 
society for five hundred pounds to defray my 
necessary expenses in this great and holy 
work ; a work which, I must say, sanctifies the 
means. What a glorious retrospect is the 
past, how full of hope and happiness is the 
prospect of the future ! The West Indies are 



102 THE LETTER BAG 

free, the East is free, and America is soon to 
be liberated also. That we were to be assailed 
by calumny, to be denounced as incendiaries, 
and persecuted as felons, for our part in this 
great political regeneration, was to be expect- 
ed. Our enemies, and the enemies of reform, 
have made a great handle of the murder o 
Lord Norbury, which awkward affair has 
never been placed in its proper light. It was 
a death, and nothing but a death — but what is 
it more than that of any other individual ? Is 
the life of a peer of more value than that of a 
peasant ? It is a life, a unit, not distinguished 
from any other unit, but because there is a 
naught in its head. One of the oppressors is 
gone, and gone suddenly ; so have many of the 
oppressed gone likewise, and yet the death of 
this aristocrat makes more noise than them all. 
Rank toryism this, which thinks of nothing but 
rank, and impiously asserts there is rank in 
heaven, for there are angels and archangels 
there. To be free is not to be oppressed, 
to remove oppression is an act of freedom, 
but an act of freedom is not murder. Mur- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 103 

der is of malice aforethought, but where 
principle and not malice removes a man, 
it is not murder, but the effect of politi- 
cal difference. I do not approve of it in de- 
tail, for I doubt its policy and efficacy, so long 
as the power of creating peers remains in the 
crown ; but still this is not a case for pious 
horror, but rather for regret. There was no 
robbery, no sordid motive, no mean vulgar 
plunder attending it. It was the deliberate 
act of an exalted mind, mistaken, perhaps, but 
of high feeling, intense patriotism, and Koman 
virtue. It was Brutus preferring Rome to 
Caesar. It was a noble deed, but rather phi- 
losophical perhaps than religious. Sordid po- 
liticians cannot understand it, cowards dread 
it, and bigots denounce it. Few of us, per- 
haps, are sufficiently devoted or enlightened 
publicly to applaud, to say that we sanction 
it, or would achieve it ourselves ; but what- 
ever we may think of the act abstractedly, we 
cannot but admire the firmness, the nobleness, 
and the elevation of the perpetrator. He was 
a true patriot. If he was right, heaven will 



104 THE LETTER BAG 

reward him ; if he was in error, his motive 
will be respected, and he will be pitied and 
forgiven. So in Canada, the burning out of 
the vile conservative loyalists is not arson, for 
it is not malicious ; and the secret removal of 
them to another world not murder, but consti- 
tutional amelioration. Great allowance must 
be made for the warmth of political excite- 
ment. A Lount may despatch those whom the 
press denounces. That noble-minded man, 
Brougham, has thus considered it ; the perpe- 
trators have been pardoned, the jails have 
been thrown open, and the patriots set at 
large to commence anew their great moral and 
political reformation. If this is right in Ca- 
nada, how can it be wrong in Ireland ? and if 
right in Canada and Ireland, how can it be 
wrong in the Southern States of America? 
The laws of justice are uniform and universal. 
What is Lord Norbury more than Chartrand, 
or Lord Glenelg more than Schoultz ?— unit 
for unit — tit for tat — a Rowland for an Oliver. 
Necessity has no laws, but even in the eye of 
the law it is said all men are equal. In the 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 105 

eye of Heaven we know they are. The peer 
and the peasant are both equal then as far as 
killing goes; and killing no murder as far as 
the absence of personal malice goes. Under 
these circumstances let us persist in aiding, by 
all means, similar to those resorted to in Ca- 
nada, our devoted Sable brethren of the South. 
Should a few of their masters be removed, it 
is but the natural consequence of the system, 
and not of the reform; and the roots, if traced, 
will be found to spring from the fetid soil of 
slavery, and not the virgin mould of freedom. 
In burning off the stubble, who ever doubted 
a few ears of grain would be consumed ? or in 
cutting down the weeds, that a lew blades of 
grass were to be sacrificed ? — none but fools or 
idiots. 

In my next I shall give you a detail of my 
proceedings; at present I have left myself 
barely room to subscribe myself your much at- 
tached and sincere friend, 

Joseph Locke, 
f 5 



106 THE LETTER BAG 

Extract from a newspaper published at Vixburg, 
under date of the 22d May, 1839. 
" We regret to state that this city was thrown 
into great confusion and alarm yesterday by 
the discovery of a plot for an insurrection of 
the negroes, the murder of the whites, and the 
destruction of the place by fire. It was clearly 
traced to have originated with a fanatical 
English abolitionist of the name of Joseph 
Locke, who expiated on the gallows, in the 
summary manner prescribed by ' Judge Lynch,' 
this atrocious offence against the laws of God 
and man. On his person was found the draft 
of a letter addressed by him to a member of 
the British parliament, (whose name for the 
present we withhold,) not merely admitting 
the part he was about to take in this infernal 
work, but actually justifying murder and arson 
as laudable acts, when resorted to in the cause 
of reform. He had an opportunity offered to 
him yesterday by our indignant citizens, of 
testing the truth of his principles, and the 
soundness of his reasoning. It is to be hoped, 
for his own sake, his views underwent no 
change in his last moments." 



OF THE GREAT AVESTERX. 107 



No. IX. 

letter from a cadet of the great 
western to his mother. 

Dear Mother, 
As I intend to get out as soon as we 
get into New York, and look for a packet 
for England, I write this letter that I 
may pack it off to you as soon as possible. 
Don't be afraid that I am going to spin a long- 
yarn. I shall merely send you a few matters 
I have entered in my log, on which I intend 
to extend a protest against the owners, cap- 
tain, ship, and all persons concerned. Putting 
midshipmen on board a steamer to make sea- 
men of them, is about on the same ground-tier 
with sending marines to sea to teach them to 
march. Nobody but them land-lubbers, the 



108 THE LETTER BAG 

directors, would ever think of such a thing ; 
but you shall judge for yourself which way to 
steer in this affair, when you hear what I have 
to say, and see how the breakers look when 
laid down on the chart. 

We have had a long voyage of twenty-two 
days. Ever since we tripped our anchor at 
Bristol, my heels have been tripped instead, 
and I have learned pretty well what a trip at 
sea means. Our mess is forward, and a pretty 
mess we have made of it, not being much more 
forward ourselvesthan when we started. The sea 
has washed off all our crockery. Broken dishes 
float about the floor, till the cabin looks like 
the river "Plate." I am nearly as bad off 
myself, for I sleep so wet I am all in " shivers." 
Our breakfast cups are tea-totally broke, 
though we have seen no breakers ; and our 
sugar, as the member of parliament that used 
to dine with Pa said of the house, is either 
dissolved or pro-" rogued," I don't know 
which. Our decanters and tumblers are all 
in pieces, and tumbled overboard, which hap- 
pens so often, that I suppose it is the reason 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 109 

why people call it the glassy surface of the 
sea. My head is all covered with bumps, not 
to mention other places ; and the older boys 
laugh when I complain, and call me a country 
bump-kin, and the doctor says they are so well 
developed, they would be a valuable study 
for bumpology. My messmates' buttons have 
G. W. on them, which means great wages, 
and when they don't know what game to play, 
they make game of me, and play the devil. 
We have black things on board with long 
legs, through which we learn to take the sun, 
called making an observation, though we are 
not allowed to speak. This instrument they 
call a sexton, because we have to look so grave ; 
and when the appointed time is come which 
comes alike to all, the sexton is useful, to tell 
us how long we are from our long homes, that 
we may calculate the length of our days, make 
our crooked ways straight, and never lose 
sight of the latter end of our voyage. They 
have a chip tied to a string, which they call 
a log, which they throw into the water to tell 
how fast the vessel goes. My business is to 



110 THE LETTER BAG 

haul it in. I begin at this work as soon as 
we leave Chip-stow ; and I assure you it chops 
my hands before long, and if I cry, as I do 
sometimes with pain, the boatswain threatens 
to slap ' my chops' for blubbering. The string 
has knots in it, and every mile she goes is 
called a knot. The more she does not go 
the faster she goes, which would puzzle 
them that were not used to such knotty things. 
Every old thing almost has a new name on 
board of a ship. What do you think they call 
watches, and how do you suppose they are 
made ? Why, four men and an officer make 
a watch, or, as they say, a watch with four 
hands. It is a very hard case for a watch that 
has to turn up in the night. They try every 
plan to plague us ; whenever it is dark, and 
I can't see my hand before me, I am sent to 
the bow, and desired to " keep a sharp look 
out." The sea breaks over me there, and wets 
me through; and when I complain of it, the 
captain laughs, and says you are a " dry fel- 
low." The short watches are called dog 
watches, because the hands are only " tarriers" 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. Ill 

for half the time the others are. They are 
well named, for one leads the life of a dog 
here, and we become growlers every one of us. 
As for me, I have charge of the captain's jolly 
boat, which I am told is quite an honour. 
My business is to set him ashore, and then to 
set myself in the stern for two hours, whistling 
" by moonlight alone," till he comes back. 
Very "jolly" work this. He calls us his jolly 
tars out of fun. I hope, dear mother, if you 
have any regard for me, you will take me out 
of this steamer — I look like a blackguard, and 
feel like one. The captain calls me a smutty 
rascal — I don't like such names, but every one 
is smutty, and can't help it. The shrouds are 
smutty, the ropes are smutty, and the sails are 
smutty ; and to have things of a piece, they 
have a parcel of smutty Mulatto girls on board. 
I wipe more smut on my face with a towel, 
than I wash off with the water ; and smut my 
shirt more in putting it on than in wearing it. 
You will hardly believe it, but my very 
talk is smutty. I look like a chimney sweep, 
for though I do not sweep flues as he does 



112 THE LETTER BAG 

the flues sweep me, and both of us go 
to pot. I am so covered with soot I am 
afraid of a spark setting me afire, and then 
I should be a ' ; suttee." The steam ruins 
everything in the ship ; our store - room 
and berths are back of the boiler, and are 
so hot, our candles that used sometimes to 
walk off now run before they are lit; our 
butter undertakes to spread itself; my boots 
are dissolved into jelly, but it is bootless to 
complain. The knives and forks which used 
to assist us in eating are now eat up themselves 
with rust. Not a single bit of our double 
Gloucester is left but has made " whey" with 
itself. Our tea leaves us ; it has distilled away, 
and the leaves are all that is left : the stew- 
ardess laments her lost " Bo-he." Keeping 
our eggs under hatches has hatched our eggs, 
and we have had to shell out our cash for no- 
thing but shells. My new coat a moving 
" tale " reveals ; even " gilt " that was so glar- 
ing is now " guiltless," and its " mould " but- 
tons are themselves covered with " mould ;" 
the cape has become a " Cape de Verde ;" every 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 113 

one complains of my " choler," and the sleeve 
is no longer a laughing matter. My hat has 
" felt " the change ; and, as well as myself, 
would be none the worse of a longer " nap," 
while my gloves are so shrunk they have 
ceased to be " handy." I have not been mor- 
tified by having " my feet in the stocks," but 
my shoes are so bad, I am often in my stock-in- 
feet — I am, " upon my sole," and there is no 
help for it. The clerk gives us lessons that he 
calls lectures, so that all the spare time we 
have from working the ship is spent in working 
" more," which works us up so we have be- 
come " spare " ourselves. To give three hun- 
dred pounds for the privilege of working like 
fun for nothing for the Great Western for 
three years, was about as good a joke, dear 
Ma, as was ever passed off upon an affectionate 
mother. Who ever put that into your head put 
you into his pocket ; for, after all, it is only a 
kitchen on a large scale, with a steam-cooking 
apparatus of great dimensions. A man can 
never rise whose work is all below; and he 
who succeeds and gets at the top of the pot, 



114 THE LETTER BAG 

makes but a pretty kettle of fish of it at last. 
No, dear mother, remove me, I beseech you, 
for I am tired of these trips, these parties of 
pleasure, these western tours. I shall want a 
new out-fit when I return, an entire new kit, a 
complete set of traps — my old ones, if wrung 
out, would give " creosote " enough to buy new 
ones. The ship joggles so I can't write straight, 
and I have got so used to the trembles, that 
my hand shakes like palsy. There ain't a 
steady hand on board. They say " a rolling 
stone gathers no moss," how that is I don't 
know, as I never saw one that kept rolling 
about ; but I know that a rolling limb loses 
a great deal of skin. My sea chest is growing- 
fast into a hair trunk : it is already covered 
with the skin of my shins, and in this hot 
greasy place the hair will doubtless soon begin 
to grow upon it. We have " fresh rolls " every 
minute, and a man may well be said to urn his 
wages who does nothing but boil water all day. 
The sun has tanned all my skin, and the 
steamed oak has tanned all my clothes; the 
consequence is, my linen is all leather ; and I 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 115 

am become a shining character and a polished 
gentleman. I am a nigger, " mancipate " me, 
dear Ma, for you know not what I suffer. All 
the water is so hot it scalds, all the iron so 
heated it burns, while the whole ship hisses at 
you. The tar bubbles up through the seams, 
and your feet stick fast to the planks; and 
when you complain they tell you you are an 
upright man, stedfast, and immovable ; but 
being " decked up " is not so pleasant as you'd 
think : I'd a thousand times rather be " tricked 
out," which I intend to be when I return. I 
have no objection to stick to my profession, 
but I don't wish to stick in it ; and it's of no 
use to talk of promotion to a man who can't 
get a step. Though I often get a wigging I 
can no longer comb my hair, for it has become 
a pitch plaster, and my head looks like a swab 
of oakum dipped in tar. It is humbling to 
think I should be so disgraced as to make it 
my whole study how to " pick a lock." 
u Ward" off this disgrace, dear Ma, for you 
can't judge of officers afloat from what you see 
of them ashore. They put on sea manners 



116 THE LETTER BAG 

with sea clothes, and instead of looking as 
bright as kings of hearts, as they do in har- 
bour, they look as black as the ace of spades 
at sea. When I first came alongside to look 
at the ship, they steered for the cabin, hailed 
the steward, and hove to abreast of the table, 
where they broached the locker and boused 
out champaigne and hock, which they over- 
hauled in great style, and stowed away with a 
ration of cake and negus. It was all as quiet 
as a calm, and no catspaw amoving on the 
water. The last thing a man would dream of 
in such weather was a squall a-head. But 
when I came on board with my traps, and was 
regularly entered in the ship's books, and we 
fairly got under way, it was no longer " what 
cheer, messmate ?." but luffing up and hailing 
in a voice of thunder — " I say, youngster, 
what the devil are you doing there ? you land- 
lubber rascal you, if you don't go forward and 
attend to your duty, I'm damned if I don't 
give you a taste of the ropesend." So, dear 
Mother, as soon as we heave in sight of Eng- 
land, hang out a signal for a boat ashore, and 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 117 

just as we round to at the dock, take your de- 
parture for home, and let me pull in your wake 
after you, that's a dear, good Mother, is the 
constant prayer of 

your dutiful son, 

VlLLIERS SCROGGINS. 



IIS 



THE LETTER BAG 



No. X. 
letter from a lawyer's clerk. 

Dear Saunders, 
Notwithstanding father's having issued his 
' ne exeat regno,' when I applied for ' leave 
to move,' here I am, safe and sound, " within 
the limits " of the Great Western, and bound 
" beyond sea." I assure you this ship is 
no " clausum " frigid, but as regular a " fiery 
facias" as you would desire to see, a per- 
fect hot-hell, as the Scotch call it, or as they 
might with more propriety say, " an auld 
reeky," but what we of the Temple call 
an immense " Flotsam." As our " policy" is 
to go straight, and not " extra viam," there is 
little fear of a " deviation," and so I presume 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 119 

we shall have a short as well as a pleasant 
voyage. The ' bar I try ' of the steward 
being covered by the ' Premium,' I will 
probably endeavour to illustrate the meaning 
of that term ere long ; at present, whatever 
I eat is 'served' with an immediate 'eject- 
ment,' and although I am constantly in the 
act of drinking, and desirous of ' taking the 
benefit of the act,' yet I do not find it, as I 
had fondly hoped and expected, ' an act for 
quitting possession,' and I must say that in my 
present situation I much prefer 'a retainer' to 
a ' refresher.' How often, dear Saunders, have 
I been tempted, in days bye-gone, to throw 
" Coke" into the fire, and I assure you it is 
quite delightful to see with how little cere- 
mony they do it here. If the great text 
writer were on board with his bulky commen- 
tator, he would dislike ' Coke upon Littleton 
as much as others do, and stand quite as good 
a chance of being floored as his juniors. 
Although we have no 'jury box,' we have a 
jury mast, and yet there is, I regret to say, no 
ion from being often " impanelled," as 



120 THE LETTER BAG. 

numerous ' indentures ' in my sides and ' pos- 
tea' bear painful ' testimony.' You take your 
places here opposite to your berths, but as ' the 
benchers' have dropped off fast, there is rapid 
promotion towards the head of the saloon. As 
I was late, I am low down on the list, for they 
' forestalled ' all the good places, by ' entering 
an appearance first,' and there is no changing 
the 'venue' allowed here without consent, or 
in case of ' non residence.'- This ' rule is per- 
emptory,' and like poverty brings you ac- 
quaintance with strange company. There are 
many things I shall enter into my ' demurrer 
book' relative to the accommodation on board 
of this ship, so that if ever I have ' a venire de 
novo' on board of her, I may be more com- 
fortable. One of the first would be to move a 
" repeal of the black act," for I protest against 
African servants as strongly as a quaker does 
against slaves. They are excessively disagreea- 
ble, and I shall serve Captain Claxton with a 
'notice of inquiry' on this subject, and he 
may 'move to amend' if he thinks proper. 
As things now stand, it is perfectly absurd 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 121 

for him to make declarations ' de bene esse,' 
and to state to the public that the committee 
are disposed to go any ' extent in aid' of the 
passengers, when he suffers the cabin to be 
perfumed and the company poisoned by these 
oily-itchi-nous negroes. He ought to be 
given to understand and indeed made ' scire 
facias,' that as we ' pay in ' a large sum of 
money, there is 'no justification' that can be 
pleaded, or any 'exhonoretur entered' for any 
act of the steward or his partners ; in short, for 
nothing that happens on board, ' except under 
the Lords' act.' Another objection that I 
shall take, is to the facility with which people 
in the adjoining cabin and ' visinage' have 
'oyer' of all you say, and, by 'suggesting 
breaches' in the ' partition,' may ' inspect' your 
'proceedings,' a 'recognisance' that is not 
very pleasant, especially as the object of all 
privacy is to avoid having ' nul tiel record ' of 
your sayings and doings. Although no man 
is more reluctant than I am to ' take excep- 
tions,' especially while ' in transitu,' or more 
disposed to take things as I find them, yet, in 



122 THE LETTER BAG 

justice to myself, I must have 'a certiorari' to 
remove such causes ' of complaint,' as ' a 
teste' of my being in earnest to prevent im- 
position. ' If the question can be put at all,' 
I should like to ask — and I think I have ' a 
right to put it' — why the bread is so badly 
baked ? When I complained of it to the 
steward, he had the insolence to reply that it 
was made soft intentionally for the use of the 
young 'John Does' on board, but that he 
' would strike me off the rolls ' if I did not 
like them ; and in case I preferred, what 
he understood few lawyers did, ' a consoli- 
dated action,' my ' daily allowance of bread' 
should be toasted. It is natural I should feel 
crusty at such impertinence, and ' a stay of 
proceedings' of this nature. Indeed I have 
grown so thin, I feel entitled to bring an 
action ' on the case' against the captain — I 
shall have a 'devastavit' against the steward, 
for the wine is ' flat, stale, and unprofitable,' 
in consequence of the insufficiency of the 
' estopples,' which are most ' inartificially 
drawn,' and, ' absque tali causa,' would be bet- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 123 

ter with the ' clerk of the pipes.' There are 
several ladies on board ' femes soles,' and ' femes 
couvertes ;' hut as I have no intention to be 
' unques accouple ' for at least ' infra sex annos,' 
my master will have no occasion to be alarmed 
at it, as an act 'per quod servitium amisit.' 
They are, however, a very agreeable ' set off' 
of a 'dies non' on shipboard to the 'prolixity 
of our proceedings.' My ' prochaine amie' is 
a girl of eighteen years of age, beautiful as an 
houri; but alas, she has not only ' nulla bona' of 
which I could have an immediate ' habere 
facias possessionem,' but unfortunately ' Nil 
habuit in tenementis,' or I do not know that 
I would not perpetrate marriage with her 
' nunc pro tunc ;' but really I have no idea of 
committing an unprofessional, and, I may add, 
ungentlemanlike ' misjoinder' with poverty. 
If I cannot live in proper style when married, 
and as becomes a person of my station in life, 
I prefer not having 'an attachment' at all, 
which in such a case would be literally, as well 
as figuratively, ' a criminal proceeding. ' 
Matrimony is a great 'limitation of action;' 
g 2 



124 THE LETTER BAG 

it is very apt to involve a man in that most 
disagreeable and disreputable affair, ' a distress 
for rent ;' and what, perhaps, is still more 
fatal to his success in life, to being frequently 
' overruled,' and having his ' judgment re- 
versed,' without even the usual formalities of 
having 'cause shown.' But if I could find a 
girl (and I say this in the strictest confidence 
of ' professional secrecy ') who had never 
' given a cognovit' to any other ' practitioner, 
and who could convince me that ' nil debet," 
that she had in her own, and not in ' autre 
droit,' a sufficient quantity of ' assets,' and a 
respectable sum of money in hand, arising 
from some good and valid ' last ivill and tes- 
tament^ in addition to the ' estate in tail ;' — 
why then, my dear fellow, let ' me confess' 
at once, that if this were the case, and ' si te 
fecerit securum,' I should make no objection to 
a ' procedendo,' and bringing the suit to 
' issue ' at once, without waiting for leave of 
' principals.' It is a way of getting into 
' the stocks ' at once legal and honourable ; 
and of all money I know of, none so easy to 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 125 

be obtained, or so pleasant to spend, as matri 
'money.' The 'usual costs' arising from 
marriage ' mensa et thoro ' are not easy to be 
conceived ; and although I have reason to 
fear I shall begin life, yet I have no wish to 
terminate it ' in forma pauperis ;' for you 
must admit there is a wide difference between 
having ' bills taxed' (a species of amusement 
to which you never ' except') and being 
' taxed with bills.' At present, therefore, I 
am not disposed to give my fair one a ' notice 
of trial,' but rather to insist on ' a nonpros.' 
Talking of pleadings puts me in mind of ' an 
issue ' joined with a shark which we ' capiased' 
to-day. In the first attempt he made ' an 
escape,' but was 'retaken' on a 'new trial.' 
He is one of that species that sailors call 
' honest lawyers ;' he was dreadfully convulsed, 
(though not with laughter,) and struggled to 
' rescue ' himself for a long time, nor ceased 
till he died, but ' actio personalis moritur cum 
persona.' 

It is my intention to visit Massachusetts (d. 
Massa-choose-it) and Connecticut, (d. con- 



126 THE LETTER BAG 

nexion-I-cut,) and when there, to study their 
laws and jurisprudence, for ' non sum infor- 
matus' on this subject ; and I trust my father 
will approve of my not losing sight of my 
vocation whilst thus employing my ' vacation.' 
When I obtain answers to all ' my interroga- 
tories' concerning these matters, I will 'put 
you into possession' of them. In the mean 
time ' arrest your judgment.' The only point 
not necessary to ' reserve,' is the truth with 
which I am, 

Dear Saunders, 
Yours always, 

Richard Roe. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 127 



No. XI. 

letter from a traveller before he had 
travelled. 

My dear Mac, 
My publisher has had the assurance to make 
an excuse of my never having been in America 
to offer me only half price for my travels, and 
I have therefore concluded to make a flying 
visit to that country, so as " to give a face" to 
them. It was in vain that I protested that the 
people, who had never seen the colonies, made 
capital speeches, wrote eloquent despatches, 
and framed constitutions for them ; that one 
man, who had only seen Canada from a steam- 
boat and the castle windows, described Nova 



128 THE LETTER BAG 

Scotia and the United States, neither of which 
he had ever been in, and drew a minute com- 
parison of their general appearance, and the 
habits and feelings of the people ; that ano- 
ther was seized in a bed in Romney Marsh, and 
sent out to North America as a governor ; and, 
in short, that personal knowledge and practical 
experience were apt only to engender preju- 
dice, and cloud the understanding. He ad- 
mitted it all, but said he wanted to have " in- 
cidents of travel," striking sketches, and living 
caricatures, to make the work take — to give 
it effect — in short, something new — something 
that should cover untrodden ground, 

I am therefore off in the Great Western, and 
hope to scour the country in eight weeks, by 
starting at once, after my arrival, for the ex- 
treme points. I shall in a few days reach the 
prairies by means of railroads and canals, from 
whence I will dash on among the Pawnees, 
and kill a buffalo, and from the hunters I will 
get all I want to fill up the detail. I will then 
visit the scenes of recent disturbance in Ca- 
nada, and obtain an interview with some of 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 129 

the rebel leaders, and, by thus dwelling on op- 
posite points, give a magnificent idea of the 
extent of the ground I have gone over. I 
have had the book already written for some 
months past, at least all the laborious parts of 
it, and have nothing to fill in but the jests and 
the anecdotes. I have avoided the rambling 
mode adopted by Hall, Hamilton, and Mar- 
ryat, and have given it an elaborate, scientific, 
and analytical division, as follows : — 1st Book 
embraces the geographical position, and na- 
tural resources, area, and population ; 2nd, 
Political statistics, including government, re- 
venue, and expenditure, civil, military, and 
naval affairs ; 3rd, Moral statistics, (that is a 
title that will please the Rads vastly,) includ- 
ing religion and education ; 4th, Medical sta- 
tistics, including comparative mortality, &c. ; 
5th, Economical statistics, including agricul- 
ture, manufactures, navigation, trade, &c. All 
this is done, and, in my opinion, devilish well 
done, for a man who knows nothing about it ; 
but the United States almanacs, road ma- 
nuals, newspapers, and guide-books, have fur- 
g5 



130 THE LETTER BAG 

nished abundant, and, I am inclined to think, 
authentic information. It is but to hash up 
the cold collations of my predecessors. The 
deductions and theories from these facts I feel 
I can draw as well in London as in America. 
In this the publishers agree ; but they say 
they want life — " verisimilitude" is their word, 
and " striking incidents." 

The politics are on the safe side — ultra- 
radical. I have applied a sledge-hammer to 
the church in the colonies, blown up the rec- 
tories and clergy reserves sky-high, gone the 
whole figure for responsible governments, 
(though, between you and me and the post, I 
can't for the life of me understand the differ- 
ence between that, in the sense demanded, and 
independence,) for ballot, universal suffrage, 
and short parliaments, and illustrated these 
things by their practical working in the New 
States of America. As respects the House of 
Lords, that is a delicate subject. My friend 
fell foul of it, and charged it with legis- 
lating in ignorance and inattention. This 
course may do for him, but, for obvious rea- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 131 

sons, I think it imprudent in me. His section 
is the most aristocratic of the parties at pre- 
sent, and I doubt if it would serve my turn to 
follow his example. The church is a different 
thing ; that is fair game ; and I am, in this 
liberal age, backed by high authority for giv- 
ing it no quarter. Besides, it is not a " church 
militant." I have gone beyond Brougham in 
this, who swears it was the church was the 
cause of the rebellion in Canada. 

As respects the state of slavery in the States, 
I have gathered anecdotes on board from some 
travellers, that are capital, especially of Jeffer- 
son selling his own children — flogging others, 
and playing the very devil — of a descendant of 
Washington being a slave, and set up at auction 
— and of a white wife being compelled to wait 
upon the black mistress of her husband, and so 
on. Talking of slaves reminds me of the 
Barbadoes Globe, of the 15th of August, which 
I send you. Eead the sermon of an abolition 
Captain Somebody : it is capital. I wish it 
served our views to insert it ; if it did, I would 
do so, for it would make an excellent article, 



132 THE LETTER BAG 

particularly where he points to one of their 
masters, and tells the negroes they must not 
kill him — must not hate him for his cruelties, 
and so on ; like the old story of not ducking 
the pickpocket. It is magnificent. That fel- 
low ought to head a commission. The quakers 
should put him into parliament. 

Of Lynching I have got some choice stories, 
and will endeavour to pass through the State 
where they took place, to give them from the 
spot. Of the Bowie knife, Arkansaw's tooth- 
pick, and other stillettos in use among the set- 
tlers on the Indian borders, I imported a spe- 
cimen when I began the work, and had drawings 
made in London. 

On waste lands in the colonies, some people 
we wot of have made capital speeches, I un- 
derstand, as I have written my book, from 
official returns and fancy. I hear they are 
right in part, and in part wrong ; the right 
part everybody knew, the wrong nobody ever 
heard of before. I will " discourse most learn- 
edly" on this matter. I can boast now that I 
am an eye-witness. Ego te intus, et in cute 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 133 

novi ; which is more than either of them can 
say, at any rate. I have made out the follow- 
ing list of subjects for anecdotes, which, like a 
cork jacket, will make the body of the book 
float lightly The appetite of the public is like 
that of the boa constrictor — it is not satisfied 
with less than the whole hog. Lynching — 
spitting — gougeing — steamboats blown up — 
slavery — sales and breeding of slaves — licen- 
tious manners of the south — slang expressions 
of the east and west — border doings in Canada 
— Clay — president — Webster — ignorance of 
the fine arts — bank frauds — land frauds — stab- 
bing with knives — dinner toasts — flogging in 
the United States navy — voluntary system — 
advantage of excluding clergymen from schools, 
instance Gerard's College, &c. — cruelty to In- 
dians — ravenous eating — vulgar familiarity — 
boarding-houses — list of names of drink — wa- 
tering-places — legislative anomalies, and tricks 
of log rolling bills — anecdotes of Papineau — 
Sir John Colbourne and Sir F. Head — and 
some few of women, perhaps the most attrac- 
tive of all. These I can gather from travellers, 



134 THE LETTER BAG 

and from party men, who, in all countries, 
never spare their opponents, and from country 
journals, and the speeches of mob-orators. It 
will spice the work, afford passages for news- 
paper puffs and paragraphs, and season the 
whole dish. 

All this can be accomplished in eight weeks 
easily. The Americans live in steam-boats, 
rail-cars, and stage-coaches, and hotels ; so that 
I shall see them at home while travelling, and 
of their domestic manners ask freely of any 
one I meet. It is not necessary to give dates ; 
no one will know when I arrived, when I de- 
parted, or how long I was in the country. 
Dates are awkward boys ; they are constantly 
getting between your legs and throwing you 
down. I will give the whole a dash of demo- 
cracy of the new school, being both anti-church 
and anti-tory, in my opinion. I will talk of 
general progression — of reform measures— of 
the folly of finality, and so on. It will take, 
my dear boy ; it will do. I shall go down as 
soon as any ultra-liberal of the day. I think 
I see the notices of it already. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 135 

" This is a great work." — Sun. 

" This work is eminently entitled to public 
favour." — Weekly Despatch. 

" This is at once a profound and entertain- 
ing work ; we never observed anything before 
so remarkably beautiful as the illustrations. 
The views are distinguished for picturesque 
effect and importance of subject. The draw- 
ings are accurate and exquisite." — The Town. 

" It has been said that Hogarth's pictures we 
read, and the same may be said of the prints 
in the volume before us." — Examiner. 

" Of Mr. Grant's work it is impossible to 
speak in terms of sufficient approbation. The 
enlarged views, varied and accurate informa- 
tion on all topics of general interest, and the 
liberal and the enlightened tone of thinking 
that pervade the book, justly entitle him to 
rank among the most profound thinkers and 
successful writers of the present day. We 
cordially congratulate him on his eminent suc- 
cess, and the public on so valuable an addition 
to its literature. More we cannot say." — Satirist. 



136 THE LETTER BAG 

" This is decidedly the best book ever 
written on America." — Sunday Times. 

" This work is entitled to a place by the 
side of Lord Durham's masterly report ; higher 
praise it is impossible to accord." — Morning 
Chronicle. 

Then follow " the Beauties of Grant." How 
well it sounds'! Think of that, Master Mac. 
That — that — is fame. If you could get me 
made a member of some of the London Socie- 
ties during my absence, it would be of great 
service to me. An F. R. S., or L.S., or G.S., 
after one's name in the title-page, looks well, 
and what you say then comes ex cathedra, as it 
were. You speak as a man having authority ; 
you are a ' most potent grave and reverend 
signior,' and entitled to be heard among men. 

would not mind the expense, if the thing 
could be managed, for the sake of the eclat it 
would give me and my work, and for the plea- 
sure, too, of letting all the world know the fact, 
as my volume, I hope, cannot fail to do. 

The last book on America is dedicated to 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 137 

the Queen, by special permission, and that 
alone is a feather in the author's cap. A book 
that is inscribed in this formal manner, is sup- 
posed to be read at least by its patron. Now, 
although I have no pretensions to this honour, 
yet my views ought to make my book a fa- 
vourite with the party whose cause I so 
strongly advocate, particularly that portion 
which demonstrates the necessity of conciliat- 
ing rival sects by a total rejection of the Bible 
from the common schools of the nation; and 
I confess I shall entertain the hope that Lord 

B will interest himself to obtain for me 

the special permission of the Marquis of Loco 
Foco to dedicate my travels to him. His " im- 
primatur " is, I admit, no great advantage in a 
literary point of view, but politically it is of 
the first importance. It will give it " the 
Tower mark." It will pass current then as 
lawful coin. And, now, hurrah for the Paw- 
nees, the Texians, and the Canadians, and 
Yankee-town ! and then for " Travels in the 
United States of America, the Texas, and 
British provinces, with minute and copious 



138 THE LETTER BAG 

details of their geographical, political, moral, 
medical, and economical statistics, including 
anecdotes of distinguished living characters, 
incidents of travel, and a description of the 
habits, feelings, and domestic life of the peo- 
ple." Illustrated by numerous drawings and 
sketches taken on the spot by the author. By 
Gregory Grant, F. R. S., and M. L. S. Dedi- 
cated, by special permission, to the Marquis of 
Loco Foco. 

Here is the pilot on board ; all is bustle 
and confusion. God bless you, dear Mac. 
Don't forget the F.R.S. or some other A.S.S. 
Society. Adieu. 

Yours always, 

Gregory Grant. 






OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 139 



No. XII. 

LETTER FROM A STOKER. 

Last nite as ever was in Bristul, Captain 
Claxton ired me for to go to Americka on board 
this steenier Big West un as a stoker, and 
them as follered me all along the rode from 
Lunnun, may foller me there tuo if they liks, 
and be damned to em, and much good may it 
do them tuo, for priggin in England aint no 
sin in the States, were every man is free to do 
as he pleseth, and ax no uns lif neither, and 
wher there is no pellise, nor constables, nor 
Fleets, nor Newgates, and no need of reforms. 
I couldn't sleep all nite for lafeing, when I 
thort ou theyd stare wen they eard i was off, 
and tuck the plate of Lord Springfield off with 
me, and they looking all round Bristul, and 



140 THE LETTER BAG 

ad their panes for there trouble. I havent 
wurk so ard sinse I rund away from farmer 
Doggins the nite he was noked off his orse 
and made to stand, and lost his purs of munny 
as he got fur his corn, as I av sinse I listed for 
a stoker. Ime blest if it arnt cruel ard wurk 
ear. I wurks in the cole ole day and nite, a 
moving cole for the furniss, which never goes 
out, but burns for ever and ever ; and there is 
no hair, it is so ot my mouth is eated, so that 
wat I drinks, smox and isses as if it wur a ort 
iron, and my flesh is as dry as ung beef, and the 
only consholation I av is Ide a been ung beef 
in ernest if they ad a nabbed me afore I left 
Bristul, all owin to Bill Sawyer peachin on 
me. No wun would no me now, for I am as 
black as the ace of spades as was, and so is my 
shurt, and for clene shetes, how long wood 
they be clene and me in them, and my skin is 
cracked like roastid pig, when there be not fat 
enough to baste it, or- yu to lazy to du it, which 
was often your case, and well you cort it for 
it tuo when I was out of sorts, which was enuf 
to vex a man as risked his life to get it ; and 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 141 

then my eyes is soar with dust as comes from 
the cole, and so stiff, I arent power to shute 
them, because they be so dry, and my mouth 
tasts sulfur always, as bad as them as go to 
the devil in earnest, as Sally Mander did. I 
have no peace at all, and will not be sorry 
when it's over ; if i survive it, blow me if I will. 
I smells like roste beaf, and the rats cum smel- 
ling round me as if they'd like to ave a cut. 
and cum agin, but they will find it a tuf busi- 
ness and no gravy, as the frenchman said who 
lived tuo hull weaks on his shuse, and dide 
wen he cum to the heles, which he said was 
rather tuo much, but i can't say I like their 
company a morsel more nor Bill Sawyerses, 
and blast me if I donte be even with him, if he 
comes to America, for that gud turn he did me 
in blowing on me for the silver, wich if he 
adnt dun, ide a bin living at my ease at ome 
with you, and may be married you, if you and 
the children ad behaved well, and showed 
yourselves Avurthy of it ; as it is, i can't say 
whether we are to mete agin or not ; but I will 
rite to you when I lands the plate, and let you 



142 THE LETTER BAG 

no what my prospect is in my line in New 
York. Then my shuse is baked so ard, they 
brake like pycrust, and my clothes wat with 
what cum'd out of me like rain at fust, and the 
steme that cums out like wise, which is oncre- 
dibill, and wat with the dust as cum out of the 
cole, is set like mortar, and as stiff as cement, 
and stand up of themselves as strate as a 
christian, so they do ; and if I ad your and in 
my and it wood melt like butter, and you that 
is so soft wood run away like a candle with a 
thief in it ; so you are better off where you be 
than here till I cool down agin and cum tuo ; 
for I'me blest if I woodn't sit a bed a fire, I'me 
so ort. This is orrid wurk for him as has 
more silver in his bag than arf the passengers 
as, and is used to do as little wurk as the 
best of them is. I've got urted in my cheek 
with a stone that busted arter it got red ort 
in the grate, and flew out with an exploshun 
like a busted biler ; only I wish it had been 
water insted, for it would have been softer 
nor it was, for it was as ard as a cannun-ball ; 
it noked down to of my teeth, and then noked 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 143 

me down, and made a smell like searin a 
orses tail with red ort irn, which is the cause 
of it? not bleeding much, tho' it swelled as 
big as a turnip, which accashuns me to 
keep wun eye shut, as it's no use to open it 
when its swelled all over it, for I can't sea. 
If that's the way peepul was stoned to 
death, as I've eared when I was a boy, 
when there was profits in religion, it must 
have been a painful end, as I no to my 
cost, who was most drowned holclen my ed 
in a tub of water to squench the red ort 
stone, which made the water tuo ort to 
bear any longer, and wen I tuked it out 
it was tuo much eated to old in my and. 
My feet also looks like a tin cullindur or a 
sifter full of small oles, were the red ort sin- 
ders have burned into the bone. Them as 
node me wunce woodn't swear to me now, 
with a ole in my face as big as my mouth, 
that I adn't afore, and too back teeth out, as 
I had afore, and my skin as black as ink, and 
my flesh like dride codfish, and my hare 
dride wite and frizzed with the eat like nea- 



144 THE LETTER BAG 

ger's, or goose fethers in ort ashes to make 
quills, and me able to drink a gallon of 
porter without wunce taking breth, and not 
fele it for ewaporation, and my skin so ki- 
vered with dust and grit, you could sharpen 
a knife on it, and my throte furred up like 
a ship's biler, and me that cood scarcely 
scroudge thro' a windur, that can now pass 
out of a kee ole, and not tear my clothes in 
the wards. Wun cumfit is, I was not see-sick, 
unless being sick of the see, for I have no 
licker in me, for watever I eat is baked into 
pot py and no gravy, which cums of the 
grate eat in the furniss, and burns raises no 
blisters, for they ain't any watter inside to 
make wun, only leves a mark, as the ort poker 
does on the flore ; and wen my turn cums to 
sleap, it's no longer trying this side and then 
that, and then rolling back agin, a trying 
and not being able, for thinking and talking, 
but sleep cums on afore I can ly down, and 
all the pellise at Bo street woodn't wake me 
no more than a corps, wen I am wunce 
down in em est. If I wasn't in a urry, I'd 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 140 

stick them up with wurking like a orse in the 
mail, that runs day and nite, and never stops. 
It woodn't be long afore I'de nock off a bolt, 
or skru, or nut, or sumthing of that kind, 
which ud cause them to let out steam and re- 
pair, which wood give half a day's rest to 
wun, but as it's the first and the last of my 
stokering, why the sunner there is an end 
to it the better. No man cood identical me 
with a safe conshience, and no perjury, so if 
the yankees spend their munny, as I av hurd 
till sinse I tuck passage, on thur backs insted 
of carrying it in their pockets, i may return, 
after a short alibi, to you and the children, 
which will depend on ou you aul up in time, 
and keaps out of Low cumpany ; that is, bar- 
ring accidents, for there is no noing what 
may appen, for them as carrys booy nives 
behind the kapes of their cotes, and pistuls in 
their pockets, insted of pistoles, are ugly cus- 
tumers, and a feller may find himself deli- 
vered of a mistake afore he noeth where he 
is, for they are apt to save the law a job are 
them nives, so they are, and Ide rather trust 



146 THE LETTER BAG 

to a jug messing fire, or not hitting his man, 
anytime to side-arms, for them big wigs oftener 
ang fire than ang a man. They are bad things 
them cut and thrusts, for both sides, as Tom 
Hodge used to say, " He who stabbeth with 
his tung, is in no danger of being ung, but. he 
who stabbeth with his nife is damned apt to 
loose his own life." When you receive this 
litter, go to Blackfriars to the swimmers, and 
in the four foot of the bed, in the left room in 
the garrit as I used to use when bisnis called, 
you will find the same oiler as in yours bed 
sted, and take the gold sneezer as is there, 
which will raise the wind, and be careful, as 
there is no noin' when we may meet, or whe- 
ther I will av time to send you any Blunt 
or no, which will depend on how you con- 
duct behind my back, i don't mene this by 
way of discouragement, but to int you are too 
fond of drink, and keeping company with 
needy mizlers to kepe secrets for any wun 
without bringing him to the crap, and now 
that I'me in another wurld I expect you will 
o-ive luse to vour one inwenshuns, which will 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 147 

be the ruin of you yet, as well as of them 
as has the pleasure of your ackwaintance, in 
wich case you don't ear agin from me, and I 
luk for sum wun as nose how to place a pro- 
per valy on advice when they gets it, which 
wasn't your case for sum tim gone. My pre- 
sent sitivashin as all cum of not noing ou to 
be silent, or bill Sawyer cudn't av ruined me 
in my busines ; but never mind, it's a long 
lane that has no turn in it, as the chap sed 
to console himself in the tredmill. Remember 
me to Jim Spriggins, who is the primest 
ruffing cove I ever shared a swag with ; tell 
him I'me no transport, tho' I' me bound over 
the watter, for I'me just visiting furrin parts 
as the gents do on account of having lived too 
free at home, and that I ope to nap many a 
reader yet, if providence blesses our under- 
takings. So no more at present time from your 
loving friend, 

Bill Holmes. 



h 2 



148 THE LETTER BAG 



No. XIII. 

letter from a stockholder of the great 
western to the secretary. 

Sir, 
I duly received your favour, under date of 
the 30th ult., per Mr. Scribe the clerk, which 
came to hand at time of sailing, and note 
its contents. I notice your request that I 
should forward to you per first ship via New 
York, that leaves after our arrival, touching 
at an English port, such suggestions and 
alterations as occur in a careful review of the 
fixtures, stock in hand, and miscellaneous 
articles on board, and have great j>leasure in 
now executing your order, and hope that the 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 149 

manner will prove satisfactory. The first re- 
mark on the catalogue I would offer, is upon 
the alarming preponderance of Americans on 
board, they being one moiety or half part of 
the assortment of passengers mentioned in the 
bills of lading of the live cargo, the balance 
being made up of foreigners, provincials, 
and English. In the event of any sudden 
breaking out of hostilities, while on the pas- 
sage, between the two nations, as was recently 
feared, the provincials might sympathise with 
the Americans, who are troublesome customers ; 
and the Poles, I would stake my existence, as 
natural friends of liberty, having served an 
apprenticeship to the business, would side 
with them; and the French, from their 
known antipathy to what they call their an- 
tiquarian enemies the British, together with 
the steward and his body-guard, who are all 
Africo- Americans, and whose home, if they 
can be said to have any who are in bondage 
abroad, is the United States, would be ditto, 
and not neutral. Reinforced by this exten- 
sive additional supply of auxiliaries against 



150 THE LETTER BAG 

us, they would be enabled to make a run 
upon the English captain and his brave 
countrymen the stokers, and perhaps Lyncfc 
them, and seize the steamer, which is too fast 
to be overtaken, and too strong to be retaken, 
or else I am much mistaken. It is not easy 
to contemplate such a stoppage in our line 
without feelings of consternation and panic : 
and I submit it with all due deference to your 
honourable board, for some premonitory mea- 
sure that shall obviate such an alarming 
occurrence as a total loss. Yesterday, when 
we thought of making a deviation and putting 
into Halifax to ascertain whether Maine and 
New Brunswick had declared war, the Ameri- 
cans put us all into bodily fear that they 
would put us into confinement, and make 
prisoners of us without ransom, and such 
fears should be removed by removing the 
moving cause. Another serious item, serious 
from the consequences as well as the magni- 
tude, is that of the number of lights on board, 
whereby, not to mention waste, the safety of 
the ship, comprising a very extensive assort- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 151 

ment of valuable articles not necessary to 
enumerate, and of the passengers is endan- 
gered, as well as of other vessels and passengers. 
We have now two actions pending at New 
York against us, for the loss of two ships, 
that mistaking our immense volume of light 
for a lighthouse mentioned in the coast-book, 
steered accordingly, and were wrecked on the 
rocky shore, which in their vain-glorious, 
and boasting language, they call ' iron bound.' 
I have suggested to Mr. Ogden, who is the 
most eminent counsel in New York, whether 
we might not plead or aver, that if the coast 
is 'iron bound,' it was magnetic attraction, 
and not excess of light, that caused them to 
be lost in the darkness of the night. If this idea 
prevails, it will cure them of making a selec- 
tion of such high-sounding words to denote 
ordinary things, and teach them to substitute 
facts for poetic fiction of imagination in 
transacting business. I consider there is great 
danger of fire, and prospect of immense sacri- 
fice of entire stock, if the strictest regard to 
economy in the distribution of it is not at- 



152 THE LETTER BAG 

tended to ; for although the fire of the engine 
falls into water, it would not be so easy to 
make water fall upon the fire ; and fire, 
as you used to say, sir, very forcibly and ap- 
propriately, is a bad master, though a good 
servant. I would, with your kind indulgence, 
obviate the danger to the premises, by refusing 
to supply the passengers individually with a 
lamp or candle, or ignition of any kind, and 
order, that when they close the concern and 
shut up for the night to go to bed, they 
should be accompanied by a waiter, who 
should stand by them with a dark lantern in 
his hand, open for the men, but held behind 
him for the ladies. Premium of insurance 
would be reduced by underwriters on the 
policy by this means, and brokerage saved 
also, as well as the amount of petty average 
of anxiety. 

As to the stock of provision on board, I 
would materially alter the assortment of solids 
and fluids. In this line I would mention the 
article of soda ; four thousand bottles of which 
were drank during the voyage, which is an 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 153 

immense consumption, notwithstanding the 
price at which it was laid in was unrivalled 
for cheapness, on account of the liberal dis- 
count allowed for prompt pay. Such a quan- 
tity is injurious to the health, being a system 
of diet that lowers the system of body, occu- 
pies the time of the waiters in drawing- 
corks, and is very expensive. It is called 
for chiefly among the Americans, who, I may 
say, are the only customers : and they order 
it by wholesale — their principal pleasure, I 
believe, arising from the explosion, resembling 
that of a rifle. But this is only another way 
of rifling your j)ockets, as they would serve 
your bodies ; I would order the consignees at 
New York not to lay in so heavy a stock of 
the article, the very freight of which runs up 
to a considerable sum. 

I would have fewer sorts of dishes and of 
a better sort, and fewer kinds of wines and of 
a better kind; a great deal of meat is now 
wasted, besides what is put under the waist, 
in trying which they give a preference to. 
This makes the passengers sick, and keeps 

H 5 , 



154 THE LETTER BAG 

them with empty stomachs, ready to empty 
the dishes as well as the bottles. I humbly 
conceive this want of apportionment is bad 
economy, or rather no economy. I should 
prefer a selection of heavy wines, as less would 
do by fifty per cent. — it takes a vast deal of 
light wines to make a man light-headed, and 
weak wines a man may drink for a week, and 
feel no stronger for the stowage. One ex- 
cellent expedient to prevent excessive drink- 
ing, would be to engage a doctor on reason- 
able terms, who could sing well : a good song 
and a long song between the glasses, prevents 
wasting liquid by its ljen on the decanters; 
and every turn of the bottle among one 
hundred and ten passengers, costs in exact 
computation one hundred and ten glasses of 
wine, which amounts to more than seven 
bottles, a heavy item in the account. There 
is, it appears to me, an advantageous open- 
ing here for an improvement. The article 
too should be imported direct, so as to save 
commissions and retail profits, and laid in at 
costs and charges only, to do business to ad- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 155 

vantage. I would observe, shipping charges 
at Bristol are too high, especially dockage, 
Avharfage, lighterage, and primage ; and 
therefore laying in at New York is preferable, 
and, to save custom-house expenses, every- 
thing should be included in one cockit. There 
should also be a leftenent on board, — I do not 
mean tenants that have left, for there are 
always plenty of them, but an officer so 
called, independent of the mates. This offi- 
cer should have charge of the cabin, and the 
cabin charges, and of the passengers and their 
baggages, all of whom ought to be in his 
convoy. He should preside over the table, 
and relieve the captain of this department, 
who, never being brought up to this line 
of business, is unacquainted with particulars, 
although emulous to merit public approbation 
and patronage by assiduous attention. In ad- 
dition to this, the captain is a ' chartist,' and 
consequently not so well fitted for large 
assemblies. As to the decorations of the 
saloons, they are most costly, though the 
prime cost is not to be complained of, 



156 THE LETTER BAG 

but they produce no return ; the fabricks are 
elegant and of durable materials, and war- 
ranted of first quality, especially the drapery, 
which is of the newest pattern and fashion. 
They are now much damaged, and stand 
at the reduced value of remnants, especially 
the paintings. Now, although a mere daub 
can never become a good picture, yet a fine 
painting may easily become a mere daub, as is 
proved on board of this vessel, for the ser- 
vants are constantly rubbing their dirty hands 
on them. A touchy servant is the most dis- 
agreeable of all attendants ; and, although I 
detest one that is thievish, I make no objec- 
tion at all to one that is light-fingered. I 
would intimate, therefore, as an addition to 
your orders, that there should be no more 
black servants, for it is obvious that a hand 
that is always black must be dirtier than one 
that is only occasionally so. Although there 
is no supper laid, yet, judging from the quan- 
tity drunk, there are some tolerable suppers 
on board, and anchovies, sardines, and salt 
fish should be carefully excluded from the 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 157 

invoice, and considered contraband, as well as 
all provoking things. He who thirsts after 
drink soon becomes bloody thirsty, and is a 
dangerous customer. This is the more unsafe, 
because in these premises we are constantly 
kept in hot water. Another improvement 
would be, to remove the tube that runs the 
whole length of the cabin under the table, 
and answers no purpose but steaming calves' 
feet into jelly, and to place it on the table, 
where it might run counter to the dishes, 
and be useful in keeping the dinner warm, 
as well as to make articles show to ad- 
vantage. I have no objection to cold meat, 
but I like hot soup, and fish that comes to 
table not warmed is out of " place ;" and I 
like to hear young ladies' tongues chatter, but 
not their teeth. Two saloons would be better 
than one, and give more satisfaction, on an 
average, to those who favour us with their 
custom; for, though I admire a mob cap, I 
detest a mob of caps. The side-paths between 
the tables and the walls, being scant ell wide, 
are too narrow for two to pass and repass 



158 THE LETTER BAG 

without trespassing on each other's feet. A lady 
told me to-day, she never knew before the pain 
of being- " sirpassed ;" and though she had no 
objection to the " freedom of the press," she 
had great repugnance to a " press gang," and 
had no idea of being " pressed on board ship." 
But the most beneficial alteration that has oc- 
curred to me to make on board of the ship, so as 
to make it yield a good dividend to proprietors, 
and command an extensive run of patronage, 
would be to subject the passengers to animal 
magnetism. As soon as they come on board 
they should be put to sleep and disposed of, 
by being packed carefully into their respective 
beds, and left there as on shelves, until the 
steamer performs her voyage, when they could 
be all handed down, unanimal-magnetised, 
and sent ashore. It would save much that 
now swells up the account-current for the 
table and attendants, spare them the pain and 
suffering of sea-sickness, and prevent all noise 
and confusion. You could then afford to 
make a great reduction in the passage money 
by this means, for a long voyage would be no 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 159 

more expensive, as far as the cabin disburse- 
ments are concerned, than a short one ; and 
you could book double the number of insides 
and fill your way-bill up handsomely. A mag- 
netiser would have to be employed, of known 
skill, so as to render advertising- attractive and 
profitable. He should be a pupil of Dr. 
Elliotson, or some such distinguished man — a 
person in well-established business, well known 
to the nobility and gentry generally of his 
vicinity, and one in whom the public at large 
has great confidence. Whether so strong an 
assemblage of magnetic influence would affect 
the compass deserves consideration, and ex- 
perimental trips should first be tried on the 
Thames and other places. For this invention 
you might obtain a patent, and the Great 
Western would thereby have a monopoly in ' 
her line of business, and defy all rival com- 
petition, by driving all others out of the field, 
or at least out of the sea. 

What a sea of trouble it would save ! what 
an era it would form in naval history ! 
what a blessing to mankind ! crying children 



160 THE LETTER BAG 

put to sleep — scolding wives set at rest — grum- 
blers silenced — drunkards sobered — hungry 
people quieted — agitators calmed. The cabin 
would then be fitted up like a museum, every 
specimen marked, numbered, parcelled, and 
shelved, and order and regularity restored, 
while economy and comfort (the you tilly dull 
sea) would pervade the whole assortment. It 
is the best expedient I know of, to remedy all 
evils, and ensure lasting custom, and a safe 
investment, for capital, as well as please princi- 
pals. Trusting that the enumeration of items 
I have now the pleasure to forward, in exe- 
cuting your commission, will arrive safe to 
hand and give satisfaction, 

I am, sir, respectfully, 

Your obedient servant, 

William Wisdom. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 161 



No. XIV. 

LETTER FROM A SERVANT IN SEARCH OF A 
PLACE. 

Dear Tummus, 
Curnel Rackitt having thort proper to stop 
sherry in the servants' hall, and give porter in 
sted, I give him warning that such improper 
conduct wouldn't do no longer, as I ad been 
always used to live with gentlemen, and to be 
treated as a footman ort ; and besides, livery I 
won't wear no longer for no man breathing. 
It arn't fit one man should wear bondage 
cloths to another man, and so I go to Amerika, 
where there is no such word as servant, but 
assistance and helps, and where talents is 
rewarded as it deserves, and there is no dis- 



162 THE LETTER BAG 

tinctions to be found. I av engaged with 
captain Haltfront to help him during the 
voyage, and he is to pay my passage ; but I 
didn't engage not to be sea-sick, which of 
course I av thort proper to be, whenever he 
is on deck, which is not often, and con- 
sequently av nothing to do but eat and drink 
my allowance, which, thank God, I can do 
very well, and he av the steward and ship's 
servants to wait upon him, which is enuf in 
all conscience without me. In Amerika, as I 
hear, servants is called misters, and wine and 
wegetables being on table and the company 
handing dishes, helps has nothing to do but 
set down on cheers and read the papers, un- 
less it be to change a plate now and agin, 
which is only performer like ; and is often 
taken into business, and marries into the 
family ; and, wearing no livery, can dine at 
hotels at public tables, if not on duty, and has 
money to pay for it. Little offences aint 
thort nothing of where public officers do the 
like, as I hear, and where munny is so plenty 
people make a forten sometimes by failing in 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 163 

business, which the steward says is not on- 
common by no manner of means. 

Howsumever, I must say I pittees Miss 
Rackitt, Curnel's dorter, poor thing ! for she 
was unkimmon fond of me, that's a clear case, 
and would have absconded as quick as wink 
with me, if I had but thort proper to av sed 
the wurd ; but, being dependent upon her 
father, couldn't keep an establishment, which 
wouldn't do for me, as I couldn't afford to 
marry a poor girl, let her beautiful charms be 
ever so cunspikious. I wunder who will 
tie on her clogs and squeze her ankles now I 
am gone, and a prettier foot and ankle there 
aint this day in all Lundun, tho' perhaps it 
don't become me to bost of my nolegs in this 
pint. Her waiting wumman Jane, (you node 
Jane, she that had the fine black eyes,) well 
Jane was always jealous of her, and I ad enuf 
to do, I can telly, to pacify her, inting to her 
it was all her hone immagination, and that I 
wouldn't touch her mistress with a pair of 
tongs, and that hartificial flowers like she 
had no sweetness in them, like the real roses 



164 THE LETTER BAG 

of her lips and cheeks ; but wimmen do find 
things out astonishing, and it aint easy to 
deceive them in matters of the art and eyes — 
tho' to my mind she aint no more to be com- 
pared to miss, than sider is to shampane. 
Indeed missus herself wouldn't av had no ob- 
jections to go off neether, I can tell yaw, if I 
ad but consinted to lift up my hand and 
whistled, if it warn't for fear of the Curnel, for 
she tuk great notis of me, and was proper 
vexed when I giv warning, and told me her- 
self I was a fool, and didn't no how to valy 
my place, and complained bitterly she was de- 
ceived in me ; which she wouldn't av done at 
no rate, if she warn't cross at loosing me in 
such a sudden manner for ever ; but I never 
did deceive her, nor give her no encourage- 
ment, on no occasion whatsumever, for I pre- 
fered miss by a great deal. Second and 
pieces of furniture isn't to my taste, by no 
manner of means, and if she ad pesisted in 
saying much more I should av told her so to 
her face, for I didn't like her ; she was old, 
wore false curls, and had sum teeth that wasn't 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 165 

her hone, and warn't at all fit for a fancy 
wummon for any young man like me. If ever 
I marry s for munny I must av good looks too, 
or I am off the bargain, that's flat. They has 
the ballad and universal sufferig, as I am 
informed, in Amerika, and I shall have a vote 
in course : but it's no use as I hear, for voting 
is considered low where it's so common, and 
there's no thanks where no one nose how 
you votes — so reform, it seems, is no great 
shakes arter all Lord John's flams about it. 
Public service I should much prefer to pri- 
vate, as I understand they gits eight dollars a 
day at a place they calls Washington, and 
great vails too, besides rising, if your tail is 
large like O'Connell's, who has the biggest in 
all Ireland, for I hear Stevenson, the Yankee 
minister, was only a public servant, and no bet- 
ter, and rose by his tail too, as our monkey used 
to hold on by his, and help himself up. I shall 
try my luck there, and if I gets upon the wurld, 
who nose but I may come back as a tatchy, 
or sumthing of that sort, to England, some of 
these days, and show Curnel Rackitt what 



166 THE LETTER BAG 

service in Amerika is. One think I av seen 
myself, an officer dine at our table at master's 
who ad seen service in his younger days him- 
self, and was made as much of as if he had 
never stood behind a chair in his life, and so 
far from being ashamed of it, as some people 
as I nose of would be, boasted of it, which 
showed his sense. Poverty aint no sin or 
disgrace neither, and barbers' sons have riz 
afore now to be pears ; whereas my real father, 
as I have heard said, is a reform member, and 
high up in office, tho' my mother had the mis- 
fortune to be a servant, which is more than 
sum can boast of, whose parents was low 
people on father's and mother's side both. If 
I was so fortenate as to make a forten by mar- 
riage, or public service, or become a Curnel 
myself, which I hear is quite common in Ame- 
rika for servants to rise to be Curnels and 
even Generals sometimes, I would cum back 
in course to London to spend it, where life is 
certainly understood to be spent, and seemly 
and becoming a man of fortin ; and theatres, 
and operas are open every nite, and andsum 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 167 

girls and good wine only wants the means, 
and perfessing reform opinions gives good 
interest. Breaking lamps, and driving over 
people on siderpaths, and nocking down po- 
licemen, is easy learned, and so is not paying 
tradesmen's bills, and then running off with 
another man's wife would be worth while, it 
would make a person fashionable, and a great 
favorete with the wimmen. I have heard 
missus (or rather I should say Mrs. Rackitt) 
often call Markiss Blowhard a villain behind 
his back for his love affairs, and that he ort to 
be shut out of families, for too bad, and be as 
civil to him next day as if he was Archbishop 
of Canterberry ; but wimmen always pretend 
to be shocked at what pleases them most, and 
carrying two faces aint confined to no station. 
Half seas over to Amerika makes me feel 
more nor half free already ; at all events I 
practises making free when hopportunity 
offers. Says the skipper to me one day, (he is 
a leftenant in the navy,) says he, " Are you cap- 
tain Haltfront's servant ?" Without getting 
up, or touching hats, but setting at ease, says I, 



168 THE LETTER BAG 

" I didn't know he had a servant, sir." " Didn't 
know he had one, sir ?" said he, " pray what the 
devil do you call yourself, if you are not his ser- 
vant?" " Why, sir," said I, cocking my head a 
one side, and trying to come Yankee over him, 
" he receives the Queen's pay, sir, and wears her 
regimentals ; he has an allowance for an as- 
sistant, which I receive, and wear her majesty's 
cockade too. We serves her Majesty, sir, and 
I am under the captain's command — do you 
take, sir ?" " Why, you infernal, conceited 
rascal," said he, " if you were under my com- 
mand, sir, instead of his, Ide let you no dam 
quick whose servant you were." " Ah, very 
like, sir," said I, still keeping my seat, and 
crossing one leg over the other, free and easy, 
and swinging my foot, " very like, sir ; but you 
don't happen to have that honour, and my 
passage money is paid to your masters, the 
owners of this boat, at Bristol, which happens 
to alter the case a bit. You can go, sir." 
" Go, sir !" said he ; " why, dam your eyes, sir, 
what do you mean ? do you want to be triced 
up, sir ?" and he walked away in a devil of a 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 169 

hurry, as if he was going to do something, but 
he didn't honour me again with his company. 
I have put up with a good deal in my time, 
Tuminus, but I puts up with no more. No 
man calls me servant again unless at eight 
dollars a day as a public one, at "Washington, 
or Van Buren, or Webster, or some of the 
large cities, where, as I here, no one lives, but 
every one passes thro', and don't no you 
again. If that don't do, some other line must. 
Wine, wimmen, and cigars is my motter ; and 
she what bids for me bids high, Tummus, or 
she don't av the honour of belonging to the 
establishment of 

Your old companion and friend, 

Robert Cooper. 

P. S. When you write to me, write this 
way : 

A mister 

Mister Cooper, 
Poste-restornte, 

New Yorke, Amerika. 

I don't no as I av spelt restornte rite or no, 



170 THE LETTER BAG 

it's the French for let it stop in the office till 
called for. Curnel's letters, when he and me 
was on the continent travelling, had it on, and 
it looks knowing. The governess will tell you 
how to spell it, and you may kiss her for 
thanks, and get another kiss for change. 
Don't forget the two misters, for these little 
things marks the gentleman ; and it might do 
me good such letters coming to me, especially 
among females, whose curiosity is always on 
the key veave, and takes such forrin-looking 
letters for Billy duxes, or assassinations of some 
fair one or another. If the governess would 
write the back of the letter herself it would be 
better, for then the hand-writing would be 
feminine gender, as Miss Rackitt used to call 
the Spanish lap-dog bitch. 

Yours again, 

R. C. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 171 



No. XV. 

letter from a french passenger to his 
friend in london. 

My dear Sare, 
I have vary mush pleasure to you inform I 
evakuate England on bord de Great Western 
on de 22nd ultimo, wid werry little vind and 
smooth watare, and next day it dropt astarne 
and was lost to de view altogedare. I cannot 
tell if I speak de trut, I was soary to leave it 
behind me. De smooth watare did not long 
remain, but soon became onraged and terri- 
fique, and I grew vary sick, and was brought 
to bed wid nausea and de acke in de head, 
where I was confined meself, and could not 
i 2 



172 THE LETTER BAG 

prevent for several days rny being delivered of 
all I eat. Whatever I take I refuse, and 
what I swallow I throw away. All sweet is 
vary sour, and noting good likes my stomack. 

By and by I become round again and get 
up, and den vate spectacles for de eyes de 
cabin gives, one hunder and ten passengare at 
de table at one and de same time, and no con- 
fusione but de confusione of de tongs. One 
ting on board of de steam-boat I vary much 
do admire — you are not troobled with wind. 
Blow which ever way he will, backward or 
forward, it is all de same as one, you go right 
by de head all de time. 

I find de English tonge vary tuff, and I am 
hard to understand it. De meaning of de 
words is so scattared, it is not easy for to 
gadare dem, all at de same time to chuse dat 
wot fits de best to de right place. Dere is 
" look out," which is to put out your head and 
to see ; and " look out," which is to haul in 
your head and not for to see, just contraire. 
To-day steward took hold of de sky-light, and 
said, " Look out ;" well, I put up my head for 



OF THE GEEAT WESTERN. 173 

to " look out," and he shut down de sash on it 
and gave me a cut almost all over my face 
with pains of glass, and said, " Dat is not de 
way to ' look out,' you should have took your 
head in." Dat is beating de English into de 
head wid de devil to it likewise. It keeps me 
in de boiling watare all de time. When I 
make in de English tong mistake, de com- 
pany all laugh in my countenance, which is 
vary disagreeable and barbare, but to avoid 
consequence hostile, I join in de laugh meself, 
and bark out too at my own blundares, so 
loud as de loudest of dem all, but dere is no 
much pleasure in de practice ; but when you 
shall find yourself in a Rome, you must do as 
it is done in de Rome. Politeness cannot be 
hoped hare on ship board, where dere of men 
are many kinds, for you cannot look to make 
a silk purse out of de ear of one big pig. De 
wedare has been vary onfair, and de sea so 
tall as a mountain, so that de glasses no more 
cannot stand up, nor de soup sit still in de 
plate, but slide about as on de ice when it is 
slippair, and roll over in one united states of 



174 THE LETTER BAG 

confusione, passengare, dinnare, and all. We 
have one dreadful flare up every night in de 
cabin, which fill me vary full brim of fear, all 
de same as one light-house. What would be- 
come of us if we were to be burned in de 
watare wid fire, I do not know, so many 
peoples and so few gigs and boots to get in, 
and so great way off is de land. Candles, and 
lamps, and ceegars in every man's mouth 
widout nombre, and de furnace in de belly of 
de ship all burning at de same instant time, 
make it dangereuse every where, and though 
the captain order one general blow up of dem 
all at ten o'cloke, yet I vary mush fear some 
onderminded person like de English lawyer 
shall put de candle, not onder de bushel, but 
onder de bed. 

As de English shall be vary fond of fires in 
de night, burning barns and staks of hay 
and corn to produce one grand effect poli- 
tique of reform, so I would take de libarty to 
send you one sketch imagenatif of that hor- 
reable event, de burning of de Great Western 
in de sea, which will give you, I hope, much 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 175 

pleasure to see, as it do me to prepare it for 
you wid pencil. When I was well, I spend 
my time vary agreeable wid de ladies in de 
prominade on deck when de weather shall 
give leave, and on making game at cards with 
snatches of musick, and in de evening in de 
sheets sketching de figures grotesque of the 
passengare estrangare, and in ventriloquism, 
which produce effect vary comique ; but de 
passage shall come over almost so fast as my 
illness was, which no give me much time for 
eomepany. 

So soon as we will slip our cable at New 
York I was land, and come visit de Yankee 
of New England — de Frenchman of Canada — 
de sauvage of de wood — de black of de Sout, 
and de backwoodsman wat shoot wit de rifle, 
in successione, and study de democracy of de 
government. It is a country unique, I believe, 
with abundance of food philosophique for re- 
flectione. If it is only no more as one-half so 
grand a conetry as de Americans on board 
was boast, it will be de finest conetry in de 
whole universe globe, for to all things they 



176 THE LETTER BAG 

say splendid — magnifique — suparbe. Certain 
dey appear one people drole. Niagara is 
widout dout one grand spectacle, but clomsy, 
widout shape or elegance, and not to be com- 
pared to de sublime water- works of Versailles, 
which is the bouquet of all, de first in de 
world. But to estrangares who was not visit 
France, and been so good fortunate as to see 
that grand artificial work of de great natione, 
Niagara may, perhaps, appear wonderful. So 
it is with Vesuve in like manner. In realita 
it fall vary far to de behind of de imaginatif 
in fire-works in de Champs de Mars, in de 
glorious days of July at Paris. He who is 
not seen dat city, my good sare, has seen just 
noting at all, where nature and art form one 
alliance, intimate, graceful, and unique. It is 
the one place only in the world for a man vot 
has taste, literaire, imaginatif, and gastrono- 
mique. 

What they can boast with truth goot right 
in Amerique, if dey only had de taste culi- 
naire, which dey are so misfortunate as not 
for to be, is de grand reservoirs, de great 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 177 

lakes, and immense rivares of fresh watare 
make for dat most delicate morceau, de frog, 
which I hear are in great abondance dere, and 
vary fine, sporting demselves, and singing- 
night and day, like veritable birds, tho' the 
musick is not so good as de eat, which is fit 
for a king. I make to myself one promise, 
they shall compensate for a great deal of de 
miseraire in de table ; but at present I hear 
it is so much thrown away upon dem as pearls 
before de swine pigs, dey are so ignorant and 
barbare, as not even to know de dish but for 
make laugh. 

In England, also, is one vary great ting 
wanted in de educatione of de houses com- 
mons of de people, is to have de knowledge 
of de art to cook de fare, so to make it fit to 
eat for de palate and stomach, and what is 
more, to de pokeet, and to make de one half 
food dan the whole go furdare. Den you will 
hear of starving peoples again no more as 
before, which cannot be oderwise when more 
is consumed in waste in one day by ignorance, 
den shall render for de whole week entire in 
i5 



178 



THE LETTER BAG 



consumptione necessaire. It is more better as 
cheaper ; and let goot cooking of de vitals last 
only for five year indeconetrey,it shall wipe upde 
nationale debt, till it shall be no more seen, and 
noting remain. Wate else have enable France 
to support de army of Napoleon, or wate is 
called of occupation, which was of Prusse, and 
Russe, and Anglaise, when combined in round 
Paris, but de art to cook ? Or wate now hold 
up de grand militaire and navy, or defray de 
debt of de natione, which is not commercial e, 
nor manufacture, but de art to cook ? It is 
de single ting necessaire to jenerale happiness, 
riches, and health, and widout it man is no 
more as a savage, who was waste more as he 
eats, and eats more as a pig den human being. 
Lord Brougham (who is more distinguished 
for what goes out of his mout den what goes 
into it) have gone boast " de schoolmaster is 
abroad." Vel, wate of all dat ? De school- 
master is not de right man aftare all ; but if 
will say "de cook is abroad," den he shall speak 
sense for once ondeniable. De cook is de 
jentleman dat shall make von grand reform in 






OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 179 

de English natione more better as ballot, or 
universal sufferage,or de Lord John Russell, all 
in one pile heap up togedare. De John Bull 
vat is poor is so savage as a bloodhound — for 
why i because he feeds on rau meet ; de Char- 
tist is wicked because his stomack is out of de 
order; and so is de Radical vary cross and 
sour, because he is despeptic, bilious, and tro- 
bled wid wind ; and de rish man, wat you call 
Whig, go hang and drown himself for noting 
at all but because his digestione is bad. Ah, 
my dear sare, my goot friend, de cook is de 
doctore — de statesman — de patriot ! Speak of 
educatione nationale, mon Dieu ! it is cooking 
nationale vat you shall want ; and dis do put 
mind in me to go talk to de steward about de 
dinnair ; so I must have take de honore to 
subscribe to you, 

Myself, wid great respect, 
Your obedient servant, 

Frederick Frelin. 



180 THE LETTER BAG 



No. XVI. 

letter from an old hand. 

My dear James, 
Just as I was embarking, I received your 
letter requesting me to give you a full account 
of my voyage, and such hints as might be 
useful to you when you shall make the pas- 
sage yourself. The first is unnecessary, for 
there is nothing to tell. Every man is alike, 
every woman is alike, (they are more alike 
than the men, too much of the devil in them,) 
every ship is alike, especially steam-ships, and 
the incidents of one voyage are common to 
all — " Facies non omnibus una, nee tamen 
diversa." 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 181 

The company usually consists of young 
officers joining regiments ; talk, Gibraltar, 
Cape, Halifax, Horse Guards, promotion and 
sporting — of naval men ; talk, insults to flag, 
foreign stations, crack frigates, round sterns, 
old admiral — of speculators ; talk, cotton, 
tobacco, flour — of provincials ; talk, Durham, 
Head, Colborne, Poulett Thompson — of tra- 
vellers ; talk, Mississippi, Niagara, Mahone 
Bay — of women ; talk, headache, amusements, 
and nonsense about Byron — of Yankees ; 
talk, Loco Foco's go-ahead, dollars — of manu- 
facturers ; talk, steam, factors and machinery 
— of blockheads, who chatter like monkeys 
about everything. The incidents are common 
to all ; fall on the deck — wet through — very 
sick — bad wine — cold dinner — rough weather 
— shipt a sea, and a tureen of soup — spoke 
to a ship, but couldn't hear — saw a whale, but 
so far off, only a black line — feel sulky. 
There is nothing, therefore, to tell you but 
what has been told a thousand times, and 
never was worth telling once ; but there are a 
few maxims worth knowing. 



182 THE LETTER BAG 

1st. Call steward, inquire the number of 
your cabin; he will tell you it is No. 1, per- 
haps. Ah, very true, steward ; here is half a 
sovereign to begin with ; don't forget it is 
No. 1. This is the beginning of the voyage? 
I shall not forget the end of it. He never 
does lose sight of No. 1, and you continue to 
be No. 1 ever after ; — best dish at dinner, by 
accident, is always placed before you, best 
attendance behind you, and so on. You can 
never say with the poor devil that was hen- 
pecked, " The first of the tea and the last of 
the coff-ee for poor Jerr-y." — I always do this. 

2nd. If you are to have a chum, take a 
young one, and you can have your own way 
by breaking him in yourself. — I always do. 

3rd. If the berths are over each other, let 
the young fellow climb, and do you take the 
lowest one ; it is better he should break his 
neck than you. — / always do. 

4th. All the luggage not required for im- 
mediate use is marked " below. " Don't mark 
yours at all, and you have it all in your own 
cabin, where you know where to find it when 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 183 

you want it. It is not then squeezed to death 
by a hundred tons of trunks. If you have not 
room in your cabin for it all, hint to your 
young chum he has too much baggage, and 
some of it must go "below." — I always do. 

5th. Don't talk French, it brings all those 
chattering, grimacing fellows about you. — / 
never do. 

6th. Make no acquaintance with women, on 
many accounts ; first, they have no business on 
board; and secondly, they are too troublesome. 
— i" never do. 

7th. Never speak to a child, or you can't 
get clear of the nasty little lap-dog-thing ever 
afterwards. — / never do. 

8th. Always judge your fellow passengers 
to be the opposite of what they strive to appear 
to be. For instance, a military man is not 
quarrelsome, for no man doubts his courage ; 
a snob is. A clergyman is not over strait- 
laced, for his piety is not questioned, — but a 
cheat is. A lawyer is not apt to be argumen- 
tative ; but an actor is. A woman that is all 
smiles and graces is a vixen at heart ; snakes 



. 



184 THE LETTER BAG 

fascinate. A stranger that is obsequious, and 
over civil without apparent cause, is treache- 
rous ; cats that purr are apt to bite and scratch 
like the devil. Pride is one thing, assumption 
is another ; the latter must always get the cold 
shoulder, for whoever shows it is no gentle- 
man ; men never affect to be what they are, 
but what they are not. The only man who 
really is what he appears to be, is — a gentle- 
man. — I always judge thus. 

9th. Keep no money in your pockets; when 
your clothes are brushed in the morning, it is 
apt — ahem — to fall out. — i" never do. 

10th. At table see what wine the captain 
drinks ; it is not the worst. — / always do. 

11th. Never be "at home" on any subject 
to stupid fellows, they won't " call again." — I 
never am. 

12th. Never discuss religion or politics with 
those who hold opinions opposite to yours; 
they are subjects that heat in handling until 
they burn your fingers. Never talk learnedly 
on topics you know, it makes people afraid of 
you. Never talk on subjects you don't know, 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 185 

it makes people despise you. Never argue, 
no man is worth the trouble of convincing ; 
and the better you reason, the more obstinate 
people become. Never pun on a man's words, 
it is as bad as spitting in his face; in short, 
whenever practicable, let others perform, and 
do you look on. A seat in the dress-circle is 
preferable to a part in the play. — This is my 
rule. 

13th. Be always civil, and no one will wish 
to be rude to you ; be ceremonious, and peo- 
ple cannot if they would. Impertinence sel- 
dom honours you with a visit without an invi- 
tation — at least / always find it so. 

14th. Never sit opposite a carving dish; 
there is not time for doing pretty.— / never 
do. 

15th. Never take a place opposite a newly- 
married couple. It is a great many things — 
tiresome, tantalising, disgusting, and so on. — 
/ never do. 

16th. Never sit near a subordinate officer of 
the ship ; they are always the worst served, 
and are too much at home to be agreeable. — 
/ never do. 



186 THE LETTER BAG 

17th. Never play at cards. Some people 
know too little for your temper, and others too 
much for your pocket. — i" never do. 

18th. There is one person to whom you 
should be most attentive and obliging, and 
even anticipate his wants. His comfort should 
be made paramount to every other consider- 
ation, namely, yourself. — / always do. 

There are many other corollaries from these 
maxims, which a little reflection will suggest 
to you ; but it is a rule never to write a long 
letter. — / never do. 

Yours always, 

John Stager. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 187 



No XVII. 

FROM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN TO HIS FRIEND AT 
BANGOR. 

Dear Ichabod, 
As I shall cut off to Harrisburg, Pa. to- 
morrow as soon as I land, and then proceed 
to Pittsville, Ma. I write you these few lines to 
inform you of the state of things in general* 
and the markets in particular. Rice is riz, 
tho' the tobacco market looks black; cotton 
is lighter, and some brilliant specs have been 
made in oil. Pots hang heavy in hand, and 
pearls is dull. Tampico fustic is moderate, 
and campeachy a 37 50-4 mos. Whalebone 
continues firm. Few transactions have taken 



188 THE LETTER BAG 

place in bar or pig, and iron generally is 
heavy. Hung dried Chili remain high, but 
Santa Marthas are flat. The banks and large 
houses look for specie, but long paper still 
passes in the hands of individuals and little 
houses in the city. This is all the news and last 
advices. But, dear Ich, what on airth are we 
coming to, and how will our free and enlight- 
ened country bear the inspection brand abroad ? 
Will not our name decline in foreign markets ? 
The pilot has just come on board, and inti- 
mated that the vice-president, the second 
officer of this first of countries, was not re- 
ceived with due honour at New York. He 
says that the common council could not ask 
him to thread an agrarian band of Fanny 
Wright men, Offin men, Ming men, and all 
other sorts of men but respectable men, for he 
would have had to encounter a slough of 
Loco-Focoism, that no decent man would 
wade thro'. It is scarcely credible that so 
discreditable an event should occur in this 
empire city, but it is the blessed fruit of that 
cussed tree of Van Burenism, which is rotten 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 189 

before it is ripe, and, unlike other poisonous 
fruit, is not even attractive in outward appear- 
ance, but looks bad, tastes bad, and operates 
bad, and, in short, is bad altogether. But of 
all the most appalling information I have re- 
ceived per this channel was that of the for- 
mation of twenty-four new hose companies. 
" What," said I, " twenty-four new hose com- 
panies ? is the stocking business going ahead ? 
Is it to cover the naked feet of the shoeless 
Irish and Scotch and English paupers, that 
cover with uncovered legs like locusts this 
happy land, or is it for foreign markets? 
Where does the capital come from ? Is it a 
spec, or has it a bottom?" " No," said he, 
shaking his head, " it is a dark job of the new 
lights, the Loco-Focos. To carry the election 
of chief engineer of the firemen, they have 
created twenty- four new companies of firemen, 
called hose companies, which has damped the 
fire and extinguished the last spark of hope of 
all true patriots. It has thrown cold water on 
the old fire companies, who will sooner resign 
than thus be inundated. This is the way the 



190 THE LETTER BAG 

radicals of England wanted to swamp the 
House of Lords by creating a new batch of 
Peers baked at once, tho' the persons for 
Peers were only half-baked or underdone, 
but they did not and were not allowed to glut 
the market that way. How is it this stale 
trick should become fresh and succeed here in 
this enlightened land, this abode of freemen, 
this seat of purity, and pass current without 
one solid genuine ingredient of true metal? 
It is a base trick, a barefaced imposition, a 
high-handed and unconstitutional measure. 
It is a paltry manoeuvre to swindle the firemen 
out of their right of election. Yes, Ich, the 
firemen are swamped, and the sun of liberty has 
gone down angry, extinguished in the waters 
of popular delusion. Then, for heaven's sake, 
look at Vixburg. Everything looks worse 
and worse there ; in several of the counties 
they have quashed all the bonds, in some 
there are no courts, in others the sheriffs 
pocket the money and refuse to shell out to 
any one. In one instance a man tried for the 
murder of his wife, escaped because he was 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 191 

convicted of manslaughter ; and in another, a 
person indicted for stealing a pig, got off 
because it was a chote. They ring the noses 
of the judges instead of the pigs, From 
cutting each other up in the papers, with 
pens, they now cut each other up in the 
streets with bowie knives, and, in my opinion, 
will soon eat one another like savages, for 
backbiting has become quite common. The 
constitution has received a pretty considerable 
tarnation shock, that's a fact. Van Burenism 
and Sub-Treasuryism have triumphed, the 
Whig cause has gained nothing but funeral 
honours and a hasty burial below low-water 
mark. In England, Biddle retiring from the 
bank has affected the cotton trade and shook 
it to its centre. They say, if it paid well, why 
did he pay himself off? If it was a loosing 
concern, it was a loss to lose him, but all are 
at a loss to know the reason of his withdraw- 
ing. I own I fear he is playing the game of 
fast and loose. The breaking of that bank 
would affect the banks of the Mississippi as 
well as the Ohio, and the country would be 



192 THE LETTER BAG 

inundated with bad paper, the natural result 
of his paper war with Jackson, the undamming 
by the administration of the specie dammed 
up by him for so long a period. Damn them 
all, I say. However, Ich, if we have made a 
loosing concern of it, the English have got their 
per contra sheet showing a balance against 
them too. They are going to lose Canada, see 
if they aint, as sure as a gun ; and if they do, I 
guess we know where to find it, without 
any great search after it either. I didn't 
think myself it was so far gone goose with 
them, or the fat in the fire half so bad, 
until I read Lord Durham's report; but he 
says, " My experience leaves no doubt on my 
mind, that an invading American army might 
rely upon the co-operation of almost the entire 
French population of Lower Canada." Did 
you ever hear the like of that, Ich ? By gosh, 
but it was worth while to publish that, wasn't 
it? Now, after such an invitation as that, 
coming from such a quarter too, if our folks 
don't go in and take it, they ought to be 
kicked clean away to the other side of sun 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 193 

down, hang me if they hadn't ought. Its 
enough to make a cat sick, too, to hear them 
Goneys to Canada, talk about responsible Go- 
vernment, cuss me if it aint. They don't know 
what they are jawing about, them fellows, 
that's a fact. I should like to know what's the 
use of mob responsibility when our most re 
sponsible treasures fobbed five millions of dol- 
lars lately of the public money, without wink- 
ing. — Where are they now ? Why, some on 
em is in France going the whole figure, and the 
other rascals at home snapping the fingers of 
one hand at the people, and gingling their own 
specie at them with the fingers of the other 
hand, as sarcy as the devil. Only belong to the 
majority, and you are as safe as a thief in a 
mill. They'll carry you thro' the mire at a 
round trot, as stiff as a pedlar's horse. It's 
well enough to boast, Ich, of our constitutors 
afore strangers, and particularly afore them 
colony chaps, because it may do good ; but I 
hope I may be most pittikilarly cussed if I 
wouldnt undertake to drive a stage-coach and 
four horses thro most any part of it at full 



194 THE LETTER BAG 

gallop. — Responsibility ! what infernal non- 
sense ; show me one of all our public defaul- 
ters that deserved hanging, that ever got his 
due, and then I'll believe the word has got 
some meaning in it. But the British are 
fools, thats a fact, always was fools, and al- 
ways will be fools to the end of the chapter ; 
and them are colonists arnt much better, I 
hope I may be shot if they are. The devil 
help them all, I say, till we are ready for them, 
and then let them look out for squalls, that's 
all. Lord, if they was to invade us as our 
folks did them, and we was to catch them, 
weed serve them as Old Hickory did Ambris- 
ilu T and Arbuthonot, down there to Florida 
line, hang em up like onions a dozen on a 
rope. I guess they won't try them capers with 
as ; they know a trick worth two of that, I'me 
athinking. I suppose you've heard the French 
took a pilot out of a British gun-brig ; when 
called upon for explanation, they said they 
took this man-of-war for a merchantman. No 
o-reat of a compliment that, was it ? but John 
Bull swallowed it all, though he made awful 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 195 

wry faces in getting it down. As our minister 
said, suppose they did make such a blunder, 
what right had they to take him out of a mer- 
chantman at all ? and if it was a mistake, why 
didn't they take him back again when they 
found out their error ? He was such an ever- 
lastin overbearin crittur himself in years past 
was John Bull, it does one good to see him 
humbled, and faith he gets more kicks than 
coppers now. It appears to me they wouldn't 
have dared to have done that to us, don't it to 
you 1 Then they took one of their crack steam 
frigates for a Mexican. Lord, that was ano- 
ther compliment, and they let drive into her 
and played the very devil. Nothing but ano- 
ther mistake agin, says Bullfrog, upon my 
vird and onare vary soary, but I did not know 
you, my goot friend ; no, I did not indeed — I 
took you for de miserable Mexican — you very 
much altared from de old time what went be- 
fore — vary. It was lucky for Johnny Croppo, 
our Ciineral Jackson hadn't the helm of state, 
or he'd a taught them different guess manners, 
I'm a thinking. If they had dared to venture 
k2 



196 THE LETTER BAG 

that sort of work to us in Old Hickory's 
time, I hope I may be skinned alive by 
wild cats if he wouldnt have blowed every 
cussed craft they have out of the water. 
Lord, Ich, he'd a sneezed them out, cuss me 
if he wouldn't. There is no mistake in Old 
Hick, I tell you. If he isn't clear grit-ginger 
to the back-bone — tough as whitleather, and 
spunky as a bull dog, it's a pity, that's all. I 
must say, at present, our citizens are treated 
with great respect abroad. His excellency the 
honble. the governor of the state off Quim- 
bagog lives at St. Jimses, and often dines at 
the palace. When they go to dinner, he car- 
ries the Queen, andMelbourne carries Dutchess 
Kent. Him and the Queen were consider- 
ably shy at first, but they soon got sociable, 
and are quite thick now. He told the com- 
pany there was a town to home called Vix- 
burg, after — (Melburne says ahem ! as a hint 
not to go too far — Governor winks as much 
as to say, no fear, I take you, my boy,) so 
called from Vix, scarcely, and burg, a city 
which place had become famous throughout 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 197 

America for its respect for the laws, and that 
many people thought there was a growing resem- 
blance between England and it. Melbourne 
seed the bam, and looked proper vexed ; and to 
turn the conversation, said, " Shall I have the 
honor to take wine with your Excellency Mister 
Governor of the State of Quimbagog in Ame- 
rica, but now a guest of her most gracious 
majesty?" They say he always calls it an honor 
when he asks him and pays him the respect to 
give him all his titles, and when he asks other 
folks, he says " pleasure," and just nods his head. 
That's gratifying now, aint it ? The truth is, 
we stand letter A. No. 1 abroad, and for no 
other reason than this — the British can whip 
all the world, and w.e can whip the British. 
When you write to England, if you speak of 
this ship, you must call her the Great Western 
Steamer, or it may lead to trouble ; for there 
are two Great Westerns.— this here ship, and 
one of the great men ; and they won't know 
which you mean. Many mistakes have hap- 
pened already, and parcels are constantly sent 
to his address in that way, that are intended 



198 THE LETTER BAG 

for America. The fact is, there is some truth 
in the resemblance. Both their trips cost 
more money than they were worth. Both 
raised greater expectations than they have 
fulfilled. Both returned a plaguy sight 
quicker than they went out ; and between you 
and me and the post, both are inconveniently 
big, and have more smoke than power. As 
soon as I arrange my business at Pittsville, I 
shall streak it off for Maine, like lightning, for 
I am in an everlasting almighty hurry, I tell 
you ; and hoping to see you well and stirring, 
and as hearty as brandy, 

I am, dear Ich, 

Yours faithfully, 

Elnathan Card. 

P.S. Keep dark. If you have a rael right 
down clipper of a horse in your stable, a doing 
of nothing, couldn't you jist whip over to Port- 
land on the 20th, to meet me, in your waggon ? 
If you could, I can put you up to a thing about 
oil ; in which, I think, we could make a con- 
siderable of a decent spec, and work it so as 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 199 

to turn a few thousand dollars slick. Gineral 
Corncob will accommodate us at the bank 
with what we want ; for it was me helped him 
over the fence when he was nonplushed last 
election for senator by the democratic repub- 
licans, and he must be a most superfine infer- 
nal rascal if he turns stag on me now. Chew 
on it, at any rate, and if you have a mind to 
go snacks, why jist make an arrand for some- 
thing or another to the Bay, to draw the 
wool over folkes eyes, and come on the sly, and 
you will go back heavier, I guess, than you 
came by a plaguy long chalk — that's a fact. 
Yours, E. C. 



200 THE LETTER BAG 



No. XVIII. 
letter from elizabeth figg to john buggins. 

Dear Brother, 
I never will believe nothing I hear till I see 
it — never. We are now in sight of America, 
which riz out of the sea this morning afore 
breakfast, and is nothing but a blue spec after 
all, and no bigger than a common hill ; and 
yet this is the land they say is so large that 
you have to travel through it by water. But 
this is the way strangers are always deceived 
by travellers' stories, that you don't know 
how much to set down fabulous, and how much 
to give credit to. I arrived in due course by 
coach at Bristol, the same day at night that I 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 201 

left London, and was picked up out of the 
bush by a cabman, who took me to the stairs : 
but he was a villain, like many more that I 
could name at Bristol as well as at other places. 
Says he, " Is it a single fair?" "No," says 
I, "I am married to John Figg this seven 
years." Says he, " I mean, is there any more 
to be took in ?" " No," said I, " I hope not — 
and I trust you are not agoing for to take me 
in, are you ?" — with that, he shot too the door 
with a grin, and got up on the box, and I 
heard him say, " She is a rum one that, that's 
sertain." When we got to Clifton he made 
me pay ten shillings. I wish you would see 
to it. He is a stout man, with a red face, 
and you'll know him by his waistcoat, which 
is red too. After that I took a voyage down 
the river to where the Great Western stood 
waiting for us — but gracious powers ! it was a 
floating station for a railway. Such a confu- 
sion no one did ever see. I was told, when I 
come on board, I should see a palace all fit for 
the queen— so elegant and so clean — the wood 
all gilding, and the moreens all silk, and the 
k5 



202 THE LETTER BAG 

rooms all state-rooms — and as for liquor, no- 
thing but hoe and shampain would go down — 
and everything you could think of, besides ever 
so much you never dreamed of all your life, all 
provided for your reception ; and the only 
objection was, the voyage was so short you got 
but little use of it for your money. Well I 
never ! — if it aint horrid to hoax people in that 
way, I declare ; but let them Bristol quakers 
alone for sly ones, I say : but I'll not get be- 
fore my story — you shall see for yourself how 
far things come up to the mark or not. I have 
been wretched uncomfortable in this steamer ; 
for what in the world is the use of all the 
gilding, and carving, and pictures, and splen- 
dour that ever was to you, when you are sick 
at the stomack ? Our cabin has two boxes in 
it called births ; tho coffins would be nearer 
the thing, for you think more of your other 
end at sea a great deal. One of these is 
situated over the other like two shelves, and 
these two together make what they call a 
state-room. What would they think at the 
real palace of such a state-room as this — of just 






OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 20.3 

a closet and no more, for the queen and her 
mother to sleep in — and no dressing-room, 
nor nothing — but you shall hear all. My 
birth is the uppermost one, and I have to 
climb up to it, putting one foot on the lower 
one, and the other away out on the washhand- 
stand, which is a great stretch, and makes it 
very straining — then I lift one knee on the 
birth, and roll in sideways. This is very in- 
convenient to a woman of my size, and very 
dangerous. Last night I put my foot on Mrs. 
Brown's face, as she laid asleep close to the 
edge of the lower one, and nearly put out her 
eye ; and I have torn all the skin off my knees, 
and then I have a large black spot where I 
have been hurt, and my head is swelled. To 
dismount is another feat of horsemanship only 
fit for a sailor. You can't sit up for the floor 
overhead ; so you have to turn round, and roll 
your legs out first, and then hold on till you 
touch bottom somewhere, and then let yourself 
down upright. It is dreadful work, and not 
very decent for a delicate female, if the stew- 
ard happens to come in when you are in the 



204 THE LETTER BAG 

act this way. I don't know which is hardest, 
to get in or get out a birth — both are the 
most difficultest things in the world, and I 
shall be glad when I am done with it. I am 
obligated to dress in bed afore I leave it, and 
nobody that hasn't tried to put on their clothes 
lying down, can tell what a task it is. Lacing 
stays behind your back, and you on your face 
nearly smothered in the bedclothes, and feel- 
ing for the eyelet-hole with one hand, and 
trying to put the tog in with the other, while 
you are rolling about from side to side, is no 
laughing matter. Yesterday I fastened on the 
pillow to my bustle by mistake in the hurry, 
and never knew it till people laughed, and 
said the sea agreed with me, I had grown so 
fat : but putting on stockings is the worst, for 
there aint room to stoop forward ; so you 
have to bring your foot to you, and stretching 
out on your back, lift up your leg till you can 
reach it, and then drag it on. Corpulent 
people can't do this so easy, I can tell you. 
It always gives me the cramp, and takes away 
my breath. You would pity me, if you could 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. '205 

conceive, John; but you can't — no, nobody 
but a woman can tell what a female suf- 
fers being confined in a birth at sea. Then 
I get nothing hardly to eat, for I sit be- 
tween a German and a Frenchman, and if I 
ask one to help me, he says, " Neat for stain," 
which means, I am afraid to dirt my fingers ; 
and the other keeps saying " Je non ton Pa," 
I aint your father ; and when I call steward, 
he says, " Yes, mame, coming directly," and he 
never comes at all. Then the doctor says, 
' Mrs. Figg, what will you take ? is there any- 
thing I can give you ?" He says this every 
day at dinner, and it kills me the very idea ; 
at last I said to him, " Do pray, doctor, don't 
mention it, I am sick enough already, and you 
really turn my stomach." O John ! I suffers 
more than mortal can imagine. The biscuit 
is as hard as a Dutch tile, and it is easier to 
crack a tooth than to crack that ; but may be 
it is only my weakness, and the vinegar tastes 
sweeter to me than the wine, but perhaps 
that's all owing to the sourness of my stomach. 
Indeed it's little that goes down my throat, 



206 THE LETTER BAG 

which seems to be turned upside down, and 
acts the other way. If all the passengers are 
like me, the captain will have a profitable 
voyage of it, I am sure, for I can neither eat 
nor drink anything ; and what I live on, gra- 
cious only knows, for I don't. We have had 
a terrific gale ever since we left, and the mo- 
tion is dreadful. You never see anything 
like the sea when it's fairly up, it's like a gal- 
loping boil, it froths and rolls over, and carries 
on tremendous. Sometimes it pitches into the 
vessel, and sometimes the vessel pitches into 
it, and sometimes they both pitch together, and 
then words is wanting to paint it out in true 
colours. At such times the trunks slide about 
the floor, as if they was on the ice, and it is 
as much as your legs is worth to be among 
them a minute. Everything I have is either 
wet or torn ; my new silk bonnet is all 
scruntched flat, by Mrs. Brown falling down on 
it, and what's worse is to have my bumbeseen 
looking no better than the cook's, it has got 
all soiled, and a great spot on it that I can't 
get off, do what I will. The place underneath 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 207 

is very hot, and the air so long confined that 
comes from there aint pleasant at all, it makes 
me feel very frail. But that aint the worst of it ; 
the doors are all painted so beautiful, and 
look so romantic, that they didn't like to 
number them for fear of spoiling the pictures 
on them, and it aint very easy to tell which 
is which, or whose is whose, and there is a 
great German officer always opening my door 
by mistake, and sometimes won't be convinced 
till he looks into my face ; and then its, " Oh ! 
I pegs porton, madam, I too indeed, I mish- 
tookt it for mine own, so I tid." It frightens 
me so, I am afraid to do anything amost for 
fear of his great whiskered face come popping 
in upon me. It is a dreadful life, dear John ; 
no one knows what it is but them that's tried 
it, and them too that's sea-sick and is females. 
The partitions, too, are so very thin, you can 
hear all kinds of noises just as plain as if it 
was in the same room, which is very inconve- 
nient and disagreeable. My next neighbour 
is a Frenchman ; he is very ill, and is always 
calling some Jew or another that never comes. 



208 THE LETTER BAG 

It is pitiable to hear him crying all day, " 
mon Jew, mon Jew!" Sometimes, just as I 
feel exhausted and quiet from weakness, he 
begins reaching so dreadful, that it sets me off 
again, and I think I shall never stop ; and as 
for the steward, as there is no bells and he is a 
mile off, you might as well call from Dover to 
Calais, and expect to be heard ; and if you 
catch a glimpse of another servant, he says, 
" Yes,marm," and you never see him again, or 
if you do, you don't know him, they are so nu- 
merous, and being Mullattoes you can't tell 
them apart. The black girls or ' jets does,' as the 
French call them, are so busy they do nothing 
at all but chase each other round and round. 
You want a gentleman at sea very much, more 
than anywhere else, and if poor Mr. Figg 
hadn't unfortunately had to leave England ra- 
ther unexpectedly, I shouldn't have been in 
such primminary as I am. You aint much 
better off on deck, for when the ship pitches 
or rolls, you are apt to loose your stool, and 
whatever happens at sea, either from a fall or 
getting in a spree, every body laughs. There 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 209 

is no symphony here for no one, and politeness 
is not the order of the day when people are 
not invited for company, but pay their way, 
and no thanks to any one. How times is altered 
with me since I was a belle, and all Hackney 
rung with my name and fortin, and it was whose 
arm I should take, and who should be the 
happy man, and smile was too much pay for 
any trouble, or rather when trouble was a plea- 
sure. Bumpers didn't mean what bumpers do 
now, and running bump agin you, and most 
knocking you over, is a very different thing 
from having your health drank in toast, the 
men all standing and unkivered, and having 
it done whenever opportunity offered. But 
men aint what men was, and a steamer aint a 
corporation ball, tho' they do call it a palace, 
nor nothing like it ; and altho' I am no longer 
Betsey Buggins that was, yet I am not much 
altered, unless it be I'm a little more " om 
bum point" than I was, which some people 
says is more becoming. Besides, being mar- 
ried looks as of no more consequence than 
dress, unless it should be my fortune to marry 



210 THE LETTER BAG 

agin, which Mr. Figg's declining health, I fear, 
renders not impossible, if ever I could bring 
myself to think of another, which aint proba- 
ble. But poor Figg is greatly changed, and 
enjoys very bad health ; he aint the same man 
he was, and has fell away to nothing until he 
is a mere atomy. But I trust in Providence, 
if yellow fever don't do for him, change of air 
will. Hoping this will find you in good health 
and spirits, 

I am, dear John, 

Your faithful servant, 

Elizabeth Figg. 

P.S. — If you see Mrs. Hobbs, tell her I am 
much beholden to her for her kindness, on 
saying Mr. Figg and me left England surrep- 
titious, on account of a derangement of affairs, 
but ill health of Mr. Figg, from being kept at 
it from morning to night, was the sole cause ; 
for, thank goodness, we can return when we 
please at any moment and enjoy ourselves, if 
he was only as able as he once was in bodily 
strength. As far as means goes we have it, and 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 211 

enough to spare to purchase her and Mr. Hobbs 
out any day, and set them up again, and not 
miss it. I most wonder some people aint 
ashamed to show their red faces, when it's well 
known that water never causes red noses ; but 
I scorn to retaliate on people that's given to 
such low habits, only some folks had better see 
the brandy blossoms on their own faces before 
they find beams in other people's characters. 
I hate such deceitful wretches as is so civil to 
your face, and the moment your back is turned 
find nothing too bad to say of you ; but she is 
not worth breath, and that's the truth. 

E. Figg. 



212 THE LETTER BAG 



No. XIX. 

letter from the son of a passenger. 

Dear Bob, 
Guess where I am, my boy. Do you give 
it up ? Well, I am on board the Great West- 
ern — I am, upon my soul. Father has gone to 
America, to take Bill, the Ceylon Missionary 
boy, home to his friends, and I am off with 
him in this steamer, and it's hurrah for Yan- 
kee town, and the Lord knows where all. . . . 
It's as good fun as a fair, and there is such a 
crowd all the time, you can do just what you 
please, and no one find you out. Sliding on 
the wet deck above the saloon, when the 
passengers are at dinner, makes it nice and 
slippery, and when they come up, not thinking 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 213 

of slides or anything of the kind, away they 
go, head over heels, all in a heap, such scream- 
ing among the girls, a showing of their legs, 
and such damning among the men, about 
greasy decks, you never heard. Then dropping a 
piece of orange-peel before a Frenchman, when 
he goes prancing about the deck, sends him fly- 
ing a yard or so, till he comes on all fours, 
where he wallops about like a fish just caught. 
But the best fun is putting shot under the 
feet of the camp stools, when nobody is look- 
ing ; it makes the women kick up their heels 
like donkeys. ... I have to give my old 
governor a wide berth, for he owes me a 
thrashing, but he is lame and can't catch me. 
He is proper vexed. I stole a leaf out of his 
sermon last Sunday, and when he came to the 
gap he stopt, and first looked ahead, and then 
back again, and at last had to take a running 
leap over it. My eyes, what a laugh there was ! 
The last words was " the beauty," and the 
next page began " of the devil and all his 
works." He coughed and stammered and 
blew his nose, and then coloured up as red as 



214 THE LETTER BAG 

a herring, and gave me a look as much as to 
say, " You'll catch it for this, my boy, I know ;" 
but there is one good thing about the old 
man too, he don't carry a grudge long. When 
he came back to his cabin, says he to the 
Ceylon boy, " William," says he, " these pas- 
sengers behave very ill, very ill indeed ; what 
made them laugh so when I was going into the 
cabin and coining out again ? They must be 
very loose people to behave in this unhand- 
some manner. It is very unbecoming. What 
were they laughing at, do you know ?" " At 
the white shirts of the negroes," says I, wink- 
ing to Bill ; but confound him, he wouldn't 
take a hint. " I believe it was this, sir," said 
Bill, who was always a spooney, taking up the 
back of his gown, and showing him a card I 
took off one of the boxes and stuck there, 
" This side up, to be kept dry.'" But the 
greatest fun I have had is with an old Ger- 
man, named Lybolt, of Philadelphia or Pen- 
sylvania, or some such place in the States. He 
sleeps next berth to us. Well, I goes and picks 
out a piece of putty in the partition just near 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 215 

his head, and when he is fast asleep snoring, 
lets drive a squirt full of water right into his 
face and mouth. " O mine Cot, mine Cot !" 
the old fellow sings out, " varte a leake dat 
is, I am all vet, so I am most trowned in my 
ped — steward, do kome here, steward." Well 
the steward comes, and he can't find the leak, 
for in the mean time I claps back the putty as 
snug as a bug in a rug. " Maybe you was 
sick in your sleep, and didn't know it," says 
the steward. " Cot for tarn, I tell you no ; 
it's vater, don't you see 1" " Or perhaps you 
spilt it out of the basin?" Teunder and 
blitzen, you black villain, do you mockey me, 
sir, what for you mean ?" and away goes the 
steward, and next day comes carpenter, and 
next night comes the squirt again. He'll go 
mad yet, will one ' Tousand Deyvils,' see if 
he don't. After dinner I gets down to the 
other end of the table, where the old governor 
can't see me, and gets lots of wine and good 
things, especially among the Jews. Them 
are the boys for champaine. I always un- 
derstood they were close-fisted curmudgeons 



216 THE LETTER BAG 

that wouldn't spend a farthing, but they tucks 
in the wine in great style. It would do you 
good to see them turning up the whites of 
their eyes, and taking an observation out of 
the bottom of their glass. I wouldn't be a 
slice of ham in them fellows way for some- 
thing. They eat and drink as if they never 
saw food before. But coining out of the com- 
panion way in a crowd in the dark, and giv- 
ing a pinch on the sly to the Mulatto girl on 
the stairs, till she squeals again like a stuck pig, 
and abuses the passengers for no gentlemen, 
and every one crying out shame, is great 
sport. There is a great big Irishman from 
Giant's Causeway, that has got the credit of 
it, and every American says it is just like an 
Irish blackguard that. If you could see the 
coloured servants, what looks they give old 
Potatoe, it would do you good. They'll 
murder him if they catch him in "New York. 
I wouldn't be in Pat's jacket for a shilling, I 
know. 

Bob, I wish you was here ; we'd have a 
noble time of it, if you was ; as it is, Bill is so 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 217 

cursed soft, and such a coward he won't join 
in a lark, and I am frightened out of my life 
for fear he will peach on me. I have threat- 
ened to cut the liver out of him if he does. 
I am almost afraid he has already, for the 
mate said to me to-day, " Come here, you 
young sucking parson you. If you don't give 
over cutting those shines, I'll make your 
breech acquainted with a bit of the halyards 
before you are many days older, I'me beggard 
if I don't ; so mind your eye, my hearty, or 
you'll catch it, I teHyou." "You will, will 
you," says I ; " you know a trick worth two 
of that, I'me a thinking, and if you don't, 
there's them on board will teach it to you. So 
none of your half laughs to me." I can't say 
I liked it; tho', for all that ; for he looks 
like a fellow that would be as good as his 
word, and if I do catch it, I will pay Master 
Bill off for it when I get him ashore, I'me 
blowed if I don't. There is nothing I hate so 
much as a tatler. 

Board ship is a fine place for old clothes ; 
what with tar and grease and tearing, you get 



218 THE LETTER BAG 

rid of them all in no time. I have made all 
my Sunday clothes old, and worn all my old 
ones out ; so that I shall come out in a new- 
rig at New York, as fine as examination 
day, and try for a long coat and French boots, 
if I can come round the old man. Remem- 
bering his texts and praising his sermons 
generally does that. I think I am too big 
now for short jacket and trousers. Jim Brown 
warn't so tall as me by half an inch when he 
gave them up, though he was a year older. Be- 
sides, in course, a long coat has more pocket 
money than a coatee, and servants don't treat 
you any longer as a child, and aint afraid to 
trust you with a horse. Now if I go to smoke, 
every one says, " Look at that brat smoking, 
what a shame it is for the parson to let that 
boy use a cigar !" just as if I hadn't as good 
a right as they have, the lubbers. O yes, 
dear Bob, I wish with all my heart you was 
here, it would make you split your sides 
a laughing to see how putting broken glass 
into boots makes fellows limp like beggars, 
and sing out for bootjacks ; and how running 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 219 

pins into cushions makes the women race off 
screaming' and scratching ; but there arn't so 
much fun when you have to do it all yourself, 
and no one besides to laugh with at the joke. 
It makes it dull sport, after all. I expect I 
shall be caught yet, but if I am, and had up 
for it afore the old governor, I will swear it 
was all Bill, for he deserves a hiding, the 
coward, for not joining in it. 

I am to have all holidays while I am gone, 
except a lesson every day in Latin grammar ; 
but I have been all over it before, so it will 
take no time at all to do it. When I get to 
New York I will write you again, and let you 
know what sort of a place it is, and how the 
Yankee girls look ; and if I get my long coat 
out of father, I'll have fine fun among them. 

I don't like to speak to them now, for a short 
coat looks foolish. Remember me to all the 
boys, and particularly to Betty housemaid, and 
believe me, dear Bob, 

Your faithful friend, 

Jim Trotter. 

l 2 



220 THE LETTER BAG 



No. XX. 

letter from the professor of steam and 
astronomy, otherwise called the clerk, 
to the directors. 

Gentlemen, 
A becoming consideration for my own cha- 
racter in literary attainments, which primarily 
procured for me the honour of an introduc- 
tion to the unincorporated board of directors 
of the Great Western, and their unanimous 
election to the situation I have the pleasure 
to fill, of principal in their academical school 
for scientific and nautical training of their 
junior officers, compels me to announce most 
reluctantly, but peremptorily and decidedly, 
that if it is intended to initiate those young 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 221 

gentlemen thoroughly in their profession, it 
must be effected on shore, and that this marine 
seminary will inevitably sink in public esti- 
mation, if kept afloat on board of the Steamer. 
It cannot be denied, with a due regard to 
truth and veracity, that the young gentlemen 
whose minds are fitted naturally with ' expan- 
sive gear,' have their astronomical and mathe- 
matical problems, at what is vulgarly called 
their finger ends, because everything that is 
approached by tarry fingers usually adheres 
to them pertinaciously ; but that is not the 
sort of acquirements most to be desired, nor 
can the calculations, which are so abstruse 
and difficult, be executed with accuracy and 
precision, where the jarring of the boat con- 
verts Os into 6ses, and Is into 3s, and so 
disfigures (if I may use the expression) 
every figure, that it is no longer to be recog- 
nised by the hand that traced its configuration. 
In the same manner, a complex motion, com- 
pounded of pitching, rolling, and vibrating, is 
utterly destructive and subversive of cer- 
tainty in taking meridional altitudes, espe- 



222 THE LETTER BAG 

cially when to these difficulties is added a 
speed of twelve miles an hour, with all steam 
on, and fifteen revolutions. The damp and 
moist exhalations evolved by water heated to 
419°, pervading the interior of the lecture 
room, by insinuating itself through the inter- 
stices and crevices of the ship, obliterate from 
the slates all traces or distinctness of arithme- 
tical and algebraical figures, and before calcu- 
lations are terminated, the primary part is 
obfuscated by the occultations of steam, and 
by the time assiduous application has restored 
it, we have the same mortification arising in 
the other extremity. Discouraging as these 
difficulties unquestionably are, they are al- 
together insignificant when compared to the 
obstructions arising from the noises produced 
by the vociferous bleating of calves and sheep, 
the incessant lowing of cows, the acute into- 
nations of swine, the cackling of poultry, the 
discordant voices of two hundred people, 
the uproar of the elements, the noise of the 
ponderous machinery, and the thunder of the 
ever-revolving wheels. Amidst these nume- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 223 

rous, complicated, and perplexing distractions, 
to abstract the attention, and apply it to 
abstruse studies, is an effort not to be ex- 
pected from juvenile minds and exuberant 
spirits, more especially when to learn implies an 
absence of knowledge, and the very act of re- 
sorting to a professor implies an insinuation of 
either overgrown ignorance in young men, or 
of boyish age incompatible with manly stature, 
either of which suppositions is repugnant to 
aspiring youth desirous to be classed among 
men, especially by women. There is no " indi- 
cator" that I know of to the machinery of the 
mind, and the only way of ascertaining re- 
sults, is to apply the " Canon " of seclusion 
" to cut off the stroke," as it is called, and 
mark the advance made, in relation to time and 
study given. A manifestation of reluctance, 
or rather resistance, to deferential respect to 
the superior attainments and acquisitions of 
the principal, is therefore to be expected, as 
much as it is to be deplored and lamented, as 
well for the young gentlemen on the one 
hand, as by the profession on the other ; for it 



224 THE LETTER BAG 

is obvious to the most superficial understand- 
ing of the Directors, that where there is no 
obedience there can be no authority ; and 
where no progress is made in studies, there 
can be only a corresponding absence of ad- 
vancement in learning. Unless the mind is 
well stored, and constantly kept in full em- 
ployment, it is apt to generate more " clinker" 
than anything else. The valves require daily 
overhauling, and the waste ones to be " dis- 
connected," or it is impossible to make any 
progress. Men who come dripping wet from 
their duties, are not in a fit state for dry 
sciences; and to be both officers and boys, 
juvenesque senesque, commanding on deck 
one moment, and obeying under deck the 
next approximate, is incompatible with human 
nature, and the working of the machinery 
of the mind. Steering in a straight line by 
point of compass, as is done in a steamer, is 
apt to superinduce upon the vacuum of youth- 
ful understanding, a belief that navigation is, 
what those young gentlemen facetiously and 
technically call " all in my eye ;" and that a 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN". I'lO 

direction once given lias only to be followed 
to attain the end of the voyage, by keeping 
the eye fixed steadily on the compass ; an 
opinion not more unfounded and irrelevant 
than unsafe and precarious, whether it regards 
the attainment of knowledge, or the discovery 
of the port or haven of ultimate destination. 

Female passengers, I may be permitted to 
observe, are too powerful magnets not to cause 
serious variations from duty in the young- 
men, and occasion them to camber or break 
down in life. Studying the needle is not the 
most important pursuit in the whole compass of 
duty, though it forms one of its most promi- 
nent ; and I am painfully convinced the 
cadets, who may be said to be in their sum- 
mer solstice, are more desirously solicitous 
about their own figures (which is the zenith 
of their ambition) than mathematical ones, and 
such conduct must inevitably reduce them to 
the nadir of mere ciphers. This sort of dis- 
traction w r as so well known to the great 
lexicographer, that he has most appropriately 
and appositely added it by way of insinuation 
l 5 



226 THE LETTER BAG 

to most words implying youthful errors — mis- 
hap — mistake — misfortune — misunderstand- 
ing — mischief — misled — misery, and many 
others. Here they are exposed more than any 
other place I know of to the blandishments of 
the sex, and I know not how it is, but I have 
often observed that there is a natural, an alli- 
terative, and perhaps chemical affinity be- 
tween petty officers and pettycoats : — 

Dulce ridentem Lalagen amabo 
Dulce loquentem. 

Indeed, by the universal laws of motion, 
the amount of attraction is directly as the 
quantity of matter, and inversely as the squares 
of the distances, which shows how all pervad- 
ing it must be on board of ship. To attempt 
a course of study with young men under such 
noxious and powerful influences as female 
eyes, is as unwise and unsafe as for white men 
to attempt field operations in the sun in the 
West Indies. Nothing impinges more seri- 
ously on studies. It has a tendency to make 
them romantic, which in ^Esthetics is equally 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. '1'li 

at variance -with the antique and classic lore. 
Had the directors been younger men them- 
selves, and understood the rhabdomancy of the 
mind, as well as they do of commerce, they 
would have felt the impropriety of exposing 
their cadets to the pestilential miasmata of 
such an atmosphere of female allurements, 
which may very appropriately be called " the 
milky way" of Cupid. In the descent down 
the inclined plane of character, induced by 
these causes, if good instruction offer any 
resistance, that resistance ought to increase in 
a high ratio with the speed. The motion of 
i a train of dissipation commonly continues to 
be accelerated, until it obtains a velocity, which 
produces a resistance from good principles, 
such as, combined with the friction of discipline, 
is equal to the gravitation down the plane. 
Adopting a semi-naval uniform for these youth- 
ful votaries of science, and giving them the 
rank and title of cadets, the insignia of an 
office which the emulous and now awakened 
people of Bristol pronounce to be superior to 
a similar grade in her Majesty's service ; per- 



228 THE LETTER BAG 

mitting them to wear the gold-lace band on 
the cap, and acceding to them the seducing 
gilt button with the emblematical letters G. W. 
on them, has infused too much caloric into 
their juvenile aspirations for female approba- 
tion, and they are unwilling that such graceful 
and elegant young officers should be mistaken 
for disciples of a pedagogical establishment. 
Their predilections are strong to drop a com- 
parison in their own favour with the W. S.'s of 
Edinboro',and there is a supercilious daring in 
their haughty carriage, as if, in the event of an 
action with the enemy, they would stand by 
their boiler, and keep up the steam unhesi- 
tatingly and unremittingly till they died. 
But this is not the only evil attending the 
progress of science in this ship, as refers to my 
situation as principal. There is another joint 
out of place, to use a familiar expression, at 
" flange;" the office of librarian, which has been 
unsolicited by me, but conferred voluntarily 
and handsomely, as an honorary appointment 
in consequence of there being no salary attached 
to it, is one which is accompanied by a corres- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 229 

ponding unsatisfactory result. So little atten- 
tion is often paid to orthography in the written 
orders of the passengers for books, that it is 
approximate to impossible to comprehend what 
they mean ; added to which, for want of cata- 
logues, the demands are invariably for books 
not contained in the library, which leads to 
disappointment in the first instance, renewed 
vexation in the second, and not unfrequently 
in the third to impatience, if not impertinence. 
It is in vain that I deprecate explicitly that I 
am answerable for the books only which are 
placed here by the literary committee of the 
Directors, and not for those not ordered by 
them, which would involve an absurdity. The 
blank page at the beginning and end of each 
volume is invariably abstracted, which is a 
most singular selection, and proves the illi- 
terate condition of the passengers, for there is 
nothing of course to read upon it, while the 
outside wrapping-cover shares the same fate. 
Yet, forsooth, these are the men who say the 
library is not varied and copious enough to 
meet the increased advancement of the age. 



230 THE LETTER BAG 

Were it not that my anger is " blown off" 
occasionally upon the cadets, these passengers 
would be in danger of " an explosion" that 
would astonish them, for passion is " generated 
faster" than is safe for them, by their ignorance. 
But, gentlemen, there is another subject which 
delicacy suggests to be passed over in silence, 
while a due sense of the value of science, the 
inextinguishable debt of gratitude owed to it 
by innumerable steam companies, and an ap- 
preciation of self-respect, compels me to a 
reference ; I mean the assignment to me of 
some other duties, not necessary to enumerate, 
but which are within the cognizance of the 
directors, and reduce me to the situation of an 
humble clerk, a name, indeed, which many 
people, and I am sorry to add the Captain 
himself, sometimes apply to me, from the 
habit of absolute command which he acquired 
in the navy. Among many I would only 
notice one, namely, to stand by and see the 
young gentlemen draw their water, which, it 
appears by the Nero-like regulation of the 
board, emanated from your honourable body, 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 231 

and is at once painful and degrading, more 
particularly to see that water measured, and to 
keep cocks under locks and keys, for fear of 
wasting the precious liquid. The water-casks, 
I conceive, might more properly be under the 
charge of the culinary artist or cook, whose 
occupation is more connected with the hydro- 
scope than that of a learned professor. This is a 
subject on which, though it is a desideratum 
to be moderate, " the connecting rods and 
inner plummer block brasses" of my temper 
always " work hot," and my own reason is in- 
sufficient to reduce the temperature of them, 
or to " keep heavy bearings cool." Such ser- 
vices are incompatible with the rank and 
station of a lecturer on astronomy and mathe- 
matics, inconsistent with the duties of my pro- 
per office, and derogatory from the specific 
gravity and dignity of the liberal sciences. 
Under these painful circumstances, I would 
suggest a removal of the seminary to Clifton, 
where it could be enlarged to accommodate the 
students of other ships, and where practical 
navigation could be taught in all its branches 



232 THE LETTER BAG 

by the aid of a few experimental trips on that 
sinuous and difficult, but most beautiful of 
rivers, the Severn. Nothing can be done 
without strict discipline. Screwing up the nuts, 
detaching loose bolts, tightening the slide pack- 
ings, drag-links, and other bearings of the mind, 
or the waste valves, will let off instruction as 
fast as it is supplied. Should this suggestion 
not be acceptable, I beg leave to resign the 
commission I have the honour to hold from 
the board, after due consideration of the heavy 
responsibility of my position, and a full review 
of all the consequences immediate and ultimate. 
Should it involve any material want of confi- 
dence in the public in this great steamer, or 
detract from the pre-eminent rank of this 
splendid ship in the scale of the European 
mercantile marine, I can only deplore so sad 
a result to the stockholders, which that they 
may avert by a timely application of prepara- 
tory measures, is the ardent aspiration of 
Your most devoted humble servant, 

Peter Quadrant. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 233 



No. XXI. 

LETTER FROM MOSES LEVY TO LEVI MOSES. 
Ml DEERSH FRENT, 

Veil, hear I am on pord te Crate Weshtern, 
shet up liksh a toq, and so shick to ma shto- 
mac as a pompsh te live longsh tay. Vare it 
all comsh from I don't know, shelp ma Cot, 
for I can't shwaller noting at all, and have 
got noting in me dat I knowsh of, and yet it 
comsh and comsh as if tere wash no ent to it, 
like a shpring, dat runsh ofer all te time, ant 
never shtopsh for roneink. Ma trowsher ish 
too larsh for ma, I have fell away sho, and 
looksh as if tey washn't made for ma, vitch is 
tru, for I bought em from Bill Gubbinsh, 
but den tey fitted me ash well as if tey wash, 



234 



THE LETTER BAG 



and sho ma coat hanks ash loose ash a pur- 
sher's shirt on a hantshpike ; ant my tonke is 
all furred up vid nap lonker den vat is on ma 
hat, blow ma tight if it aint. Veil den, varte 
am I to do ? I can't shet no lonker to cards to 
play den de teal, and den I am oblished to 
cut and rhun ; and so soon ash I kets pack 
and taksh up te cards, it comesh akain, ant I 
have no more time den to trow town te cartsh, 
and off and trow up te shick. Oh mine Cot ! 
put tish too pad ash ever you did she, and 
worsher too, it would pe petter to die ash to 
live longk dish vay. But dat ish not de 
worsht needer, for I looshes te monish, by 
tinking more of maself dan de cartsh, ant 
comink ant goink, up ant town, backwart 
and forwart, te whole plessed time, and no 
resht for mintingk te came and pettingk ven a 
hoppertunita hoffers vitch is goot, and ote to 
be sheesed upon ; and I can't trusht ma 
memory no more ash to nopoty elsh, for it is 
shick too, I do peleeve, and won't host notingk 
no more ash ma stomack, and varte dey getsh 
dey can't keep, and vat dey keepsh ish no 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 235 

coot, and would be more petter if dey didn't 
keep. Veil, 'tis a pity too, strikesh ma turn if 
it hishn't, for she is a fary expenshive sheep is 
te Crate Weslitern ; te passage cosht a crate 
teal of monisk, more ash forty-two shovereings, 
and tere ish a nople chansh amonk sho many 
reshpectable and rish shentlemansh to do 
bishness ; playing, and petting, and shelling, 
and shanging, and pying, and sho on, speshi- 
ally at night, ven de viskey kome in and te 
caushin go out. Oh tear, oh tear ! put 'tis too 
pad, I am so tampt mishfortunate, ash not for 
to be aple to do noting no more ash a child, I 
am sho shick te whole time, and more tead 
ash alive, and more onelokey as tead. De 
teyvil take te she shickness, I shay, I woodn't 
take anoter voyage to shave ma life, shelp ma 
Cot ! I mosht afraid America ish no conetry 
for te Jewsh, no more ash Scotland ish, vitch 
hash notink in it at all put pride, ant poverty, 
ant oatmeal, ant viskey. Te Yankee all 
knowsh too much for us, and too much wide 
awake, and so sharp ash a needle at making 
von pargain, vitch give no chansh at all to a 



236 THE LETTER BAG 

poor Jew to liff. Den dey have no prinches, 
nor noples, nor rish lorts vat spend de monish, 
before he pecomes tu, and runsh in debt, and 
give ponds, ant mortgage, ant premium, for 
te loan, and asksh no questions bout te cosht 
so lonk as he gets varte monish he wantsh. 
Den dere rail-roat stocksh, and pank stock, 
and state stock, are just fete for to loshe all 
vat you putsh into dem, or elsh dey would pay 
dem demselves if dere wash anytink at all for 
to pe mate in dem, vitch tere aint, and dey 
knowsh it so well ash I do, and more petter 
tu. Dish lettare vill be shent by a prifit hop- 
portunita till Sprink Rish altare te postage to 
von penny. He got it too high pefore, and 
now he cot it too low, put dat is hish look out 
and note mhine ; but ven a lettare cosht no more 
ash von penny I will write you more regular 
as I to now, and not cosht you so much monish 
needer ash at present time. 

Your frient, 

Levi Moses. 
To Mr. Moses Levi. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 237 

Poskt Schript. — Oh mine Cot ! if I haven't 
tun te pishness sinsh I rote vat ish rhitten 
apove, itsh a pity, dat's all. I aint no more 
onwell but petter ash nefer, and I wund pack 
all my passage monish, and two shovereigns 
more, ant a half shovereign, and two shillings, 
three pence, at carts, besidge five pounds of a 
pet, and here he ish all shafe and shound in 
mine pocket, and he don't go out vid my leaf, 
till he preeds and hatches more to keep up te 
preed of young shovereigns. Oh, put I liksh 
to put my hant in mine preetches pocket and 
feel him, and count him ofer, and see he is 
shafe and shound. 

Ven I valksh te teck up and town, and up 
and town pack again, peeplesh shay, Mishter 
Moshes, dey shey, varte pleash you sho, make 
you look so tamt goot-natured to-day ? and I 
shay, Oh, he feels goot ant mush petter ash he 
wash. I got te medecine here dat cure de she 
shickness and shet me right again, and den 
my hant vat is in my pocket he pats de shove- 
rains vat is in mine preeches on de heat ; and 
I tink to maself, good poys dem shovereigns, 



238 THE LETTER BAG 

vary goot poys, and has no more dutiful sub- 
sheets nor lovingh frients vat is font of tern 
dan me. Veil den I shell all my boxesh of 
shigars to te stewart, when he gets out of 
shtock, by reashon of te lonk voyage, and 
hash no more left, and no plashe to go to to 
puy dem. I shell em, pecause I wash too ill 
to shmoke em maself, and hadn't no more ush 
for em, and he knowed no petter, for he is a 
fool, and don't know vat monish ish, nor de 
shentlemans needer ; put I do, I hope, or elsh 
my name ishn't 

Levi Moses. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 239 



No. XXII. 

from a servant of a family travelling 
to astoria. 

Dere Susan, 
When I tuk leve of you the last Sundy nite 
we spent at White Condnt, I had no highdear 
I was going so sun to take leve of dere Old 
England. But so it is — Strang things do 
sumtims turn up, as Tummus said when Betty 
housemaid was found floating on the river. 
Missus has married a clutchyman who is sent 
out by the Society to propergate in furrin 
parts, and they have a birth on bord the Great 
Westurn, and so have I. It looks like a cell 
in New Gate, only clener, were poor Georg 
was lodged for putting Lady Ann's watch in 



240 THE LETTER BAG 

his pocket, by mistake, for his hone, but he 
was always an absent man before he went to 
Bottiny was Georg. They call it a burth, 
because it's a new life on bord ship, and is like 
beginning of the world agin, and takes grate 
nussing before you can eat. It is the most in- 
convenientest place I ever saw. The sealing 
is so lo in places you can't walk up right, and 
you get a stroke every now and agin, when 
you least expect it, across your forhed, that 
you think will dash your brains out. It is a 
think to leve dere Old England, its halters and 
fares, and churches and theatres, for the wil- 
derness, and the hethen ; but then Lundun is 
a poor place, for the likes of me as would per- 
fer sumthink better than mere sweet-hart- 
ing. Standing at airys and talking to the 
butler, or perhaps the young master at the 
next number, is very plesent, but then it 
seldom ends satisfactory, for they don't often 
fulfil ; and if you remind them of their pro- 
ter stations, the perfigious wretches say they 
never ment nothing but in the way of ser- 
vility; and if you go for to take on, why 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 



241 



they take themselves off directly, and desart 
you, and nothing is left but artburnings, 
unless it is the surpentine to put it out. 
Going abroad gives wun an oppurtunity to 
see the wurld, and visit places where men 
isn't so hartificial as in Lunclun, and promises 
ain't made on purpus to be broke, and harts 
go for nothing xcept to be trumpt in tricks, as 
poor Tummus used to say at wist. But still 
it do give wun menny a sad our thinking of 
appy days past, and friends left behind, be- 
sides them as left us ; it brings teres in my 
eyes when I am alone in bed, and makes me 
think of throwing up at New York and return- 
ing, but I resorts to the good buck at sitch times, 
and finds consholation in it. The deck of this 
vessell is as crowded as Regent Street arter lamp 
light. There are sum very interresting men on 
bord, one of them they call a ' pole,' tho' why 
I am sure I don't know, for I think some of 
them as say so behind his back are poor 
' sticks' themselves. He is a very pretty man, 
with a beautiful curly moustouchio, and black 
whiskers, and sings so sweet it is quite charm- 



242 THE LETTER BAG 

ing. I don't know whether his Christian 
name is North or not, but I over hear them 
talking a good dele about Northpole, and that 
government offered a large sum to any body 
as would get round him — ten thousand pound, 
I believe. He don't speak much English, but 
he talks very perlite to me, and bows very 
handsum ; and oh how bright his eyes are ! 
They affect one so, that people do say no 
needle was ever none to wurk nere him, his 
attractions is so grate. I wunder if Lord 
Melburne or Norman boy would give me the 
reward if I was to get round him — I'me shure I 
could do it, for he squeezed my hand twise ; 
and the last time would a had his hone round 
me if missus hadn't a been dimming. I 
dremed of the ten thousand pound all nite — oh 
dear what a prize that would be for poor 
Mary ! We are to go to New York fust, and 
then in a to bote dragged after orses heles, 
and thru locks, and gates, and waist ways, 
and summit of hills, and dales, and I don't 
know what all, to a place they call Mont-tree- 
all, because it's all a forest. Then we are to 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 243 

be shoved for twenty days by Frenchmen, up 
a stream with long poles, who sing songs to 
kepe time. This part they say is very plea- 
sant, only you get tired of it, for too much of 
one thing is good for nothing, as poor dear 
Tummus used to say when he had anything to 
do. Then we are to cum amung saviges, 
horrid creatures, all naked, xcept a little, very 
little clothing, like the nasty Scotch pipper 
that used to play in our airy, and wore no 
trowsers, only an apron, and that ridiculous 
short too. They have long knives that are 
dredful to look at, and things they call tommy 
oxes, to cut airy scalps with, and they are to 
guide us out of the wudes, and hunt for us. 
Pretty guides them, as master says, to shew 
us the way we are to walk in. Then comes 
the desert, and that lasts a month — only think 
of a hole month of a desert ! We must wait 
to lye in, before we proseed, provision for the 
journey, and then we must sleep out of clores 
every nite, with nuthing over us but sky, and 
nuthing under us but earth, and nuthing in 
us but cold wittals. I am afraid I shall never 
m 2 



244 THE LETTER BAG 

survive them savages. When the sun goes 
down we are to camp together, bundling they 
call it, the women in the middle, then the 
men, and then the saviges to keep off the 
wolves, and bares, and wild beasts. It's a 
dredfull undertaking, isn't it 1 how I shall 
make shift to get on I don't know ; it terrifies 
me to think of it. Last nite I dreamd of it, 
for this part sleeping in public haunts me like 
a gost, and I dremed I saw a lion with grete 
glaring eyes, and felt his big heavy paw on 
me ; and I woke up with frite, trembling all 
over like an asspin ; and what do you think it 
was, Susan 1 It was only the hand of the 
stewart feeling if the light was out, for all 
lites are xtinguished at ten o'clock. He is a 
verry nise man the stewart. Will, then, after 
all that cum sum grate mountings, the verry 
idear of which terrify me. They will take 
several months to get over, on account of the 
stones. They call them the rocky mountings. 
The trees are 2 hundred feet high, and snow 
I don't no how high. Missus says if I pesist 
in going through the travail, and remain 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 245 

three years with them, I shall have a pinching 
from the Society for propogating in furrin 
parts, of ten pounds a year, and be safe de- 
livered in England, free of expense, when my 
time is out. 

After going over the Rocky, we desend 
tother side to a place they call Astoria, which 
is to be our home while we are abroad. This 
place is called a factory, tho' nothing is made 
there but munny, a trading in furs, and they 
aint so plenty there as they used to be, for the 
wild beasts is getting " up to trap " now, and 
won't cum to be cort. They keep " fur " off 
now. I'll get a muff or a tippit here of bare 
skin or of otter, which smells so well. The oil 
of that animal is what you buy so dere in 
Lundun in sent bottles ; but, o dere, I furgets, 
what's the use of smelling sweet, if there is no 
one to smell you but yourself? Who marster is 
to preach to when he gets there I don't no, 
xcept it is to missus and me, and the rest of 
the family ; and if he goes for to preach to her, 
she'll give him such a lecture as he has no 
notion of, that's sertain ; for she gave master 



246 THE LETTER BAG 

that is dead and gone a dreadful time of it 
here below ; and as for ine, my morals can't 
he no better ; and besides, when we are out of 
the wurld, as a body might say, what in the 
wurld is the clanger of temptation when there 
is nobody to tempt you ? Them horrid Indgians 
wont understand him, nor them French void 
jeers neither; and besides they are papists and 
wont cum. That's just the way with these 
sailors. Last Sunday, when they was ordered 
to prayers, they agreed to say they was catho- 
lics, and had scribbles of conscience ; for they 
can't force them to cum now, since O'Connell 
is made pope and prime minister, and the 
captain said, very well, they are excused then. 
Three years away ! oh, deary me ! what a long- 
time that is to be away, aint it, Susan, and me 
twenty-five years old already ? How lonesum 
I shall be ! nobody but master, and missus, 
and the doctor, and the two clarks, and me, 
in the house. The governor, and the people 
that are our next-door neighbours, live five 
hundred miles off. Mr. Campell, the clerk, is 
a very handsome young man. He is to travail 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 247 

with us. He takes grate notice of me when 
nobody is a noticing of him — a slipping into 
the hole, every chance he gets, of the vessel — 
a pretending to study mysheenery. Says he, 
the other day, " My dear, I wish I knew the 
rode to your hart." " Well, sir," said I, " it 
lies thro' the church-door." Says he, " I like 
you for that answer, my dear; for it shows you 
are a gud gurl, such an uncommon pretty gurl 
as you (he said uncommon, I assure you — I am 
certain I can't be mistaken) — such an uncom- 
mon pretty gurl — (it was verry sivil of him to say 
so, when, after all, I really do not think I am so 
verry, verry pretty) — such an uncommon pretty 
gurl as you are, must take care of yourself;" 
and then putting his face close up, said, 
" Never let any body whisper to you, or they 
can't help doing as I do — kiss you ;" and be- 
fore I could reprove him he was off and into 
the cabin. It quite flustered me. Yesterday, 
I overheard him tell missus, the governor 
had promised him " to bring him in a 
partner this year." Who can she be ? We 
have nobody on board a going there but 



248 THE LETTER BAG 

little me, and I am poor and at sarvice, 
and nothing but my face for my fortune, but 
then havent just as strange things happened ? 
Didn't our butler that was marry his young 
missus that was, and didn't his young missus 
marry him ? If they are to " bring him a 
partner" this year they must do it now, or his 
partner will never get there — it will be too 
late in the season. Oh I wouldn't mind the 
mountings nor the rapids, nor the desert, nor 
anything, if that was to be the end of all my 
travail. If so be this should turn up honor 
for trump card, don't fear, Susan, I shall be 
proud and pretend not to know you or keep 
company with you, because nothing will ever 
make me forget you ; and don't you, for the 
world, ever say a word about them earrings 
the jew boy got blamed for, or the worked 
collar the beggar-woman took, as missus 
thort : but as for Robert carrying his head so 
high after deserting me, and saying he did so 
because leave-taking was painful, and me 
running such risks hiding him in the laundry, 
I'll let him know his place, I can tell him, 



OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 249 

and never let him go for to dare as much as 
for to luck at me again, the hard arted retch, 
or I will call pellise to him — see if I don't. I 
shall turn over a new life in America. It 
don't do to be too confiding with men, they 
think only of their hone, and not other peo- 
ple's ends ; and the next one as thretens to 
drown himself as Robert did, may jist do it 
for all I care, it wont deceive me agin. 
Lusing a butler is no such grate matter as 
lusing wuns pease and karacter. Tell him he 
is dispisable for a gay deceiver, and that if I 
ad him with me forty days and nights in the 
desert, I'd leve him there for his parjury, a 
pray to the stings of sarpants and his hone 
conscience. Drinking satturn and my dearer 
wine of his master don't justify him to kiss 
and desert poor gurls as if he was a gentle- 
man born : such airs are verry misbecumming 
one in his station, and he deserves a good 
kicking for his imperence, the retch. As 
sune as my travail is over, and I reach at last 
this distant country Astoria, I will rite you 
another letter by a male that goes every six 
m 5 



250 THE LETTER BAG 

months chasing wales, and tell you whether 
I am cumming on with Mr. Campbell, and 
about the bare skin furs, and the sense of the 
otters, and so on. And now, dere Susan, 
hopping that you and William Coachman 
continues to set your horses well together, I 
remain your faithful friend, 

Now and for ever, 

Mary Pool. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN". 251 



No. XXIII. 
The Misdirected Letter, No. I. 



letter from a colonist to his brother. 

My Dear and Hon. Father, 
I have the pleasure to acknowledge your 
letter of the first of February last, giving- me 
the gratifying intelligence of the health of my 
dear mother and yourself; and upon receipt 
of it lost no time in complying with your 
wishes for my return, by embarking at once 
for New York in the Great Western. Your 
indulgence to me upon all occasions requires. 



252 THE LETTER BAG 

even if I were not actuated by a higher 
motive, that I should implicitly follow your 
instructions, which I am aware are only dic- 
tated by an anxious solicitude for my welfare, 
and I hope you will do me the justice to 
believe that the ready obedience I have shown 
in this case, even at a time when an affection 
of the lungs required medical treatment, is a 
proof of my desire to meet your wishes in all 
things and upon all occasions. The dampness 
of .the climate in England has operated rather 
unfavourably upon my lungs, and a succession 
of colds has rendered it necessary for me to 
consult an eminent physician, whose enor- 
mous and extravagant charges (which I un- 
derstand are always more so to strangers) 
have made me draw largely upon my letter of 
credit : but I knew that I should not please 
you unless I took the best advice, let it cost 
what it would. Indeed my general expenses 
have been larger than I could have wished. 
London is an excessively expensive place to 
live in, and although I have had neither the 
inclination nor, I may add, the means for 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. '253 

extravagance, yet I fear iny expenditure will 
appear large to you, for notwithstanding the 
doctor's fees, (which is an unforeseen and 
indispensable item,) the result without that 
is altogether too large for a person of my 
regular and retired habits. You will be 
surprised to hear that, young as I am, I have 
only been to the theatre once, but that was 
once too often ; and indeed I should not have 
felt a desire to go at all, had it not been for 
your repeatedly expressed wish that I should 
see whatever was worth seeing in London, 
that my travels might be productive of useful 
information as well as amusement. To tell 
you the truth, I have some scruples as to the 
propriety of visiting such places at all. On 
that occasion I had the misfortune to be run 
over in the street by a cab, and was severely 
stunned and bruised ; and when I came to, I 
found that I had been relieved by some of the 
light-fingered gentry of the metropolis of the 
beautiful fifty guinea watch you were so kind 
as to give me, and also a quarter's allowance 
which I had received that day from my 



254 THE LETTER BAG 

banker. I admit I ought not to have carried 
that money about me, but that I do not re- 
gret, for economy will easily replace it ; but this 
token of your regard I valued more than the 
money, as a remembrance of you, and had 
hoped to have kept it through life, to remind 
me of the value of time, of the kind friend 
and monitor that gave it, and as a pledge of 
parental affection. But Providence has or- 
dained it otherwise, and I must submit to that 
which I cannot control. Had I not been 
deprived of all sensation, I would have parted 
with my life sooner than with that little keep- 
sake. The doctors, I am sorry to say, seem to 
think that the affection of my lungs has been 
increased by the injury I have received. I 
have made a valuable addition to my medical 
library, upon which I have spent what most 
young men of my age would have consumed 
upon their pleasures. I shall leave the books 
to follow, and hope they will arrive safe. 

I look forward with the greatest pleasure 
and anxiety to see you all again, and shall 
hurry home again as fast as possible to resume 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 255 

the study of my profession in my native place, 
where, .with your powerful connexion and 
valuable advice, I make no doubt I shall 
fulfil all your expectations. To qualify myself 
for thus entering upon the duties of life, I 
have lost no opportunity of attending the best 
lecturers at the several hospitals. It gives me 
the greatest pain to hear from you that my 
brother Tom is inclined to dissipation and 
extravagance. I was always afraid that such 
would be the result of your too indulgent 
allowance, which it is never prudent to en- 
large as you have done, for a young man of 
his gay temperament. If I find on my return 
that he persists in these courses, I shall be 
under the necessity of withdrawing in a great 
measure from his society, for evil communica- 
tions, according to an old proverb, have 
unquestionably a deleterious influence on the 
manners and principles. I have bought you 
a very improved pair of patent spectacles, 
which I think you will find very useful ; and 
also a newly-invented ear-trumpet for poor 
dear mother, which I hope you and she will 



256 THE LETTER BAG 

do me the favour to accept and wear for the 
sake of, dear and honoured father, 

Your most affectionate and dutiful son, 
Arthur Snob. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 



No. XXIV. 

The Misdirected Letter, No. II. 

a colonist to his father. 

My dear Tom, 
You will be surprised to hear I am on 
board the Great Western instead of coming 
direct to Quebec, but I intend to run the 
full length of my tether, and have made up 
my mind to have a lark in the States before I 
come back. What the old cove will say to 
this I do not know, but I have written a let- 
ter to him by this packet that will effectually 
hoodwink him, I hope : it is quite in his own 

style, and as good as be d d. I have had 

a glorious time of it, both in London and Paris, 
and have gone the whole figure ; but it has cost 



258 THE LETTER BAG 

so much money, I am afraid to add it all up. 
How the devil to account for this expenditure 
to our old governor, I don't know ; for, be- 
sides ordinary expenses, I have had a job for 
the doctor, my health having materially suf- 
fered by my dissipations. I have wiped out 
part of this by swearing I was run over and 
robbed of a quarter's allowance, and the gold 
watch he gave me, which I left in pawn ; and 
have accounted for the doctor's part by an 
inflammation of the lungs from the damp cli- 
mate, while another part I have set down to 
books, which of course will never arrive. For 
heaven's sake look out for the name of some 
vessel that has foundered at sea, or been 
wrecked, and cargo lost, that I may fix on her 
for having my library on board. What to say 
for the rest I positively do not know, can't you 
help me? Try and think it over, that's a 
good fellow, for something must be done, or 
the old man will play the devil with me when 
I return. Lord, I thought I should have died 
a laughing once, in Paris, dancing one sun- 
day afternoon with a Grisette in the Champs 



OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 259 

I 

Elisees, where there was a splendid hop, and 
thinking- if my old evangelical father was to 
see me, how it would make him stare with all 
his eyes. He would have edified his saints 
for a month by this instance of backsliding, if 
he had seen it. Poor dear good old man, I 
must say he has a little dash of the hypocrite 
about him, and I never can resist laughing 
when I look into that smooth, sly, canting 
visage of his. What fun it would have been, 
if he had happened to have been in Paris then, 
to have inveigled him in there, and then 
quizzed him about it afterwards, wouldn't it 1 
I'll tell you who I did see there though, 
and it will astonish you to hear it as much 
as it did not me — no less than Deacon Close- 
fist. I did, upon my honour. The moment I 
saw him I cut and run, for I was dancing and 
he was not, and I didn't want him to see me, 
any more than he did that I should come 
across his hawser. I have had a very awk- 
ward affair in one of the gambling-houses of 
London, before I left town. I was at the Quad- 
rant with a young fellow of the Temple, and 



260 THE LETTER BAG 

I was under the disagreeable necessity of call- 
ing him out. We exchanged shots twice, and 
I was fortunate enough to pink him in the hand 
without endangering his life, and to escape 
being hit myself, which is very lucky, for he 
was a capital shot. I was in a dreadful funk 
for fear it would get wind, and find its way 
into the newspapers, when some damned good- 
natured friend would have been sure to have 
told father all about it, especially as the quarrel 
was about a fair friend of mine. It's of no 
use talking about it, Tom, but women are at the 
bottom of all the mischief in the world. I 
wish the devil had the whole of them, for they 
have led me into a pretty mess of expense 
and trouble since I have been abroad ; but if 
old men will send young men to London to 
see the world, why they must just make up 
their minds to pay the piper, and there is no 
help for it. I have sent the old boy a pair of 
spectacles to improve his vision— don't laugh at 
the joke when you see them, there is no fear of 
his being up to it, for he never was up to any- 
thing in his life, but saving money. I have 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 261 

some capital stories for you when we meet, 
about my adventures, but it's not altogether 
safe to commit them to paper for fear of acci- 
dents. Don't lisp a syllable of all this, and 
believe me, dear Tom, 

Yours always, 

Arthur Snob. 



262 THE LETTER BAG 



No. XXV. 

letter from a loco-foco of new york, 
to a sympatfiiser in vermont. 

My dear Johnston, 
So many persons have lately travelled through 
North America, all of whom have made most 
singular and valuable discoveries in the theory 
of government, that I have made it my business, 
duringmy recent visit to Great Britain, to inquire 
into the state of the nation, the condition of 
the people, and the causes of discontent; and 
have now the pleasure of sending you an ab- 
stract of my observations, which I shall shortly 
publish more at large. I feel satisfied I shall 
astonish the natives with the magnitude of 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 263 

the disclosui-es, and the importance of the sub- 
jects contained in my work, and exhibit a state 
of misrule and misgovernment that is per- 
fectly appalling. One of the most startling 
discoveries I have made is, that the people of 
the Upper Island, or England, speak a different 
language, and hold a different religion from 
those in the Lower Island, or Ireland. Until 
my visit, this important truth was never 
known ; and it bears a strong resemblance to 
the fact recently ascertained by a great lin- 
guist, that the French of Canada are not Anglo- 
Saxons, and do not speak English : indeed, I 
may say, that nothing in my book is of more 
importance than this information, for the con- 
sequence is, the Irish members of parliament 
usually vote one way, and the English the 
other. England, as might be expected, from 
the indolence and ignorance of its rulers for 
centuries past, is filled with people dissatisfied 
with the government and the existing order of 
things. These people are termed Chartists, and 
contain among them a great body of respec- 
table, well-informed, and able men, and consti- 



264 THE LETTER BAG 

tute, it seems, the majority of the people : 
I have therefore felt it my duty to make their 
conciliation my chief study. They complain 
that the higher orders, persons of property and 
standing in the kingdom, are linked in a com- 
mon interest for the support of monarchical 
institutions ; and they therefore very properly 
style them " the family compact," or " official 
gang" — a very singular coincidence with what 
is now going on in a distant part of the em- 
pire. The bench, the magistracy, the high 
offices of the episcopal church, and a great 
part of the legal profession, as well as the 
army and navy, are filled by adherents of this 
party — and, until lately, shared among them, 
almost exclusively, all offices of trust and 
profit. 

They complain that this compact co-ope- 
rates for the purpose of oppressing the poor, 
of tyrannising over the weak, of suppressing 
instruction, or rather confining it to them- 
selves, and of ruining the nation. And from 
their wealth, station in life, and education, T 
conceive it to be true, more especially as so 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 



265 



many of them belong to the established 
churches of England and Scotland. They also 
allege that the upper branch of the legislature 
is composed altogether of people of this class, 
which, indeed, its very name, " House of 
Lords," seems to prove : and that such has 
been the favouritism of this " compact party," 
that no instance is known of a chartist being 
made a lord chancellor, an archbishop, a chief 
justice, or a peer of the realm, or filling any 
of the high offices about the palace or the 
person of the Queen — a case of partiality and 
misrule unparalleled in the history of any coun- 
try. The object of the Chartists is to render 
the House of Lords elective, and responsible 
to them, which universal suffrage will inevi- 
tably produce; and it is in vain to conceal 
the fact, that they never will be content with 
anything short of this reform^ nor do I think 
they ought. Despairing of constitutional re- 
dress for these accumulated evils, they most 
imprudently took up arms at Birmingham be- 
fore they were quite ready for the revolution, 
and destroyed much property, as well as many 



266 THE LETTER BAG 

lives. I think there should be a general 
pardon of the offenders, the jails opened, and 
the patriots set at large. Politics are sacred, 
and opinions are not fit subjects for legal 
inquiries. They were evidently entrapped into 
rebellion, as appeared by the circumstance of 
the dragoons being stationed at so great a dis- 
tance as London, an opinion which is 
strengthened by the fact, that the head of the 
county, though aware of the danger, relied 
upon the constabulary force for the pre- 
servation of the peace, instead of the military. 
A general pardon of these respectable persons, 
whose feelings I should be reluctant to see 
wounded by their being sent to a penal settle- 
ment, is the most expedient course that occurs 
to me ; for the scene being at a distance, neither 
the bloodshed nor the destruction of property 
(dreadful as it must be admitted to have been) 
can ever reach us ; and besides, many of the 
objects they demand I fully approve of. — 
Another subject of complaint is the large tracts 
of land held by the members of this family 
compact, who, by purchase or inheritance, own 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 267 

nearly the whole of the island, when so many 
thousand people are anxious to get possession 
of these estates, and are not permitted to do so. 
This is a serious evil, and it is my opinion, 
in all cases where the title is by grant, the 
crown should inquire into their origin and 
resume them. There are woods, and parks, 
and uncultivated lands in England, owned by a 
few landholders of the clique, sufficiently large 
to support all the poor and idle people of 
North America. In France, during its revolu- 
tion, which is ever exciting the envy and ad- 
miration of those respectable and intelligent 
people, the Chartists, confiscation of the over- 
grown property of their family compacts formed 
a valuable source of public revenue and private 
speculation ; and they naturally regard the 
example of their neighbours as one to be 
followed by them — an idea which T have 
done my best to encourage. With regard 
to the church question, it is necessary to 
speak out plainly. It has been endowed from 
time to time with grants of real estate, and 
the discontented party very properly claim to 



200 THE LETTER BAG 

have an equal division of this property among 
all those sects who have none, and I am sa- 
tisfied it is the only rational way of appeas- 
ing their clamours. He that gives may take 
away — the law gave it — alter the law, and take 
it away. In either case, it is the operation 
of law. Whatever apparent right law and 
usage may give to the Established Church, to 
those lands, reason gives none ; and, in this 
enlightened age, reason must prevail in all 
matters of religion, and mysteries, the subject 
of faith, must be given up. A stated resident 
clergy are unsuited to a migratory people like 
the English, who live in rail cars and steam 
boats, and strolling preachers, like strolling 
players, are better adapted to their tastes, ha- 
bits, and amusements. 

On all those points I have recommended 
their leaders to cultivate a good understand- 
ing with, and to copy the excellent example 
of the French, who have destroyed all their 
family compacts, and, by assimilating their in- 
stitutions to those of their neighbours, to re- 
move all occasions of heart-burnings and envy. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 269 

Scotland I have not seen, but my clerk took 
a ride into it of twelve hours, and he informs 
me, that more than half the houses are un- 
inhabited, the natural consequence of misrule 
and misgovernment. It is easy to conceive 
how great must be the distress occasioned by 
the abandonment of their houses ; for as the 
population has more than doubled notwithstand- 
ing within the last twenty years, it is evident 
the people must live in the open air with the 
beasts of the field, and will soon become as 
ferocious and as savage as their companions, 
and, like Nebuchadnezzar, feed on the coarse 
herbage of the earth. This startling fact has, 
I know, been doubted, but I am convinced of 
its truth, because one of their most popular 
authors has endeavoured to stimulate his coun- 
trymen to exertion, to induce them to make 
rail-roads, and to prevail upon them to adopt 
the modern improvements in agriculture, which 
is to my mind a convincing proof that he dis- 
approves of the government, though delicacy pre- 
vents his saying so; or perhaps, being opposed 
to revolutionary doctrines, he has thought pro- 



270 THE LETTER BAG 

per to conceal what he thinks. Although he 
has not said so, therefore, I conclude he thinks 
so, and boldly appeal to his writings in support 
of my theory and facts, from the very circum- 
stance of his having wholly omitted any such 
expressions of discontent. One thing I cer- 
tainly was not prepared to find, notwithstand- 
ing the very low opinion T entertain of English 
institutions, namely, the debased and degraded 
state of the mercantile marine. The same ex- 
clusive and compact feeling exists here as else- 
where. It will hardly be believed that the 
entire command of the ship is entrusted to 
the captain, that the seamen have no voice 
in the choice of this officer, nor any control 
over him — that he has a council composed of 
his lieutenants and mates, neither of whom are 
elected by the men or amenable to them — and 
that the only responsibility that exists is to the 
directors, who do not live on board, seldom 
visit the ship, and actually reside in Bristol. 
If any seaman says he is dissatisfied with this 
treatment, the captain very coolly tells him he 
may leave the ship, and if he repeats his com- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 271 

plaints, he does actually discharge him. Seve- 
ral meetings of the sailors have taken place at 
the forecastle, amounting to a large majority 
on board, demanding an extension of suffrage, 
the election of their own officers, and respon- 
sible government. They say a knowledge of 
navigation is not necessary for command, and 
that a familiarity with the names of the ropes 
is quite sufficient. They also protest against 
the enormous salaries of the officers, and the 
immense disparity of the pay of the captain, 
which is fifty pounds a month, and theirs, 
which is the paltry sum of three pounds ; and 
although they have repeatedly offered to do 
the captain's work for ten pounds a month, 
whereby a saving of four hundred and eighty 
pounds a year would be effected, their offers 
have been met by indecent ridicule. Upon 
one occasion they refused to work, and actually 
armed and drilled, and the captain, who is a 
member of the Church of England, (and of 
course has every bishop to back him,) and a 
son of a member of the compact, (which gives 
him the support of the whole official gang,) a 



272 THE LETTER BAG 

nephew of another, and has a daughter mar- 
ried to a judge, (which precludes every one 
from any hope of justice in any case where 
he is concerned,) this man had the assurance 
to talk of mutiny, and in an official letter called 
them disaffected. To show the gross cor- 
ruption of this faction, it is only necessary to 
state, that instead of saying their. own prayers, 
which as Christians they are bound to do, the 
officers have a chaplain at an overgrown 
salary exceeding that of any three sailors, 
and the boatswain, who offered in the most 
disinterested manner to perform his duty 
for the nominal remuneration of a fig of to- 
bacco and a glass of grog, was reported in 
a private letter to the directors, as a trouble- 
some man ; and though the situation of 
first lieutenant has been twice vacant since 
this happened, he has been as often re- 
fused promotion. I have conversed with 
the leading minds among the sailors, many of 
whom are extremely well informed, and ex- 
hibit great talent. They repudiate in the 
most loyal manner the idea of mutineering or 



)1 THE GREAT WESTERN. '27 '3 

seizing the ship with great scorn — all they re- 
quire is to have the entire and sole command 
of her, and are quite willing to concede to the 
directors the privilege of protecting and de- 
fending her. They also disavow all idea of 
dissolving British connexion, and promise to 
purchase their cargoes in the United Kingdom, 
if a bankrupt law is adjusted on board to their 
satisfaction, so that they could continue to do 
business, and retain their property, if they 
should ever be so unfortunate as to become 
bankrupt. These are reasonable demands, and 
a most numerous, influential, and highly re- 
spectable body of our enlightened citizens at 
New York, called Sympathisers, (of which you 
are one,) are willing to assist them in every 
legitimate mode to obtain redress for these 
grievances. Responsibility is now the catch- 
word of the Chartist party, and they are al- 
ready reaping the fruit of the seed sown by me. 
A quicker germination, and a more premature 
harvest, have never been exhibited to the 
world. To make the upper branch of the 
legislature elective, will soon lead to making 
n 5 



274 THE LETTER BAG 

the throne elective, and universal suffrage, 
short parliaments, and vote by ballot, natu- 
rally conduce to this great end. The Chartists 
will then have the government in their own 
hands, and everybody will be responsible but 
themselves. In short, nothing will satisfy the 
able and intelligent reformers of this party but 
an equalisation of property. We are all born 
equally helpless, and we all repose at last in 
one common receptacle. Life is ushered in, 
and the last scene closes, without any distinc- 
tions, to all alike, and it is not fitting that 
during our transitory abode here these artifi- 
cial differences should exist. 

It is abundantly evident that everything 
which the compacts call respectable and esti- 
mable in England must be abolished, if they 
wish to procure tranquillity ; where there is 
nothing to respect, there will be nothing to 
envv, and where there are no fortunes, there 
can be no inequality of condition ; a man who 
is better off than his neighbour should be 
held responsible for it, and he who carries his 
head higher than his fellow-citizens should 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 275 

suffer decapitation for his presumption. In 
preparing my tour for publication, I have en- 
deavoured to avoid all partiality. During my 
residence in England, I had an ample oppor- 
tunity of seeing the state of the country, for I 
sailed once up the Thames in a steam-boat, 
with nobody on board but my clerks and part- 
ner, so that from the deck of the vessel I saw 
the condition of the people uninterrupted. I 
crossed the Channel in like manner, and spent 
twenty-four hours in Ireland, and from the 
window of the inn I observed what was going 
on among the Ribbon-men of that island, and 
other secret societies of patriots. Instead of 
conferring with the principal inhabitants, who 
all belong to the family compact party, and 
whose whole souls are absorbed in contriving 
how to enslave the nation, I consulted only 
my own clerks, so that no one can say I have 
had prejudices instilled into my mind, or that 
the important discoveries I have made are not 
wholly and exclusively my own. Of them I 
feel I have a right to be proud, as both original 
and unique. As an appendix I shall add 



276 THE LETTER BAG 

several valuable dissertations, among which will 
be found an interesting one on bowel com- 
plaints, illustrated by beautiful drawings of the 
modus operandi, and on hallucinations of the 
mind. I feel that it would be criminal in me 
to withhold such valuable information as I 
have collected, or to deprive the world of the 
use of my discoveries ; you must therefore not 
be surprised to see this first in print, before 
you receive the original, as it is important the 
whole should be made public as soon as pos- 
sible. 

I am, my dear Bill Johnston, 
Yours truly, 

Timothy Noddyn. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 277 



No. XXVI. 

LETTER FROM A COACHMAN ON THE RAILROAD 
LINE. 

Dear Friend, 
Old England and I has parted for ever ; I 
have thrown down the rains, and here I am on 
board the Great Western, old, thick in the 
wind, stiff in the joints, and tender in the feet — 
I am fairly done up — I couldn't stand it no 
longer. When you and me first know'd each 
other, the matter of twenty years agone, I 
druv the Red Rover on the Liverpool line — you 
recollects the Red Rover, and a pretty turn 
out it was, with light green body, and wheels 
picked out with white, four smart bays, and 



278 THE LETTER BAG 

did her ten miles an hour easy, without ever 
breaking into a gallop, and never turned a 
hair. Well I was druv off of that by the rails, 
and a sad blow that was, for I liked the road, 
and passengers liked me, and never a one that 
didn't tip his bob and a tizzy for the forty 
miles. Them was happy days for Old England, 
afore reforms and rails turned everything 
upside down, and men rode as natur intended 
they should on pikes with coaches, and smart 
active cattle, and not by machinery like bags 
of cotton and hardware. Then 1 takes the 
Highflyer on the Southampton road ; well, she 
warnt equal to the Red Rover, and it warnt 
likely she could, but still she did her best, 
and did her work well and comfortably eight 
miles to fifty-five minutes, as true as a trivet. 
People made no complaints as ever I heard of, 
when all of a sudden the rail fever broke out 
there too — up goes the cars and in course down 
goes the coaches, and me along with them. 
One satisfaction was, it warnt the Highflyer's 
fault, it warnt she broke down, it was the road ; 
and if people is so foolish as not to go by 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 279 

coaches, why coaches cant go of themselves, as 
stands to common sense and reason. I warnt 
out of employ long, and it warnt likely I should, 
I was too well known for that : few men in my 
line was so well known, and it arnt boasting, 
or nothing of the sort, but no more nor truth 
to say, few men was better liked on the road in 
all England nor T was, so I was engaged on the 
Bristol line, and druv the Markiss of Huntley. 
You knowd the Markiss, in course, everbody 
knowd her, she was better hossed nor any coach 
in England ; it was a pleasure to handle the 
ribbins in one's new toggery where the cattle 
was all blood, and the turn out all complete, in 
all parts, pointments and all. We had a fine 
run on that line, roads good, coaches full, lots 
of lush, and travelled quick. But the rails got 
up an opposition there too, and the pikes and 
coaches couldn't stand it, no more nor on the 
other lines. The coaches was took off, the 
hosses was sold off, and there I was the third 
time off myself on the stones agin. As long- 
as there was any chance, I stood up under it 
like a man, for it aint a trifle makes me give 



280 THE LETTER BAG 

in ; but there is no chance, coaches is done 
in England, and so is gentlemen. Sending to 
the station for parcels and paper is a different 
thing from having them dropt at the gate, and 
so they'll find when it's too late. Mind what I 
telly, Jeny, the rails will do for the gents, only 
give em time for it, as well as for the coaches. 
That thief's whistle of a car is no more to be 
compared to the music of a guard's horn, than 
chork is to cheese, it's very low that, it always 
sets my teeth an edge. They'll find some a 
those days what all this levelling will come to 
in England. I'm blest if they doesn't. Level- 
ling coachmen down to stokers is the first step; 
the next is, levelling the gents down to the 
Brummigim tradesman. They are booked for 
a fall where they'll find no return carriage, or 
I'm mistaken ; but it serves em right ; where 
people will be so obstinate as not to see how 
much better dust is than smoke ; and they 
needn't even have dust if they chooses to water 
the roads as they ort. There is no stopping 
now to take up or put down a passenger — that 
day is gone by, and returns by a different road. 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 281 

Accidents too is more common on the rails 
than on the pikes, and when the rails begins 
they always kills ; there is no hopes of having 
the good luck to lose a limb, as there is with 
coaches. You can't pull them up as you can 
hosses ; they harn't got no sense, and it don't 
stand to reason they can stop of themselves, or 
turn out. I never run over but one man all the 
time I was on the road, and that was his own 
fault, for he was deaf and didn't hear us in 
time ; and one woman, and she ran the wrong 
way, though the lamps was lit, and it served her 
right for being so stupid. I've always observed 
women and pigs run the wrong way, it's natural 
to them, and they hadn't ort to suffer them to 
run at large on the same roads with coaches ; 
for they cum to be run over of themselves, and 
is very dangerous, frightning hosses, and up- 
setting coaches, by getting under the wheels. 
But it's no use guarding now agin accidents, Joe, 
for coaches is clone in England, and done for 
ever, and a heavy blow it is. They was the 
pride of the country, there wasn't any thing like 
them, as I've heard gemmen say from forrin 



282 THE LETTER BAG 

parts, to be found no where, nor never will be 
again. Them as have seen coaches afore rails 
come in fashion, av seen something worth re- 
membering, and telling of agin ; and all they 
are fit for now is to stick up for watch-houses 
along the rails, for policemen to go to sleep in 
when they gets moppy. It's a sad thing to think 
of, and quite art breaking for them as know'd 
their valy and speed and safety by day or by 
night, and could drive em to the sixteenth part 
of an inch of one another and never touch. 
That was what I call seeing life was travelling 
in a coach ; but travelling by rails is like being- 
stowed away in a parcel in the boot, you can't 
see nothing nor hear nothing ; but coaches is 
done, Joe — yes, they are done ; and it's a pity 
too. I couldn't stand it no longer; first one line 
knocked up, and then another; and nothing 
seen but hosses going to the ammer, and coach- 
men thrown out of employ. I couldn't stand it 
no longer ; so I am off to Americka, to a place 
they calls Nova Scotia, where they have more 
sense and won't have a rail, though natur has 
done one half, and English money is ready to 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 283 

do the other. They perfers coaches, and they 
shows their sense, as time will prove. I am 
engaged on the line from Halifax to Windsor, 
that the new steamers will make a busy one, 
and where rails, as I hear, are never likely to be 
interduced, as they have seed the mischief they 
av done in England. I only wish I ad the Old 
Highflyer, or Red Rover, or Markiss of Hunt- 
ley, there with their cattle ; if I ad, I'de show 
the savages what a coach and hosses complete 
and fit for the Queen to travel in was ; but I 
haven't, nor can't, nor nobody can't, nor never 
will again, for coaches, such coaches as them I 
mean, which was coaches, and deserved the 
name of coaches, is done. Nobody won't see 
the like of them agin. Arter all, Joe, it is a 
arcl thing for the like of me, as I has drove the 
first coach and best team in all England, and 
the first gemmen of the land, to go out to that 
horrid savage t country Nova Scotia, to end my 
days among bad hosses, bad coaches, and bad 
arness, and among a people, too, whose noses is 
all blue, as I hear, with the cold there. I never 
expected to live to see this come to pass, or 



284 



THE LETTER BAG 



the day when coaches was done in England ; 
but coaches is done for all that ; and here I am 
broken down in helth and spirits, groggy in 
both feet, and obliged to be transported to 
America, all on account of the rails. But if I 
go on so fast, talking of travelling in old times, 
I shall be apt to be shying from the main object 
of my letter, so I must clap the skid on the off 
wheel of my heart and go gently. I shall have 
to shorten up my wheel reins preciously to 
come down to terms. My eyes, what would our 
old friend the Barynet say to my driving a 
team without saddles and without breeching, 
and take a steady drag of seventeen miles — 
with leather springs and linch pins instead of 
patent axles and liptics. No sign board, 
no mile stones — no Tom and Jerrys, no 
gin and bitters— coachman and no guards 
— hills and dales, and no levels — no bar- 
maids, post-boys, nor seven-mile stages ; and 
what is wus and wus, wages and no tip. Oh 
Joe ! my heart sinka to the axle when I thinks 
of the past ; but fate drives with a heavy hand 
and a desperate hard curb, and I shall wait 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 285 

with a sharp pull up on my patience, till I gets 
your next letter, and hereafter sets in my place 
with melancholy as a passenger on the box-seat 
forever. I don't much like sending this by the 
Great Western, for steam has ruined me, Joe ; 
but I've had a copy made to go by the old 
coach as I calls the Liner, and if she gets the 
start of leader's heads past Western's swingle 
trees, you'll get tother one first, never fear. I 
have no hart to write more at present, though 
the thorts of the ribbins do revive me a bit ; 
and when I mount the box once more I will 
write you agin. 

So no more at present from 

Your old friend, 

Jerry Drag. 

P.S — Send me a good upper Benjamin of the 
old cut, and a broad surcingle, for my lines is 
getting rumatiz in them, and it will draw me 
up a bit, for I was always a good feeder ; and 
stayin in the stall here, and no walking exer- 
cise, am getting clumsy : also a decent whip — 
I always likes to see a Jemmy whip, and so 



286 THE LETTER BAG 

does hosses, for they can tell by the sound of it 
whether a man knows his business or not, as 
well as a Christian could, and better than one- 
half of them can. I hear blue-nose whips is 
like school boys fishing-rods, all wood, and as 
stiff as the pole of a coach. I couldn't handle 
such a thing as that, and more nor that I wont, 
for I couldn't submit to the disgrace of it. Also 
a flask for the side pocket, for I'm informed 
them as keeps inns on that road are tea-totallers, 
and a drop of gin arnt to be had for love or 
money. Now that gammon wont do for me ; 
I'm not agoing for to freze to death on the box, 
to please any such Esquimo Indgian cangaroos 
as them, and they needn't expect no such a 
thing. A glass of gin I must have as a thing 
in course, so don't forget it. Direct " Royal 
Blue-nose mail coach office, Halifax, Nova 
Scotia— care of Mr. Craig — -Letter department." 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 287 



I 



No. XXVIT. 

letter from the wife of a settler who 
cannot settle. 

Dear Elizabeth, 

My clear Simson has concluded to settle in 
America, and we are now on our way thither, 
on board of the Great Western, and I must say 
nothing can exceed the delights of going to sea 
in a ship so splendidly fitted up, and filled with 
such agreeable company as this, the only draw- 
back being that of sea-sickness, having been 
more dead than alive ever since I came on 
board. Simson, dear fellow, is full of plans 
and rural felicity, and we clear a farm, erect 
our buildings, and grow rich every day, some- 



288 THE LETTER BAG 

times in one place and sometimes in another, 
but have not yet made up our minds where. 
Building castles in the air this way is de- 
lightful, if they would only stay there when 
you finish them. Among so many charming- 
countries as there are in America, the choice is 
rather difficult, as your life is hardly safe in 
any of them. 

The valley of the Mississippi is said to ex- 
ceed, in beauty and fertility, most parts of the 
world, and we had thoughts of purchasing a 
plantation there : but they say it is full of alli- 
gators and rattlesnakes, and the people every 
now and then burn down a town, as they re- 
cently did at Mobile, on speculation ; so we have 
given up that, although it is a great disappoint- 
ment. We then thought of Florida; but the 
Seminole Indians, it seems, scalp all the men, 
run off with the women, and murder the dear 
little children ; so I have succeeded in dissuad- 
ing him from going there. 

Texas, they say, is a perfect paradise, and 
land is so uncommonly cheap, that you can 
buy a farm for the price of a new bonnet ; but 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 289 

earthquakes are very common, and the people 
so very cruel, they kill each other with bowie 
knives in the streets in open day, and so reck- 
less, that they keep singing " Welcome to your 
gory bed," as if it was fine sport ; so we have 
had to abandon all idea of it, as it would be 
mere madness to go there. 

The Southern States we should like very 
much, for the society is very good, and very 
genteel, and the climate excellent, only a little 
too hot, which causes the yellow fever to rage 
so in summer to that degree, that the white peo- 
ple have to abandon it till winter, so that it can 
hardly be said to be a desirable residence ; 
added to which is the constant alarm of insur- 
rections of the negroes, and being hanged by 
mistake for an abolitionist. 

New England is a well-regulated country, 
and free from all these objections, having more 
educated men and accomplished women in it 
than any other place ; but they all talk gibber- 
ish, and I hardly feel equal to learning a foreign 
language, now that I have this little angel to 
watch over and take care of, and do not like to 



290 THE LETTER BAG 

live among a people whom I do not understand. 
Besides, I couldn't think of poor little Bob 
giving up his English altogether, and talking 
nothing but Yankee Doodle. 

Canada we have had a very favourable ac- 
count of, all people agreeing in saying it is a 
beautiful country, and very eligible to settle in ; 
but they are not only at war among themselves, 
and with their neighbours, but their practices 
are so barbarous, it does not deserve the name 
of " a civil war" at all. A poor unfortunate 
wretch, of the name of " Caroline," (I didn't 
hear her surname, but I am certain I am right 
in her christian one,) was lately seized on the 
American shore by a " compact band" from 
Canada, dragged out of her bed at night, un- 
rigged, as they called it, and just a bare pole, 
and carried into the middle of the river and set 
fire to, and then sent over the falls in a steam- 
boat, screeching and screaming in the most 
awful manner. To retaliate this, those who 
sympathized with her sufferings, her friends 
and relations, came over in their turn to Ca- 
nada, and seized the great Sir Robert Peel, and 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 291 

sei'ved him the same way, by making him take 
a flying jib over the rapids. His visit was cut 
so short, they call it a " Bob-stay" in derision ; 
and, to mock him, they said, as he was a 
" stern" man, they would treat him to a 
" spanker," and cut him with lashings dread- 
fully, and chasing him about, asked him how 
he liked running rigging. He couldn't have 
been many days in the country, poor man, for 
Simson says he is positive he saw him in the 
House of Commons not a month before we 
sailed. Then, dear Simson is a member of 
the Church of England, and he would have no 
chance there ; for it is considered a great crime 
in Canada to belong to that denomination, all 
of whom are called " family compacts," on ac- 
count of bringing up their children to the same 
religion as themselves, as nothing will go down 
there but every individual of a family going to a 
different place of worship from the other. They 
say it looks liberal. All those who take up 
arms against government are called patriots ; 
and all those who stand up for the Queen and 
Parliament, are called every bad name you can 



292 THE LETTER BAG 

think of. The loyal people frequently get their 
houses burnt in the night over their heads ; 
and when the patriots are caught doing it, the 
hypocrite villains say it is a christian duty 
to heap coals of fire on the heads of their 
enemies. 

Then we thought seriously of New Bruns- 
wick, but that is " too near the line," they say, 
to live in — though how a country that is so 
cold can be " on the line," I don't know. It 
borders on the states, the nearest one of which is 
Passa-my-quiddy — so named from the people 
passing to each other quids of tobacco, which 
nasty stuff they eat all day. One fellow points 
to another man's mouth, and says, " Quid est 
hoc ?" and the other replies in the same Yankee 
lingo, " Hoc est quid," and gives it to him. 
The New Brunswickers — who are a very loyal 
people, and very civil to strangers — have a great 
deal of trouble with their neighbours, who are 
all mad from living " on the line" always, and 
all the people of the state are called " Maine- 
iacs.," Last winter, five thousand of these un- 
fortunate wretches caught the " line-ophobia," 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 293 

as it is called, and armed themselves and ran 
away, howling and screaming, into the midst 
of the woods, in the month of March, though 
the snow was two feet deep ; and fancying 
themselves soldiers, made a target with the 
figure of our gracious sovereign on it, which 
they took for an English army, and fired 
at — and then they drew up a dispatch, and said 
they had conquered the country and gained a 
great battle — and Webster, who is supposed to 
have caught the infection, declared ancient and 
modern history had nothing to equal this short 
but brilliant campaign. The poor creatures 
staid out a month in the wilderness in this hor- 
rid manner, and were badly frost-bitten, most 
of them having lost a toe, or a nose, or some 
prominent part or another, with the intense cold. 
They could hear them yelling and blaspheming 
all the way to Fredericton, for they never slept 
in the night, but made great fires, and danced 
the war-dance round them like Indians, firing 
off every now and then a great wooden gun, 
hooped with iron, and making dreadful faces at 
the "Brunswickers, and calling them bad names. 



294 THE LETTER BAG 

One poor man took a horse with him into the 
forest, and put some yellow fringe on his coat, 
which was made of a red flannel shirt, and 
stuck a goose's feather in his hat, and took it 
into his head he was a general, and carried a 
naked sword in his hand, with which he cut 
and slashed away at the limbs of trees in a 
most furious manner, thinking they were British 
soldiers — and swore most awful oaths, that 
would make your hair stand on end, that he 
would give them no quarter. Then he led his 
men up against a sawmill, which he took for a 
fort, and stormed it ; and as there was no one 
living in it, he fancied the garrison had fought 
till they had died. Webster, in his great war 
speech, said it was stronger than Gibraltar, and 
compared this poor Maine-iac to Alexander, 
who, he said, had an unsoldier-like trick of 
carrying his head a one side — and to Julius 
Caesar, who got licked, and bowie-knifed at 
last like any other man — and to Napoleon, who 
lost in one day all he ever conquered — and to 
Wellington, who just left off fighting in time to 
save his character. People say they hardly 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 295 

know which was most to be pitied, Webster or 
General Conrad Corncob, both were so mad. 
The New Brunswickers were quite alarmed 
for fear some of these poor unfortunate creatures 
should escape from Passa-my-quiddy, and get 
into the province and bite some of the inha- 
bitants, and the " line-ophobia" should spread 
among them. So they had to send a regiment 
of soldiers out to look after them, but before 
the troops came to where they had encamped 
the paroxysm had passed off — they had eaten 
up all their pork and molasses, pumpkin pies 
and apple sauce, and got out of tobacco — and 
worn out with excitement, cold, hunger, and 
fatigue, had gone home. They say if all Bed- 
lam and the other insane institutions in England 
were opened, and the inmates let loose, they 
wouldn't number half as many as those poor 
maniacs — and that they were in such a dreadful 
rage, and so rabid, while the fit was on, the 
bushes were all covered with slaver and tobacco 
spittle for miles. I never heard anything half 
so horrid in all my life, and nothing would 
tempt me to live " on the line," if the climate 



296 THE LETTER BAG 

operates that way on trie brain, and makes 
people act as if they were possessed of a devil. 
The Lord preserve dear Simson and me from 
" line-ophobia" — it is worse than cholera 
morbus. 

We now think of Nova Scotia, which some 
people call the happy valley — the natives are 
such a primitive people, and blessed with every- 
thing that can render life agreeable, and have 
no taxes, and borrow English regiments and 
men-of-war to fight for nothing — but they are 
subject to that same disease the " line-ophobia" 
too. When they heard these poor wretches, 
the maniacs, howling in the wilderness last win- 
ter, for they could hear them quite plainly, 
they began to foam at the mouth, and to howl 
too, and voted an army and supplies of Blue- 
nose potatoes and Digby herrings for them, to 
go and fight these unfortunate people — and 
they talked so big, and looked so big, the go- 
vernor was quite alarmed about them ; for they 
talked of having no officers unless they were 
native heroes, to lead them on to death or 
victory. So he humoured them — he told them 






OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 297 

they were valiant men everybody knew, their 
zeal being only equalled by the chance there 
was of its being wanted, but that it was not 
generous for so strong and brave a people as 
the Blue-noses to roar so loud, as the Americans 
would either die of fright or never wait to be 
beaten, but fly their country ; for, like all other 
people of such huge stature and strength, the 
Nova Scotians were not aware of their own 
power, and that their voice was loud enough 
to be heard across the Alleghanies on one side, 
and the Atlantic on the other, and strike terror 
into all within its reach. This speech pacified 
them by tickling their vanity, and the disease 
was kept off for a time, though the very word 
Passa-my-quiddy sets their teeth on edge, and 
makes them gnash and grit most hideously. 
All this is very alarming — and I hear, too, the 
coal-mines every now and then get a fire, which 
is very dangerous, and has a tendency to make 
them warm tempered, and keep them in hot 
water all the time. 

Newfoundland has been named as a place of 
residence ; but that smells so strong of dried 
o 5 



298 



THE LETTER BAG 



codfish and seal oil, that I should die in a 
week ; and, besides, I hear it whispered, some 
of the people eat their eggs out of wine glasses, 
which I never could stand, I am sure ; the very 
sight of such a nasty trick would throw me into 
fits, as it did Captain Hamilton, who, I hear, 
never recovered the shock his nerves received 
in America Prince Edward's Island has also 
been suggested ; but there, they say, the more 
land you have, the poorer you are; and that 
though the rent is only two shillings a hundred 
acres, the tenants threaten to turn patriots and 
Durhamites if it is exacted. One proprietor, 
who came all the way from England to collect 
his rents, only got seven shillings and six- 
pence, and a sound thrashing, for his trouble. 
It seems to me all the world is hunting after 
reform, which clear Simson says is a locomo- 
tive government that will go of itself and cost 
nothing, and every body is their own master 
and can do as they please, and that majority 
law is the law of the strong over the weak ; but 
it is above my comprehension altogether ; all I 
know is, I will be mistress in my own house, 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 299 

and the dear fellow makes no objection. As- 
toria is a fine country, but it takes nine months' 
travel to get there, and that is a serious objec- 
tion, as there are but few things in life worth 
that ; and you can carry nothing so far, and get 
nothing when you arrive there, but the fever 
and ague, and that I would rather be excused 
from. Cape Breton is also well spoken of, 
only you are likely to be frozen up in your 
passage there, at a place called Gut of Ponso, 
and nothing goes up or down till spring- 
thaws it out. The whole country is covered 
with snow for several months up to your hips ; 
so that when the melancholy season comes, 
they say they are ' hipt ;' and the people are 
so savage, they make ' slaying' parties on the 
ice, and call this barbarous cruel work quite 
a diversion. They say the reason it is so 
cold is, that being so far east, it is a little beyond 
where the sun rises ; an American gentleman 
told me so, who went there to see it ; for my 
part, I am not so fond of ice-cream as to de- 
sire to live on an iceberg, like a seal, all winter, 
and should prefer a warmer country. 



300 THE LETTER BAG 

Bermuda seems, after all, a delightful place, 
where people have almost perpetual summer ; 
only the roofs blow off like straw-hats, and 
makes housekeeping very difficult, and trees fly 
about in hurricanes like leaves, which must 
scatter families dreadfully, and must make se- 
parations that are so sudden quite painful. 
The governor's name is Reid, and he has seen 
so many storms there, he has written a book 
about them. Dear Simson, who is very witty, 
says he is " the Reid shaken with the wind." 
I wish you knew dear Simson — he is full of 
fun. He says the new theory of stonns is, that 
instead of " avaner," it takes a " pirouette," 
and that the whole story of it is this : 

" Here we go up, up, up, 
And there we go down, down, downy ; 

Here we go backward and forward, 
And there we go round, round, roundy." 

The West Indies is the same, only rather too 
hot for clothes, and as flatulent as Bermuda, be- 
sides which, white servants can't live there, and 
black ones won't work ; so that you must now 
be slaves to yourselves, for which being your 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 301 

own masters is no compensation. Dear Sim- 
son says, emancipation means making black 
white, and white black. Then they suffer from 
crawling things dreadfully, having to stop their 
ears at night with cotton wools to keep them 
out, as they are always on the look out for the 
best opening to hide in and breed. Isn't it 
shocking ? So that, at present, we haven't 
made up our minds where to settle, as every 
place has its objection to counterbalance its 
advantages. 

It's the same with this steamer ; nothing can 
exceed its splendour, its luxury, and its com- 
fort, but you are always in a fright about blow- 
ing up, and expect to be sent out of bed some 
time or another, without time to put your 
clothes on, into another world. The company, 
too, is very genteel, having some real nobility 
on board, and some imitation ones, called ho- 
nourables, from the colonies, though the great 
lords are not tall men at all, and the little ones 
from the provinces look and talk the biggest of 
the two. All this is very pleasant, and there 
are so many foreigners on board, it is as amus- 



302 THE LETTER BAG 

ing and instructive as travelling into strange 
countries, only you can't understand a word they 
say, for they speak as many different languages 
as they did in the Tower of Babel. 

Dear Simson is very kind and attentive to 
me, especially before company, which is very 
agreeable, and looks well, only I wish he could 
bear the crying of children a little, very little 
better ; but at night he sometimes gets out of 
patience, and swears he don't know what they 
were made for, but to break one's sleep, and 
destroy one's comfort. Take it altogether, it 
is certainly very agreeable here, and a sort of 
I-pity-me of the world, and amusing and in- 
structive, and I must say I enjoy myself very 
much, and would be quite, happy, if it wasn't 
for fear dear Bob would tumble into those 
horrid boilers, which would make soup and 
bouillie of him, as dear Simson says, before 
you could count ten. The very idea is so 
shocking, I never could taste soup since. 
So are our plans for emigrating very tempting, 
and the idea of being extensive land owners, 
and having an estate as large as the Duke of 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 303 

Sutherland's all your own, with herds of cattle 
and sheep, and horses and buffaloes, and all 
sorts of things ; and vineyards, and wine of 
your own making, and wild deer that cost no- 
thing to keep, and only the trouble of catch- 
ing, and beautiful prairies (that's the name they 
give to meadows) so large that it takes you a 
week to ride across them, — all this is delight- 
ful, and makes me think myself a most fortu- 
nate woman indeed, if I only knew when it 
was to come true, or in what part of the globe, 
for in none of those places I have mentioned 
would I settle upon any consideration in the 
world. Dear Simson may if he pleases ; but 
I won't go ballooning in a hurricane, or be 
scalped by Indians, or be bowie-knifed by 
Lynchers, or frightened out of my wits by ma- 
niacs, or frozen into a pillar of ice like Lot's 
wife was into salt, or be stifled with codfish 
smells, for all the estates that ever were, or ever 
will be. 

Simson is a dear good fellow, and I am the 
most fortunate of my sex, and as happy as the 
day is long, and will follow him with pleasure 



304 THE LETTER BAG 

all the world over, only I wish he thought as 
I did, that England, after all, is preferable to 
any of those outlandish places, if people would 
only think so ; and they that are discontented 
had better leave it, if they don't like it, and not 
try to make it anything else ; for the reason I 
prefer and love dear old England is, because 
there is no such place in the world, for if there 
were many such places, then it wouldn't be 
England any longer. One thing, however, I 
wish to assure you, and that is, I am quite 
happy in the possession of dear Simson, who 
is an angel of a man, only a little home-sick 
and heart-sick when I think of those I left be- 
hind, never, perhaps, to see again in this world. 
Ever yours faithfully, 

And tenderly attached, 

Emma Simson. 

P. S. If my next child should be born in 
the States, will it be a Yankee, and speak that 
foreign language, or will it be English? I 
don't like to ask dear Simson, for he is the 
most feeling man in the world, and would go 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 305 

crazy at the very mention of another child. 
Poor dear fellow ! I love him so, and wouldn't 
do anything to worry him for the universe ; 
but some things you can't help, and this, in 
the midst of all my happiness, makes me mise- 
rable. 



306 THE LETTER BAG 



No. XXVIII. 



letter from the author. 

Gentle Reader, 
I cannot bring myself to pay so poor a com- 
pliment to your taste, or my own performance, 
as to entertain a doubt that you had no sooner 
taken up this book, than you became so in- 
terested in it as not to lay it down until you 
had read it through ; nor am I less assured that 
you felt great regret that there was not more 
of it. Understanding tolerably well the work- 
ing of your mind from a long study of the ope- 
ration of my own, I venture to anticipate a 
very natural question you will ask as soon as 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 307 

you have perused it, namely, " Whether the 
author had any other object in view in writing 
it than merely the amusement of a leisure 
hour ?" and hasten to gratify your curiosity by 
assuring you that I was most undoubtedly ac- 
tuated by another, and, as you will presently 
see, a better motive. Had you had an oppor- 
tunity of lifting the anonymous veil under 
which my diffidence finds a shelter, and cir- 
cumstances had permitted me to have had the 
honour and pleasure of your acquaintance dur- 
ing my recent visit to Europe, you would have 
found that, although I am one of the merriest 
fellows of my age to be found in any country, 
yet I am a great approver of the old maxim of 
"being merry and wise," being, after my own 
fashion, a sort of laughing philosopher, and that 
I most indulge in that species of humour that 
has a moral in it. " Life in a steamer" is 
fraught with it, as I shall proceed to show 
you ; but before I point it out, I must tell you 
a story, (more meo,) for I find I grow some- 
what rigmarolly as I advance in years, and am 
more and more addicted to the narrative. 



308 THE LETTER BAG 

While making the tour of Scotland, I spent 
a few days at Kelso for the purpose of ex- 
ploring the ruins of an ancient abbey, wherein 
are deposited the remains of the old chieftains, 
the Slicks of Slickvillehaugh, whose name I 
have the honour to bear. I do not mention 
this little circumstance out of personal vanity, 
for I am too old for that ; and besides, between 
you and me, I see nothing in an ancient Scot- 
tish descent for any rational man to be proud 
of. I never read of a Scot of the olden time, 
(notwithstanding all that Sir Walter has col- 
lected on the subject,) without the idea sug- 
gesting itself to my mind of a huge, raw-boned, 
hard-featured, unbreeched savage, very poor, 
very proud, and very hairy. Indeed, there are 
good authorities at variance with him on this 
subject: — 

" A vest Prince Vortiger had on 
Which from a naked Scot his grandsire won." 

Now the obvious meaning of this passage 
is, that one of the Prince's predecessors ran 
down one of these boors in the chase, skinned 
him, and made a garment of his hide, which 



OF THE GREAT WESTERX. 309 

he wore as a trophy of his skill and va- 
lour, in the same manner as a North American 
Indian decorates his person with the skin of 
the bear. This, however, is merely matter 
of opinion, as well as a digression, and I only 
mention the circumstance at all, to gratify 
my American readers, who, though stanch 
Republicans, are great admirers of old names, 
and are in a nearer or more remote degree 
allied to the first families in the peerage of 
Great Britain. While thus employed in enact- 
ing the part of Old Mortality on the banks 
of the Tweed, I observed, one morning, a more 
than usually large assemblage of the yeomanry 
of the country, and upon inquiry found that 
it was the day of the great corn market. 

Ah ! said I to myself, now I shall have an 
opportunity of judging of the fertility of this 
beautiful agricultural district, by seeing its ac- 
cumulated products ; but you may easily 
imagine my surprise, when, after having several 
times perambulated the market, I could not 
find a single solitary sack of grain. I speered 
at the first good-natured, idle-looking fellow 



310 THE LETTER BAG 

I saw, (I like that local word speared, it is so 
appropriate an expression among the cattle- 
stealers of a border country, where a stranger 
was always saluted with a spear, and relieved 
of the care of his goods and chattels;) I speered 
at him the question, Where have the farmers 
put their corn ? After a long pause, and a 
broad stare of astonishment at the gross igno- 
rance implied in the query, the fellow re- 
plied, " Where ? why, in their pouch, sure." 
Pouch ! the word was new to my American 
ear, as new^as an " almighty everlastin' frizzle 
of a fiz " would have been to his. " Pouch 1" said 
I, " what the devil is that ?" " Here," said 
he, and putting his hand into his pocket, he 
produced a very small parcel of beautiful 
wheat, and added, " We sell by samples, sir. 
The grower goes to his granary, and thrust- 
ing his hand promiscuously into the heap of 
corn, takes up as much as it can contain, 
which is called a ' sample,' and this is sup- 
posed so well to represent the average quality 
of the entire mass, that the sale of the whole 
lot is effected upon the inspection of this 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 311 

.sample." "Ah," said I, "my friend," and 
stretching out the fingers of my right hand, un- 
til they represented the radii of a circle, I 
applied the thumb to the extremity of my nose, 
in a horizontal position, (an odd old-fashioned 
custom I acquired when a boy at Slickville, 
whenever I had caught a valuable hint,) " ah," 
said I, " my friend notch ! " 

" Did you ever see the like o' that," said the 
puzzled Scot to himself, " and wha is he ?" 
" A wrinkle on the horn," said I, again ap- 
plying the thumb to its old signal-staff, the 
nose, " and I thank you for the hint." 

" A wrinkle on the horn ?" slowly repeated 
my astonished companion, " puir body, he is 
daft, as sure as the world." 

" No, my man," said I, " not daft, but 
wiser. In America, for you must know I come 
from that far-off country, we tell the ages of 
our cattle by examining their horns, at the root 
of which, at the end of three years, there ap- 
pears a small ring or wrinkle, and each suc- 
ceeding year is marked by another. This has 



312 THE LETTER BAG 

given rise to a saying, when a man acquires a 
new idea, that he has got ' another wrinkle on 
his horn,' — do you take ?" 

" Puir thing," said he, with a look of great 
pity, " he has gone clean daft, and he so far 
from home too, has he nae friends to see till 
him?" and he turned away and left me. 

But, gentle reader, it was he, and not I, that 
was daft. He was a clown, and even a Scottish 
clown, as far as I could observe, is no way 
superior to a clown of any other country, and 
he did not understand me. It was a wrin- 
kle in my horn, and I have since availed my- 
self of it. I judge of mankind by sample. 
One hundred and ten passengers, taken indis- 
criminately from the mass of their fellow 
beings, are a fair " average sample " of their 
species, the vessel that carries them is a little 
world, and " life in a steamer" is a good sample 
of life " in the great world." This little com- 
munity is agitated by the same passions, im- 
pelled by the same feelings, and actuated by 
the same prejudices, as a larger one. Poor 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 313 

human nature is the same everywhere. Here 
are the same complaints, the same restlessness, 
and the same air of perverse dissatisfaction in 
their letters, as we meet with on land. The 
analogy that these Atlantic trips display to the 
great voyage of life is very striking. We are no 
sooner embarked, such is the speed with which 
we advance, than we arrive at our point of des- 
tination. Our course is soon run. It is the 
power of steam in both, and although the scene 
is varied by calms, fair breezes, and storms, 
still the great machine is in continual progress. 
Of those with whom we set out in the voyage 
of life, how few do we encounter in our sub- 
sequent wanderings ! The intimacy that com- 
mon hopes and common dangers generate, gra- 
dually subsides, and if we meet, we meet, alas ! 
coldly, formally, and as strangers. Life in 
a steamer is actually teeming with a moral. 

Are you a politician ? you may confirm or rec- 
tify your notions by observing how essential 
a good, effective, vigorous, business-like admi- 
nistration is to the safety of the ship and the 
comfort of the passengers. Are you a Chris- 



314 THE LETTER BAG 

tian ? you will not fail to observe, that in 
consequence of its being requested by the 
directors that every passenger should attend 
public worship, every one does so ; from which 
you may perceive the advantages resulting from 
a union of Church and State ; and when the 
whole community thus meets together to 
unite in their supplications, you cannot but 
see what a blessed thing it is for brethren 
to dwell together in unity, how immeasurably 
superior this union is to dissent, and must 
admit that they who laid the foundations of your 
established national church, were both wise 
and good men. Are you a moralist ? then — 
but I will not pursue it. The analogies and 
inferences are too obvious to render it necessary 
for me to trace them, but nevertheless it is a 
useful and edifying task, and I recommend you 
to reflect for yourself. From these remarks 
you will observe that " life in a steamer " is 
"a leaf" of the great "book" of the world, 
and may well be applied 

" To point a moral and adorn a tale." 

So much for the general reader, and now a 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 31 

few words at parting to my good friends the 
Nova Scotians. I am desirous of availing my- 
self of this opportnnity to call the attention of 
my countrymen, the "Blue Noses," to the 
importance of steam, of which they unfortu- 
nately know but little from their own experi 
ence ; of entreating them to direct their ener- 
gies rather to internal improvement than 
political change ; to the developement of the 
resources of their beautiful, fertile, and happy 
colony, rather than to speculative theories of 
government ; and also to urge upon them, that 
the " responsibility " we require is the respon- 
sibility of steam. 

Since the discovery of America by Colum- 
bus, nothing has occurred of so much importance 
to the New World as navigating the Atlantic 
by steamers, and no part of the continent is 
likely to be benefited by it in an equal 
degree with Nova Scotia, which is the nearest 
point of land to Europe, and must always 
possess the earliest intelligence from the Old 
World. Whichever party is in power in Eng- 
land, Tories or Whigs, the ' government is al- 



316 THE LETTER BAG 

ways distinguished by the same earnest desire 
to patronize as it is to protect the colonies, 
who have experienced nothing at the hands of 
the English but unexampled kindness, untir- 
ing forbearance, and unbounded liberality. 
The recent grant of fifty-five thousand pounds 
a year for the purpose of affording us the 
advantage of a communication by steam with 
the mother country, which was not made 
grudgingly or boastingly, or as an experiment, 
but as early as it was proper or safe for 
it to be done, and as freely as it was kindly 
bestowed, leaves us in doubt whether most 
to admire the munificence of the gift, or the 
power and wealth of the donors. No 
country that is kept in a continual state of 
agitation, can either be a happy or a flourishing 
one, and it is our peculiar good fortune that 
with us agitation is unnecessary. If there should 
be any little changes required from time to time 
in our limited political sphere, and such occa- 
sions sometimes do, and always will, occur in 
the progress of our growth, a temperate and 
proper representation will always produce them 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 317 

from the predominant party of the day, what- 
ever it may be, if it can only be demonstrated 
that they are wise or necessary changes. It is 
the inclination as well as the interest of Great 
Britain so to treat us ; and whoever holds out 
any doubts on this subject, or proclaims the mild' 
conciliatory, and parental sway of the imperial 
government " a baneful domination," is no 
friend to Nova Scotia or British connexion, 
and should be considered as either an ignorant 
or a designing man. Canada has become so 
burthensome an appendage of the British em- 
pire, from the intrigues of discontented men, 
that many of our friends on the other side of 
the water doubt whether it is worth holding 
at such an enormous expense. Oppressed we 
never have been ; coerced we never will be. 
Everything has been done that is either just or 
reasonable or liberal for us. We always have 
been, and still continue to be, the most favoured 
people in the British empire. Let us show 
ourselves worthy of such treatment, by exhibit- 
ing our gratitude, and sustain the reputation 
we have hitherto borne, of being the most tran- 
p 3 



318 THE LETTER BAG 

quil and loyal colonyin North America. Letusnot 
be too importunate for change, or we may receive 
the very proper, but to many the very unex- 
pected, answer, " Govern yourselves ; you ap- 
pear to be so difficult to please, so determined 
not to be satisfied, that we give up the attempt 
in despair — you are independent.' 1 '' This is no 
improbable event, no ideal danger, no idle fear. 
I regret to say, that such a course has already 
numerous and powerful advocates in England, 
and is daily gaining ground, even among our 
best friends and stanchest supporters. They 
are wearied out with unfounded complaints, 
with restless, unceasing cravings for change, 
and their own repeated, but ineffectual, at- 
tempts to give satisfaction. They say they see 
no alternative left but coercion, which they will 
not resort to, or " cutting the tow-rope," and 
casting us adrift. No tjue friend to his coun- 
try can contemplate such an event as a dissolu- 
tion of British connexion without the sincerest 
regret, the deepest remorse, the most painful 
apprehensions. The withdrawal of the army 
and navy from Halifax, the striking of the 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 319 

flag of Old England on the Citadel Hill, and 
the last parting salute of our old friends, as they 
left our shores for ever, would be the most 
mournful spectacle, and the severest infliction, 
that an avenging Providence has in store for 
us. It would be a day of general gloom and 
universal lamentation. All men of property 
and reputation — all persons of true British feel- 
ing — every man in a situation to do so, would 
leave us ; and capital, credit, and character, 
would follow in the train. We should be in- 
undated with needy outlaws, unprincipled spe- 
culators, loafers, sympathisers, and Lynchers, 
the refuse of America and Europe, and this once 
happy, too happy country would become an 
easy prey to civil dissensions, like the petty 
states of South America, or to the rapacity of 
foreign adventurers, like the Texas. That such 
a measure of retributive justice is in store for 
us, should the infectious agitation of Canada 
unhappily reach us, no man, who has visited 
Great Britain, and mingled freely and exten- 
sively with its people as I have done, can en- 
tertain a doubt. Wherever I went, and with 



320 THE LETTER BAG 

whomsoever I conversed, the opinions con- 
stantly met me, " It would be better for us 
if we were separated. You never will be con- 
tent to remain as colonists, you are causing 
us a greater expenditure than we can af- 
ford. We cannot support two Irelands. It 
is time to give you your independence. 1 '' This 
book, whatever its reception may be, will at 
least circulate among all my personal friends 
in England, which is the best evidence I can 
give of my conviction of the existence of this 
feeling ; for by proclaiming it in the presence of 
those by whom I assert that it is entertained, 
I afford them an opportuuity of repudiating it, 
if unfounded. Let us not, therefore, be led 
astray by any of those theories, however plau- 
sible and captivating they may appear to be, 
that are now advocated with such intemperate 
heat in Canada. Nova Scotia never was in 
so flourishing a condition as it is at present ; 
its trade is enlarging, its agriculture improving, 
and its population increasing most rapidly; 
while the character of its merchants, for honour 
able and upright dealing, stands higher than that 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 321 

of any other community on the whole American 
continent. The topic of politics, unfortunately, 
engrosses too much attention everywhere, to 
the exclusion of many indispensable duties. 
Party men are apt to magnify its importance for 
their own purposes, and to extol it as a panacea 
for all the ills of life ; but experience teaches 
us that the happiness of every country depends 
upon the character of its people, rather than 
the form of its government. Why, asks the 
philosophical Goldsmith, after an attentive ex- 
amination of many of the European states, 

" Why have I strayed from pleasure and repose, 
To seek a good each government bestows ? 
How small, of all that human hearts endure, 
That part which laws or kings can cause or cure!" 

Let us keep out of the vortex of political excite- 
ment, learn how to value the blessings we en- 
joy, and study how we can best promote the 
internal communications, and develope the re- 
sources of our native land. 

The time has come, when the great Ameri- 
can and colonial route of travelling must com- 
mence or terminate at Halifax. On the import- 



322 THE LETTER BAG 

ance of this to Nova Scotia, it is unnecessary 
for me to expatiate, as it speaks for itself in a 
language too plain and intelligible to be mis- 
understood ; but these advantages we can 
neither fully enjoy, nor long retain, without a 
" Rail Road" from Halifax to Windsor. It is 
now no longer a matter of doubt or of choice ; 
circumstances have forced it upon us. We 
owe it to the liberality of the British Govern- 
ment to make all those arrangements that shall 
give full effect to the noble scale upon which 
they have undertaken the Atlantic steam navi- 
gation; we owe it to New Brunswick and 
Canada to complete our portion of the great 
intercolonial line ; and above all, we owe it to 
ourselves not to be behind every other country 
in appreciating and adopting those great im- 
provements which distinguish the present age. 

And now,~gentle reader, it is time for me to 
make my bow, as well as my sea legs will allow 
me, and retire. Tn doing so, permit me to ex- 
press a wish that your voyage of life may be 
the very opposite of that of a steamer in point 
of duration, and resemble it, as nearly as pos- 



OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 



323 



sible, in the one grand essential, — namely, in 
making the best use of your time. 
I have the honour to be, 

Your most obedient servant, 

The Author. 



the END. 



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